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Slap her - your too soft

(106 Posts)
solitudehappiness Fri 21-Nov-14 13:54:56

Been in a new r/s for just over six months. My lo is 17 months old. R/s is going well, and lo likes him.
But, we went for lunch a few days ago, and lo was getting bored and wanted to draw. Whilst waiting for waiter to bring paper, bf ripped a bit of the disposable tablecloth for lo to draw on.
Lo was getting more bored, and was hungry too, so not a good combination. She pulled the tablecloth, almost knocking stuff onto the floor.
Bf said I'm too soft on her and that if I'd slapped her she wouldn't have done it again and would have learnt not to do it! Said he was beaten as a child and it didn't do him any harm. Yes, I was beaten as a child too, and swore I'd never beat my own children.
I totally and utterly disagreed, and told him so. Agreed that we'll never agree on the subject.
But, its left me feeling do I want to be in a r/s with someone who feels this way about raising children.

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 13:59:31

Giving a child a slap and being a "beaten child" seem like two different things to me. My parents gave me a slap on the bum and accross my legs, but I don't consider myself a beaten child. I'd say actually hitting, intending on doing some harm, or doing it for the sake of it is a beaten child?

I don't know... it's a shady subject!

Do you think he would punish her his own way if you weren't around, or respect your wishes? If you have a proper conversation about it, and it's your child to discipline how you like and he accepts that I wouldn't be breaking up a relationship over it, but if you feel he would take matters into is own hands (literally) that's a different story.

wheresthebeach Fri 21-Nov-14 13:59:37

'Beaten as a child and it didn't do him any harm?'. Really?
Deal breaker of mammoth proportions.
Wouldn't let him near a child of mine...

IrishBloodEnglishHeart Fri 21-Nov-14 14:01:34

Go with your gut. This would make me feel this guy was totally incompatible with me and I'd end it.

Rebecca2014 Fri 21-Nov-14 14:06:18

Did he mean a slap on the bum or a face smack?

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 14:07:56

I would be put off someone who said this as it's totally oppositional to my own views. They would not be someone I would trust around my child either.

ravenmum Fri 21-Nov-14 14:10:28

I don't believe in any kind of slapping myself, but I leave it up to other parents' judgement when they say they would do it, e.g. to show the child not to stick its fingers in a socket or something. In this case, though, I would be shocked to see anyone slap this child. This is a 17-month old who's been made to sit quietly in a restaurant whilst hungry and without entertainment - a baby pulling at a tablecloth. Sorry, I know that's not the question, just had to get that out of my system. Do ignore.

To answer the question, don't change your parenting because of the opinion of someone not even related to your child.

ouryve Fri 21-Nov-14 14:12:27

6 months is nothing. You've a lifetime ahead of you with your daughter.

Castlemilk Fri 21-Nov-14 14:12:46

Just over six months? I'd dump him.

I would be massively put off, not only someone who thinks smacking is ok - I don't - but by the casual way he, at only six months into knowing you, offered his opinion like that. That's pretty pushy. Six months in, he shouldn't be commenting on your discipline or anything else really. But he thinks he's beginning to be in a position to... And his idea of discipline is clearly different to yours.

I think you can be assured that if you move forward with this man, at some point you'll be listening to him tell you all the reasons why now he's also a parent to her he should be allowed to decide whether to 'give her a slap' himself... etc. And believing that you should be listening to him.

Six months is nothing - dump.

Meerka Fri 21-Nov-14 14:13:31

Bf said I'm too soft on her and that if I'd slapped her she wouldn't have done it again and would have learnt not to do it! Said he was beaten as a child and it didn't do him any harm.

this seems so wrong on so many levels.

anyone who says "i was beaten as a child and it never did me any harm" is someone to regard with a very skeptical eye. Ok, for me personally a small slap on the hand was better than hours of nagging for a misdemeanor, but beaten ?

Slapping? were we talking about a small tap on the hand here and a firm 'no' or were we talking open palmed slap? "beaten as a child" tends to indicate the latter. And open handed slaps - just No.

Also, slapping a 17 month old? sure, the naughty step if need be. But 17 months old? it really doesn't need anything more. Not slapping.

Just how often does he see your child? Has he got any sort of relationship at all with her? Or was this him just being annoyed and basically saying he disapproves of her?

Most of all, you deeply disagreed on it. That means you're going to really struggle in the future because she's not going to be a little angel the entire time.

