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How to deal with STBXH

(7 Posts)
Nirvisna Fri 21-Nov-14 11:45:24

I asked him to leave a month ago. It has all been fairly amicable, he just made me miserable for years and I don't love him any more. He has been less than helpful with regards to seeing the children. My 4yo doesn't even ask where he is, or seem to care that he doesn't live here any more.
He is being increasingly petty, and I think trying to 'punish' me by telling me he is busy instead of having the children for the day/night.
I have been on a few dates with someone I've been friends with for a long time, he obviously hasn't met the children other than seeing them in a friend situation before my marriage ended. I'm so worried about what my ex husband's reaction will be when he finds out. I know he will get nasty and accuse me of having an affair (I absolutely was not, not my style no matter how unhappy I was)

Any helpful advice? I'm finding it all very stressful.

Rumplestrumpet Fri 21-Nov-14 12:00:45

I've never been in this situation, so not much advice to offer, but wanted to offer some flowers. Sounds tough. From seeing friends going through similar situations I would only make two remarks.
Firstly, set clear boundaries with Ex re childcare/maintenance - and always make note of whether or not he turns up. This might be very important later.
Secondly, I'd be very cautious about jumping into another relationship so quickly. You know yourself best, but I've seen friends relish the attention and excitement, only to discover further down the line that it was really too soon. If this friend has been around a while and is keen, I'm sure he could wait another few months for you to get yourself together. This isn't about what your ex might say, but just to give you time to come to terms with the changes.
Best of luck Nirvisna

Nirvisna Fri 21-Nov-14 12:05:50

Thank you.

To be honest, I've felt ready to be with someone else for a long time, I just didn't have the courage to end my marriage so have been trapped in a sexless and loveless house, being utterly miserable. I know it probably sounds ridiculous that I'm dating so soon but I know myself and I absolutely know I'm ready for whatever happens with it. I do understand your point though and thanks again smile

PoppyField Fri 21-Nov-14 12:29:25


Easier said than done but you need to get a proper calendar in place which sets out how you split the childcare arrangements into the future. Then everyone will know what they are doing and when. I am trying to institute this post-divorce and my XH is being tricky as anything. In his case he is also trying to 'punish' me - by any means necessary.

A calendar would be good for everyone involved. That would outline weekends, holidays etc etc for the next six months/12 months. Any changes can be worked out several weeks in advance. And you can put a time-limit on changes e.g. say that any changes need to have four weeks' notice.

Separate that out from the nastinesss about new relationship or whatever. He will be nasty about that come what may. Get the calendar sorted out for the sake of your 4yo. Do it now, so that when it comes to him finding out about the bf, you have already got the dates settled and sorted.

Wish you luck. It is very hard setting out a reasonsable timetable/calendar/anything when the person you are dealing with is UN reasonable.

p.s. 'it has been fairly amicable'... it sounds to me that it has now got nasty. Expect 'nasty' don't plan around 'amicable' and expect things to fall into place. Unfortunately that is unlikely to happen. Best prepare yourself for that.

BeCool Fri 21-Nov-14 12:34:34

How would he find out though? Why does he need to know anything about your life post him?

Get arrangements for the DC to stay with him every other weekend in place ASAP.

Your DC may mention your new BF to their Dad, but it is fairly sensible advice to take some time establishing the new relationship before bring a new partner into your DC's life.

If you take that advice, then your DC won't know for a while, you will have every 2nd weekend to spend with new man, and don't tell your X a thing about it. None of his business.

Nirvisna Fri 21-Nov-14 12:46:56

Thank you so much!

GoatsDoRoam Fri 21-Nov-14 13:55:50

And even if he does accuse you of having an affair, does it matter? He is free to think what he wants. Unless of course this could have legal implications for your divorce - not sure what the divorce law is like where you are regarding fault/no fault divorces.

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