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Unsure whether to go NC with mother

(6 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Fri 21-Nov-14 14:10:53

Ok I'll try to make this Long story as short as possible. my mum is a toxic woman, I have had many different 'dad's' growing up and have 3 sisters all by different fathers.

All my life my mothers made me feel inadequate, I was the brains of the family and did well at school and work she never once said 'well done' instead she would always say 'do it better' or 'go show (enter her dps name at the time) I'm busy'

My mum has decided she is going to move to The USA with her new boyfriend in a few weeks time and is taking my younger sisters with her. She has also said she is going to pay for my other sisters deposit and mortgage so she can get a mortgage as this dsis is on benefits and doesn't want to work to get off them so won't get a mortgage.

I have a 12 week old DD, worked 2 jobs and on mat leave, dp also works but on low wage, we are not entitled to any benefits and are struggling to make ends meet. We rent, have never been offered a penny from DM even when we were in arrears and nearly got evicted at 39 weeks pregnant.

DM didn't even tell me she was moving just said 'Im getting yor sister a house as am moving to USA to live with bob and your 2 younger sisters'

It is clear DM does not care about leaving me or her granddaughter, and often I wonder why I'm fighting so hard for her approval when she is a nasty woman, she forced me into an abortion as a teenager which has haunted me ever since, I can't tell you when the last time - if ever - she said I love you, she burst into the labour room after we asked her not too and pushed dh out when I was giving birth and she bully's me into doing whatever she wants all the time.

Sorry for the rant I really needed to get that out. Maybe I'm being over sensitive but having my own dd I don't want my mother to ever make her feel te way she made me feel.. WIBU to just go no contact with her and shut her out of mine and DDs life to save the heartache

Flimflammer Fri 21-Nov-14 14:18:36

I don't think you would be losing much, but unfortunately no contact doesn't mean no pain. All the special occasions when you would normally talk will still hurt. I found it helpful to put my mother "in a box" which I controlled, so if I rang her and she was rude I would end the call and try again another time.(took 2 weeks and 3 phone calls to catch her in the right mood to announce pregnancy). Keep visits brief and in situations you can leave as soon as she's rude. See your other family outside her company. Also stop expecting kindness from someone who shows you the opposite. Tell yourself she isn't like other people and so I won't get normal behaviour from her.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Nov-14 14:21:40

No you are not being oversensitive in the least; that is also a charge levelled at such now adult children of such toxic people like your mother as well. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours seems to be one of scapegoat for all her inherent ills. Also such selfish women tend to favour one child over another one.

Your perhaps fight for her approval even now because you want her to somehow acknowledge you. It is more than ok not to seek the approval of such a person, not that she would ever give this to you anyway. It is NOT your fault your mother is the way she is, her own birth family did that lot of damage to her.

(I would also like to know how both your youngest sister and she is actually going to live in the US at all on such a basis).

It is not unreasonable in the least not to have any contact with your mother particularly as she has put herself first and only at the expense of her children her whole life. Your mother certainly seems to not bring anything at all positive into it. She was not a good parent to you and she will not be anything like a decent grandmother role model to your child either.

I would suggest you read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread if you have not already done so.

makeitabetterplace Fri 21-Nov-14 14:24:04

I completely love being nc with my mum. I decided and told her a few months ago. I'm expecting and I'm delighted that she won't have any influence or place in my child's life.

I too was the 'brainbox' of the family and she never expressed any pleasure in this. Once she complained I never told her about anything in my life, so I did and she cut me short and said 'I don't understand a word you're saying.'

Weirdly I expected her to put up some kind of fight when I said I didn't want to see her ever again. She just never replied. This confirms my decision. It's bliss. Go for it!

EllaJayne123 Fri 21-Nov-14 15:00:58

Thanks for your comments you've made me feel allot better flowers

clover83 Sat 22-Nov-14 11:47:21

If NC doesn't feel right, remember you can limit/control contact so it has less power.

Also, NC doesn't have to be forever initially. You could set a 1/2/3 month timescale to give yourself thinking and berthing space. If you want to get in touch after that, you can. If you realise actually it's been a relief to be NC then you have your answer.

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