I'd be giving very careful thought to how long this is going to last, this relationship. If he thinks that slapping or even beating a kid is ok, what are his views on hitting a woman who is (in his opinion) out of line?

Thumbwitch Fri 21-Nov-14 14:15:09

No, you don't. Not really. Because you're never going to know if he's going to slap your child when you're not there.

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 14:15:16

I imagine he will be wanting to hit his own children won't he? So that's something to think about in the long term if you were wanting more dc. dump him he sounds like the beginning of a nightmare for you and your dd

worldgonecrazy Fri 21-Nov-14 14:15:39

I'd be running a mile and taking my child with me.

Vivacia Fri 21-Nov-14 14:18:30

"i was beaten as a child and it never did me any harm"

"Really? How do imagine my 17 month old child should be beaten? Please tell me".

GelfBride Fri 21-Nov-14 14:21:27

Wow massive red flag the size of Muckle Flugga I would say. She is 17mo only. Blimey! I was slapped as a kid if I was being really naughty but not as young as that. Did he mean he would have just tapped her fingers or what? Trouble is if you ask him now, he will minimise it totally and you won't get a true picture. I didn't consider myself a beaten child. I would maybe re-consider this relationship OP as how can you trust him to be alone with her. He has let you know early on who and what he is. Please listen.

GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 14:21:49

its left me feeling do I want to be in a r/s with someone who feels this way about raising children.

It sounds like you are incompatible: you have opposing beliefs on something of fundamental importance to you.

MarshaBrady Fri 21-Nov-14 14:22:43

Walk away, you don't have to stay with him. Find someone else.

LoisPuddingLane Fri 21-Nov-14 14:24:02

I am constantly, and rather sadly, amazed that adults can think striking a small child is all right. If it's not all right to hit another adult, how can hitting a child be all right?

And yes, there are words you can use to make it sound sensible and harmless "a little tap on the leg" or whatever. It's still physical violence against someone much, much smaller, who cannot defend themself.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Nov-14 14:24:53

You have a choice re this man, your child does not.

Is this man really the sort of man that a) you want to be with at all now and b) this man as a stepfather type figure to your child?.

He perhaps is the sort of man too whom if he did have a child by you would completely favour his biological offspring over a child who is not his.

makeitabetterplace Fri 21-Nov-14 14:25:43

I dumped a bloke once who said rude stuff about my dog. If you feel there's a chance he could hit your child or is going to belittle your parenting I'd ditch him.

LemonBreeland Fri 21-Nov-14 14:25:48

I don't think it is possible to just agree to disagree with something like this. It is as others say, a complete deal breaker. How can it continue when you disagree on something so important. You certainly can't have more dc with this person. And can't really allow him to be a step parent to your child, since you can't trust him to parent in the same way as you.

Innocuoususername Fri 21-Nov-14 14:26:38

He wants to slap a 17 month old child? HUGE red flag.

Actually, red flags all over this:
He thinks it's ok to hit babies;
He thinks it's ok to offer unsolicited advice on your parenting;
He thinks it's ok to criticise you (you're too soft).

As other posters have said, I wouldn't trust him alone with my kids if he thinks he knows better and is willing to hit kids.

6 months is nothing, you can find someone better who's going to support you in parenting your child your way.

Vitalstatistix Fri 21-Nov-14 14:29:37

I would walk away now before he starts to think that he can do it himself. He has no right to try to tell you how to raise your child. And if this is the start of drip drip drip from him so that you get ground down, best to stop it before it starts. Your child likes him NOW - I'm betting not so much after the first time he hits her/him.

Clearly the beatings he had as a child did indeed do him damage. He thinks it's ok to hit a 17 month old child.

solitudehappiness Fri 21-Nov-14 14:31:50

Lo had books and toys to play with whilst at the table, but she's a baby and bound to get bored.
I discussed slapping children with bf and likened it to violence between adults. I said that if adults hit one another they'd be charged, and mentioned gbh and abh. He didn't agree with me. Said his mother severely beat him as a child and their close.
Still don't agree with him. And, as one post said, yes indeed, why should he feel he can address my parenting in such a negative way.
Oh goodness I know what I have to do. I'll always put my daughter first. Goes without saying. And he's given me a massive warning of what he feels about parenting. hmmhmm

Vitalstatistix Fri 21-Nov-14 14:34:11

not to mention the likely clashes with his mother.
Honestly, it's best to walk away from someone who has already told you perfectly clearly that they think it is ok to beat children, before you have ties to them and sure as shit before you have a child with them!

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