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OH sleeping on the sofa and I'm miserable.

(26 Posts)
whozit Thu 20-Nov-14 23:41:51

All started two weeks ago when we were driving to town on both our days off with DS and there was a story about one of those teachers in the US who is being accused of raping her students. OH made a joke about how could it be rape or something and I told him it was ridiculous to say that and if it was a girl she would be believed and the teacher branded child molester before the trial even took place. Blah blah it went on for a while and I got really pissed that he seemed to think it was acceptable, didn't talk till we got to town but then we were fine.
Went round town, on our way back to car and I mentioned that I wanted to look at the mini real christmas trees in homebase, by the time we got to homebase talk had turned to OH getting a motor bike, he knows I wouldn't want him to and I think it's a stupid idea but always likes to bring it up to piss me off. So when we got to the outside of homebase I was looking at tree and OH was blabbing on about motorbikes, and to prevent me from blowing up I just blocked him out. But then looked up to see him disappearing round the corner of homebase back to the car. Caught up with him as he was folding the buggy and he was clearly angry and struggling to fold it, I told him to stop and let me do it, he got angrier and managed to snap part of the buggy off. I didn't say anything, just got in the car and tried not to explode.
On the way home he half apologised for walking away but said nothing about the buggy.
We got home and I dragged the buggy in and asked him to help me try and fix it, I sat down with duct tape and a butter knife to use as a splint and he just kept saying it wouldn't work. I got really upset as my mum bought me this buggy, it cost a bomb and she doesn't have a lot of money, he just kept saying I'll get my mum to buy a new one (she does have a lot of money) and that he never liked it anyway it's crap. I kept calmly asking him to help but he just kept going on and on and then I flipped and screamed at him and kept screaming and told him I hated him. He called me a psycho who need to get her head checked and we haven't spoke since and he's slept on the couch.
I had a really horrible day on Wednesday when I was out with my friends and DS, who is 1.5, had a tantrum and a lady told me if I can't control my child I shouldn't take him out in public, I cried my eyes out while my friends had a go at her. I sent him a message saying what had happened and that i was really struggling and when I came home was hoping maybe I could have a hug and some support. I got home and all he said was did she work there or was she a customer, she was a customer, 'oh, well why didn't you just tell her to fuck off.' And then he went to the gym. I spent the rest of the day feeling like a shit mum and feeling really awful, DS snuggled with me on the sofa, and I cried all evening. When OH got back he came in and said 'Are you still upset? Why? I think you need to go and see a doctor because there's obviously something not right.' And I cried some more.
Came home from work tonight and he's given no inclining that there would be a reconciliation so I got a microwave meal for myself and some chocolate. I got in about half ten pm, he was sat at the kitchen table and said 'Hi, how're you?' Smiling and everything I was nice back, happy he was finally talking to me, but still slightly wanting an apology, I wasn't gonna push it though. When I put my shopping bag down on the table he suddenly went grumpy and asked where his food was, I said I thought he'd have already eaten as it was half ten and he went mad again! Saying that I never thought about him and I was selfish.
So he's back on the sofa and I'm miserable.
The problem is that I'm not just upset anymore. I'm angry. I'm not sure what he expects to happen with him sleeping downstairs cause actually it just makes me think and at the moment I'm thinking I should just leave and that I don't really care anymore?
I would have gone to my mum's if she wasn't 2 hours away and I didn't have work. I have work everyday but Wednesday off So have already decided to go to my Brother's with DS and stay till Thursday evening when I have work again. If I can get my mum to look after DS I was think I would leave him there and go back there after work, mum always looks after him on Friday, I have Saturday off and then work Sunday but again mum can have him and then am off Monday, Tuesday and Wedensday. So really could stay till next Thrusday!
See... This isn't good that I'm planning how long I can leave for! I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him but not if he won't apologise to me!

Drumdrum60 Fri 21-Nov-14 00:14:19

Sounds to me like he doesn't know he's done anything wrong so thinks your feelings aren't his responsibility. Think he could be more kinder. You are punishing him for things when he hasn't a clue about how you feel. Tell him

Chocaholicmonster Fri 21-Nov-14 00:20:16

I think you both need to sit down & have a good heart to heart - when your son is not around. It sounds like there's underlining issues or something else causing all this built up anger & upset - & then ''small'' things such as a conversation about motorbikes or microwave meals are causing arguments so extreme you are sleeping in different parts of the house.

I hope you can both work through this x

Tinks42 Fri 21-Nov-14 00:27:53

Sounds like you have two kids there OP.

Id tell him to replace the pushchair not his mother.
Id tell him if he like the sofa so much he could stay there.
I wouldnt want to repeat what I'd say to him about the "dinner" at 10pm thing.

