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WWYD? suck up the hurt or start ww3?

(32 Posts)
notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 09:30:26

Yesterday I saw a text DPs mum was sending, it said "....even xxx cant bring me down" xxx is my DD (not DPs)
I'm feeling very hurt and slightly stupid that she clearly thinks bad of my DD but has never shown it.
I want to tell DP but I know its going to cause arguments so part of me thinks its best keeping it to myself but I also feel like a boiling pot! I can hardly bring myself to talk to DP, although I know its not his fault. I'm just so hurt by his family.
We have regular days out with his mum and we help her a lot as she does us. I do feel like a fool

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 09:33:02

I could not let that go. I would confront her and him! That's your child, how dare they slag her off? How old is your dd? What issues might MIL be having with her. That must have been very hurtful for you to read sad.

Fudgalisious Fri 21-Nov-14 09:35:04

In what context was it said if you don't mind me asking?

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 21-Nov-14 09:35:48

Who was the text to?

Are their any issues between your MIL and your DD?

Is there a chance the text was about somebody else with the same name as your DD?

makeitabetterplace Fri 21-Nov-14 09:37:19

I'd speak to my husband and say that I saw the text and I'm feeling quite hurt by it and ask if there is an issue that I'm not aware of that needs resolving. Go calm as you don't really know what's behind what she's said.

NanooCov Fri 21-Nov-14 09:40:11

Are you sure of what you saw and what it meant? Seems random unless you have other issues with her but by the sound of your OP you both do a lot for each other?

notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 09:41:19

The text was to her DIL.
Couldn't of been about anyone else DD has an uncommon name. DD is 4!

I will talk to DP, I have too but it's just going to cause so many problems

strawberryshoes Fri 21-Nov-14 09:41:32

Might need context, and are you sure xxx was your DD and not another person of the same name? <clutches straws>

I would have to have it out, but not in a totally confrontational way, like saying to MIL "do you and DD get on OK?" or "Has DD upset you in some way recently?" and if you are fobbed off, you can say "oh, its just that I saw your message saying..." and see what she says.

Your DP should be supportive of you at least finding out more, if you approach it with him from a point of view that you want to find out whats up and help fix it, rather than go in with HOW DARE SHE! (even though you have every right to feel like that)

tigermoll Fri 21-Nov-14 09:44:02

It's one thing for your DP's mother not to like your DD. The mother sounds like a cantankerous old witch, but hey, some people are just Like That.

It's quite another for your DP not to stand up for his DSD. He ought to be making it clear to his mother that he will not tolerate her discussing his DSD like that in front of him.

You need to talk to your DP calmly and find out what is going on. Don't let the threat of 'causing an argument' stop you from pulling him up on HIS treatment of your DD.

notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 09:45:27

tiger DP hasn't said or done anything. He's currently completely in the dark about his mums message

tigermoll Fri 21-Nov-14 09:45:44

...sorry, misread - I thought that the MIL sent the text to your DP. Ignore me smile

CleanLinesSharpEdges Fri 21-Nov-14 09:46:46

In fairness to the MIL, the OP does say that she's never shown any bad feeling toward her DD.

I'd approach it exactly how strawberryshoes has suggested.

notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 09:49:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScooseIsLoose Fri 21-Nov-14 09:52:06

Why are you reading other people's texts ?

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 09:52:45

She's 4?!!! angry

You can't let this go, you really can't.

ScooseIsLoose Fri 21-Nov-14 09:53:28

Sorry posted too soon but in answer I would have to say something if it was about your dd I would want to know why they feel that way

notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 09:54:39

scoose she was sat next to me writing the msg, DD was sat the other side of her. I was talking to DD and could see it

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 09:56:10

I'd have confronted it there and then.

WannaBe Fri 21-Nov-14 10:06:27

Op is your dd a particularly difficult child? As a parent the instinct is of course to protect our own children, and in our eyes our own children do very little wrong compared to in the eyes of others, ;)

It's also very easy for the mn collective to come on to a thread like this and say "unacceptable for anyone to say anything like that about a four year old child, hang, draw and quarter the woman thrice over given she's the mil."

But the reality is that some children are difficult children, and some people can find a child exasperating without necessarily disliking them. Or might even dislike a child (just because it's a child doesn't mean it has to be likeable) but be able to not show those feelings in front of either the child or the parent. But they're not wrong for expressing feelings to someone else in a private text message.

Mn is full of posts from people who struggle with other people's children and their behaviour The advice is almost always to just smile and not let on, and even distance in some situations.

It doesn't sound as if your mil is treating your dd unfairly. She hasn't said anything to you or your dp. She isn't treating her differently. As hard as it is, she is entitled to her feelings, whatever the reason behind those feelings.

As an aside, why are you reading your mil's text messages?

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 10:11:31

She's already said. The MIL was texting say next to OP and her dd.

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 10:11:37

Sat

notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 10:12:00

wanna ive explained a few posts down how I saw the message and it was completely innocent. I wasn't looking through her phone or anything.

Maybe she doesnt like my DD, fine but dont talk about her to other family members, shes 4! I feel like im being laughed at, as though im they think im stupid enough not to of realised which in fairness I hadn't but now I'll have to sit through family gatherings with gritted teeth.

If she doesnt like her fine but what a position that puts DP now

Quitelikely Fri 21-Nov-14 10:13:02

'Even xxx can't bring me down'

What does that mean? I'm confused as to why it's offensive?

notamonkeysuncle Fri 21-Nov-14 10:15:49

quite I had posted the full msg but have had it removed

NickiFury Fri 21-Nov-14 10:16:08

Look, you don't have to confront this aggressively. I would say "I couldn't help but see a text that you sent the other day saying "I am so happy even xxxx can't being me down." What did you mean? Is there something about xxxx that bothers you? Obviously this is worrying to me as xxxx is my dd."

Have you seen any other indications that she doesn't like your dd?

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