Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I get a bit confused about the man who raped me in my teens

(92 Posts)
Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:18:27

He has gone on to live such a wonderful life.

consultant wife. fabulous job. lovely kids. mega money. tons of hobbies and friends. the whole package. in fact looks to have more than the full package.

no one would guess what he did to me - EVER. I just know it (he was also ridiculously handsome).

HOW can this happen? he obviously hasn't shown his true colours to anyone but me sad Did I imagine what he did to me? (No!)

I do get a bit confused about this. How he can do something so bad yet live such a charmed life.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 19:25:40

Sorry you had such a horrible experience. How come he has a nice life is because there's no such thing as Karma or natural justice. Why he's still nicely set up rather than in a prison cell is probably because no one has ever prosecuted him rather him being a reformed character. Did you report the crime to the police at the time?

areyoureallysure Fri 21-Nov-14 19:25:47

Oh love sad

I really don't think it will be a charmed life. Sexual predators rarely stop at one. They thrive on control so he may well be seeking more and more control over the people in his life. Money and career don't prevent domestic abuse. And as a huge believer in karma, he will get what's coming.

In the meantime, I know it hurts - I know this from personal experience. You could still report it to the police if you wish. What about counselling? That can be enormously beneficial.

I just want to hug you.

HandbagCrazy Fri 21-Nov-14 19:25:56

How it looks on the outside is not necessarily how it actually is. Having a lovely wife does not mean he treats her well. Same for his children. Very few men can hide who they are forever - it just may be very well hidden behind closed doors. Have sympathy for his family, he is not a nice an to be forever tied too.

And I'm very sorry for what he did to you flowers

NewEraNewMindset Fri 21-Nov-14 19:27:22

Loveneverfails have you ever talked to anyone professional about what happened to you? It sounds as though what happened is eating you up.

Unfortunately not every crime is punished and there are many people out there living charmed lives when morally they have no right to do so. Have you considered going to the police regarding what happened? I understand they are a lot more receptive to historical sex crimes since the Savill case.

NoArmaniNoPunani Fri 21-Nov-14 19:29:22

What a horrible man. It truly is shit that karma doesn't really exist. Bad things happen to good people all the time.

scurryfunge Fri 21-Nov-14 19:29:31

The Police take historical rape cases seriously. Do you feel able to report? Did you tell anyone at the time? flowers

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:29:32

no.

I was a virgin and 16.

I didnt tell the police.

Could it be that he changed? its just that his wife is SUCH a catch - I sometimes what are the chances that he lives SUCH an esteemed life (very very clever woman). He is not a low class man. He is successful in his own right too. Though I know what he was capable of.

I will always know.

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:31:30

its just a bit of a bummer that his true colours havent shone through.

anyway, I am alright. lovely life of my own now not money wise like him but THE BEST HUSBAND AND KIDS

I do wonder if he is still a danger to woman.

NoArmaniNoPunani Fri 21-Nov-14 19:31:43

The man who raped me is similar. Seemingly happily married and well off.

Selinasupreme Fri 21-Nov-14 19:31:56

I echo what everyone else has said, he may appear happy but he may even be making his wife feel how you feel, there could be other women out there wondering the exact same thing. I'm so sorry you were raped. flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 19:33:22

It's unlikely that he has changed that much. A rapist is someone who despises women - and that is not an attitude that goes away. As said up thread, just because someone has a nice lifestyle, it doesn't mean that all is well behind closed doors. Outwardly strong, successful, clever women can easily be in abusive relationships.

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:35:21

I cant remember every single detail as I was drugged.

I can remember enough though the horrible parts

I wouldnt want to report it.

I don't think I would win. and dont feel the need to report it.

hopefully he is not a predator to other women though THATs the only thing that would upset me sad

You never know maybe there was more than me.

Anyway, I have moved on pretty admirably if i say so myself

I just am amazed that men who can do such things can live normally as it were.

boggles my mind confused

CoolStoryBro Fri 21-Nov-14 19:35:54

Well, he might indeed have changed. He might have been horrified with himself and vowed never to be that person again. Or he might be exactly the same and just lucked out in life. I've met many successful douchebags.

Either way, it's how you feel about what happened that's important.

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:36:09

im sorry armani.

if we had nuts it would be a kick in them wouldnt it? Seems unfair which I guess it is!

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:37:42

i get confused about 'a rapist is someone who despises woman' (sorry) I never saw him like this.

He seemed more to think I was a commodity. to be used <shudders>

I also get confused. as he didnt appear evil to me, just entitled in a horrific way.

Joysmum Fri 21-Nov-14 19:39:38

Tbh I am troubled more from knowing mine might have gone on to do more, than I am about his seemingly nice life.

Knowing that if I'd reported I might have prevented is a hard cross to bare.

Whilst I don't know if the nam that taped me raped again, I do know he was at best 'sexually selfish and inconsiderate' with others sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 19:39:58

I don't know if you're following the Bill Cosby scandal that's in the papers at the moment but there's a successful, high profile man, presumably with a nice wife and family at home, who seems to have made a hobby of drugging and raping young women.

Understand why you don't want to report but, unfortunately, that's the only way you or anyone else stands a chance of changing anything. If the others (and they will exist) keep quiet, he'll get away with it. You may benefit from talking to Rape Crisis.

Joysmum Fri 21-Nov-14 19:40:13

Sorry about the typos sad

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:41:12

successful douchebag - thats about it!

Ok this is the thing that really confuses me, he seemed an ok person even normal apart from the sexual deviance. thats what chills me most.

is that normal for rapists?

Quitelikely Fri 21-Nov-14 19:42:45

Was there a big age gap OP? Did he have access to lots of young girls at that time?

If yes the chances are you aren't alone. And maybe he is actually crapping himself at all the media campaigns regarding sexual predators incase you or any others come forward

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Nov-14 19:43:36

A rapist despises women because he sees us as commodities, there for his benefit, to be used and disposed of, not human beings in our own right. Chances are he will despise his clever, successful wife as well, even if he doesn't physically assault her. She's useful to him in other ways.

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:43:56

dont worry about typos. im the same.

I have a bad memory at the best of times. i wouldnt stand a chance of nailing him.

Let alone, 18 years later with a half blocked out mind and knowing i was drugged.

I never realised it was rape until recently, as I called it everything but in order not to own it.

I can do that now at least.

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:45:26

unfortunately he was teenage like me.

but very perverted for his age.

I was like a lamb to the slaughter at the time.

Loveneverfails Fri 21-Nov-14 19:47:19

anyway thanks for chatting to me - im sorry for all of you who have been sexually assaulted.

it is a heavy cross to bear.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now