As for saying you need to go to the doctors, tell him unfortunately there isnt a prescription for treating women with mysogynistic partners.

bunchoffives Fri 21-Nov-14 01:17:50

Don't do any of what Tinks says grin

You need to talk OP. Neither of you can read each other's minds and without communicating there is no way of making progress.

I don't think you've got any particular moral high ground from what you have described, but then again nor has he by the same token.

So it's more a case a talking and listening on both sides, acknowledging each other's feelings and reassuring each other that you'll both try not to hurt each other in future.

Tinks42 Fri 21-Nov-14 01:37:56

Ok then bunch, lets just allow him to be the king of the castle then grin

tomanyanimals Fri 21-Nov-14 04:26:28

I would talk but if it didn't get anywhere I would state I'm going to my mums for a few days I hope u can make a decision in that time if you want to work on what's wrong or if we would be happier apart and I will do the same I'll see you on such a day I won't contact you so u can have the space and I can

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 21-Nov-14 06:15:17

He sulks for days then expects her to sort his dinner although she's been out all evening, despite the fact that he hasn't stopped sulking? Yeah, that's not unreasonable at all hmm

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 09:03:35

Completely disagree with Tinks42

Fight childishness and stubbornness with more childish, stubbornness and sarcasm? That isn't going to get him off the sofa or either of you feeling any better. What a daft suggestion.

Are you sure he regularly goes on about the bike to annoy you? Or because he actually wanted it? If a lady came on here and said "I really want to do something, but my OH thinks it's stupid and just knocks me back or ignores me" You would be told you were being belittled, or ignored or that you should do what the hell you want anyway.

I'm not defending him, just that seemed obvious why he was mad at you, he's obviously dead set on having a bike, and you either tell him it's stupid or ignore him. (Like I do when my OH bangs on about getting an Xbox One when I'm 8 months pregnant lol!)

But the bike thing isn't really the point. You both just need to talk... not trying to tell him something upset you and you want a hug to get him out of a "mood" but to talk so you are both happy.

I'm guessing prior to this you have both been ok. You both seem like you're stressed out xx

TheHermitCrab Fri 21-Nov-14 09:06:26

Clearly he thinks you don't appreciate how much things mean to him, and he doesn't appreciate how much things mean to you. You both seem to be ignoring eachothers needs, therefore don't think you should give a shit when either of you is upset from it.

Joysmum Fri 21-Nov-14 09:15:56

Totally agree with Hermit.

Totally disagree with Tinks.

Clearly your marriage has issues and the way to sort that out is to re-state your love for each other (if you do love each other) and then say that clearly neither of you are as happy as you want to be and come up with ways to fix it.

...Or you could just ignore or blame or play games and make things worse.

holeinmyheart Fri 21-Nov-14 11:31:00

Gosh where do I start ? All the screaming etc I hope that it didn't go on in front of your DS, even at his age witnessing the screaming and crying will upset him. It is also not a very good role model for him to see. When he gets a bit older he will be screaming at you and your OH. You will have shown him that it is OK to behave like this.
If you want your Relationship to succeed first of all you need to realise that YOU have rights. You have rights to free speech.
Then, if you think you have rights so does your OH. Unless you think he can only have free speech as long as he only says things you like and want to hear!
Do you think that you get angry and very worked up quickly? Because this can be helped with counselling and going on a mindfulness course.
Your relationship as expressed in your post seems very turbulent and you need to talk. More importantly you need to LISTEN to one another.
Sorry but unless you both calm down and stop behaving like you currently are then I don't think your relationship is going to last long.

whozit Fri 21-Nov-14 13:33:31

Thanks for the replies! We've been together 5 years band I would say since DS was born we have fought more than average couples. Usually we make up as soon as we've finished arguing and never ever go to sleep fighting. We don't fight in front of DS, but atm aren't talking to each other which isn't much better cause I'm sure DS will pick on the tension?
I think most of it is building up from the fact that he won't take responsibility for his actions. Like with the buggy. He left the dog in the kitchen the other day when I told him he can't be left alone and now we have no Lino as he tore it apart. But we needed new Lino anyway so no matter. He refused to pay a speeding fine evn though he was wrong and it ended up going to court and paying a £700 fine. But the system is shit and he hates the police so not his fault. And when I asked questions about his trial, I got shouted at for nagging him and not letting it go.
I'm getting really bored of it.
He does seem really set on the bike. But he knows I hate them and think they're dangerous? I would be worried sick every time he left the house.
Like I said the problem is that now he's given me too much time to think and I'm just thinking of leaving?
I'd like to talk to him about it but have no idea how to approach him without him getting angry again, me getting upset or me feeling like I'm giving in and just letting it go?

Quitelikely Fri 21-Nov-14 13:46:34

Wow. I think yous are both forgetting the bigger picture here! You are supposed to be a family and parents of a young boy. Instead yous are both so stubborn neither of yous will make the first move in apologising for your behaviour which caused offence to the other!

You can't just bow out because of a row over a snapped pram and a motorbike! Bloody hell! If your sin is a priority to you both then you will both reassess your behaviour instead of thinking about yourselves.

fairypond Fri 21-Nov-14 13:51:02

He sounds as though he resents authority figures and that is what you have become.

SandyJ2014 Fri 21-Nov-14 13:56:40

massiv lol at what Tinks said (the last comment on no prescription for a misogynistic partner!), but as other posters have said, I think it's best to steer away from any come-back which might exacerbate the problems.

OP, poor you. It's exhausting to argue - I've had my fair share of it in relationships.

My impression is that you are both going in different directions at the moment and ending up sniping at each other. Plan a lovely evening together, good food etc, and use it as an opportunity to sit down and have a really good, calm and open chat about everything. Listen to him and ask that he listen to you. Be very careful not to let the conversation get angry or petty or blaming. Just list your concerns about what he has been doing and how they make YOU feel. Ask him to do the same. Also, in terms of certain things, I don't think you should worry yourself about them - for example, the motorbike. I bet you that if you manage to remove your bad feelings about the motorbike and for example, don't react when he talks about it and maybe even try to see why he wants one from his point of view....he probably won't even end up getting one.

Good luck - it's all solveable. Some relationships are always good, placid no stress. Some relationships go up and down. Yours is a bit up and down at the moment but doesn't make it any less valuable flowers.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 21-Nov-14 14:42:22

All this is bothersome but needn't be deal breaking. What's behind all this?

Every relationship has good bad and dull patches. Try and make time to talk calmly.

Re: the motorbike. Machine, insurance, upkeep, proper jacket and boots... not cheap. Is this family money or his mum lending him a wodge of cash? If he's careless about speeding in a car he will be needing to watch how fast he goes on two wheels.

(He was stupid to try ignoring the speeding fine. Unnecessary extra expense. £700?)

Anyway in the interests of fairness, what equivalent treat will you have?

Eg he already gets a free pass to go to the gym. Keeping fit and a break from routine is healthy. But what 'me time' do you get, minus DS?

If both of you pull your weight and respect each other to listen not yell and are on the same page about finances and free time, the rest should fall into place.

Joysmum Fri 21-Nov-14 14:49:56

My DH worries dick about my hobby, but he also knows how much it means to me and therefore respects my wishes and loves how happy it makes me.

Joysmum Fri 21-Nov-14 14:50:26

* or 'sick' even. He doesn't know anyone called dick.

FelicityGubbins Fri 21-Nov-14 15:36:39

I don't think it does children any damage to see their parents argue, so long as they also get to see the apologies and resolution afterwards too!
All too often it causes more damage to hide what is actually a perfectly normal part of being in a relationship, and they grow up not knowing how to deal with issues.

JapaneseMargaret Fri 21-Nov-14 18:10:12

So do I have this right - you got in from work at 10:30pm and he was already there ... and he hadn't got off his arse to make you both something to eat by that late time, and you're the one that's selfish...? confused

I must have the wrong end of the stick on this, because the alternative is that he's being a complete arsehole over that.

He sounds deeply annoying and very Hard Work. I'm not surprised you're coming to the end of your tether. Sure, talk it out with him - you owe each other that at least.

But - contrary to what a lot of people seem to be saying on this thread, you're not obliged to make a relationship work, if it's making you both unhappy, and creating an unhappy living environment for your son.

SoleSource Fri 21-Nov-14 22:42:53

Crying all evening is a sign something else is going on.

Tinks42 Sat 22-Nov-14 22:16:27

Im completely wrong. Of course, yes, just talk to him and all will be ok grin don't stick up for yourself at all OP, reason with a person that clearly cannot.

Joysmum Sun 23-Nov-14 00:16:46

Talking is to ascertain whether things can be worked on. It not a sign of weakness or allowing ing yourself to be walked all over.

You've got some very strange ideas about communication Tinks hmm

InThisTogether Sun 23-Nov-14 09:09:23

is this worth ending the relationship over?
If yes, then leave.
If no, then don't.

My friend's mum told me that there is a problem when what you argue over becomes more important than the fact that you are arguing. It sounds trivial to me but I am not in your life, only you know how important this is?

Good luck x x

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