just feel so incredibly lonely and lost

[poisonintheblood]

I've never felt more alone. Nothing's happened. It's just slowly realising no one at all cares for me or wants me or will miss me (I have my children but I care for them rather than vice versa if you see what I mean)

I'm so sad

[elephantsears]

It might be that you're wrong about that.

Many hugs.

[poisonintheblood]

I wish I was. (Wrong that is!)

[beaglesaresweet]

are your parents around, OP? or do you mean no one cares who is not family, specifically that you can't meet the right man?

[poisonintheblood]

Both my parents are dead.

[FolkGirl]

I recognise that feeling.

But actually, the truth is you'd be surprised at what people really think of you and how you touch their lives in many ways.

Do you have friends? Can you reach out to people? What about hobbies?

Do you need more people in your life to have the chance to love you?

You are special and loveable just because you are you. You have the capacity to be cherished just by being the uniquely perfectly imperfect being that you are. After all, you're the only one of you in the whole wide world.

[poisonintheblood]

Thank you that is a nice message :)

I don't have many friends. It's so hard - I just feel like I've missed the boat a bit friendship wise. Can't really have any hobbies as my DCs are very small and no one to babysit.

I know I should be happy with just me but at times I feel so heart wrenchingly alone

[cherubimandseraphim]

You have my sympathy OP, and you're not alone - I feel like this too. It's grim, isn't it. I feel like I've really messed up my life, and I don't know how to repair it :( and the sad thing is nobody seems to care.

[onionlove]

Folkgirl is right
do you work or are you sahm? What area do you live in Hun?
i am a single parent, i am lucky to have some support though
how old are your DCs?
keep posting, this is a very supportive board x

[poisonintheblood]

Thank you both, selfishly I am pleased it's not just me.

I live in Shropshire. I sort of work - part time - but it just reinforces how inadequate I really am. Sometimes it's almost easier to be alone.

[fairylightsintheloft]

if your children are very small then there is absolutely no doubt that they love you - they might be even too small to say it or show it but they do and you are the centre of their world. Give them a little time and they will be able to show you /tell you too. sending unmumsnetty //hugs xx

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Hello lovely, I'm so sorry you are feeling so down right now and sorry your parents aren't around.

Sometimes, I want to shut myself off from everybody - sometimes, that's exactly what I do. It's not good though and it takes so much effort to lift that feeling.

Do you feel sad now and again or all the time? Do you have an understanding GP? I'm just thinking that if you can't find a specific reason for feeling this way then maybe you are lacking in something like vitamin D.

If you just feel like everything is too much for you and your head is a mess then it might help to write a list and unpick the little, manageable things first.

Do you know what would help you feel a little happier?

[poisonintheblood]

Oh they do love me I know. It just hurts that - I mean, not that they aren't my world but obviously I can't expect them to GIVE me anything. I just get tired with being the one to do, ask, be. There - you know? Sometimes I just need a hug and a cry.

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

poison and cherub I too feel that way..have done for years but my Mum always made me feel good. She died 2 years ago and those feelings are compounded by my loss..nobody to tell me that I'm 'ok' and really mean it. I do try and rationalise my thoughts..after all they are only thoughts..not fact..and like others have said..you would be surprised what others think of you..
It is hard though..do you go to church? Personally I don't but I think there is a wonderful sense of community..you may find the feeling of loneliness dissipate by belonging to something like that..would be good for your DC as well..I feel for you OP..I identify too well with how you feel

[AlllAlone]

Honestly. I wish I could have sympathy for you but really get a grip. You HAVE CHILDREN.

I'm single. I have no children. I really am utterly alone. The love of my life was already married when I met him so I have never had a marriage or a even a relationship with someone I truly loved. I've never had a partnership with a man who wanted children with me which was my life's dream.

I wish I had your problems. I could die in the night and no one would even notice I was gone.

Your children would notice.

No idea how old they are but (assuming young) the overwhelming probability is that for the rest of your life and your old age one or more of them will be interest in you and care for you. Think about how you feel about your mother. That's how they will feel about you.

I really have no one. My future old age is utter loneliness and isolation. Children care about their parents.

[cherubimandseraphim]

Pretty mean AllAlone. No need to play "life sadness top trumps" - should we tell you to man up because you live in the West and drink clean water and you could be all alone in a shack in West Africa with ebola so count your blessings? That wouldn't be very nice or very supportive. I'm sorry that you don't have children, but that doesn't mean the OP (or anyone else) somehow isn't allowed to feel their own sadnesses.

[alongcamespiders]

OP I totally get what you are saying. I cried tonight because of feeling so lonely. Not having a family is hugely hard, conversely it seems even more difficult when you do have children of your own. A few weeks ago I was saying the same things, apart from my beautiful children nobody's life would be affected if I wasn't here.
I know that is depression talking, I'm working hard to make new connections, it doent come naturally to me but I need to do it for many reasons, not least of all for my children I don't want them too scared to Les e me when they get older, I want to be a positive role model for them.
I am trying to learn how to think differently, about the law of attraction and other consciousness raising hippy shit.
There has to be another way, I don't want to get my validation from men and I want to make my life count.
Until I joined mumsnet I had no idea how many there are in our situation. Solidarity in numbers.

[beaglesaresweet]

sorry but I get what AllAlone is saying - how can a woman be 'incredibly lonely' if she has children, or has caring parents, in OP's case children.
Yes, you can be romantically lonely or with no friends which is very hard, and I agree it's tough to be the one to do everything (it's very draining, I'm in the same boat but having to look after a parent, not children), but you are hardly ALONE if you have kids. They give you the sense of being important and loved, even if not giving you anything practically yet.

I think it's about being overwhelmed by having to do everything, OP, absolutely valid and miserable, but it's not loneliness as such - emotionally you have someone to love and be loved by, so you are not empty.

[superstarheartbreaker]

I have a child and I'm lonely. She's totally wonderful and adorable and great company but I long for another adult to share her with.

[TaraKnowles]

I'm terribly sorry for them if they want children, but having children can make you feel isolated like nothing else. I can offer online sympathy, and I do.

[FolkGirl]

Some people are beong a little disengenuous, and rather unsupportive

There's a huge difference between being alone and feeling lonely. The loneliest I have ever felt was in a room full of people I knew very well.

And yes, children are fantastic, but they also mean that, however low you feel, you cannot 'run away' (even emotionally), or even get out of your house for 5 minutes to escape the loneliness. They also restrict your opportunities to go out and meet other people and do things that make you feel good about yourself.

It's hardly all good.

Childen also tend to take a lot more than they give and rarely, if ever, make an effort to meet your needs, which is how it should be, of course.

poison it won't always feel like this.

Do you want to talk about it a bit more?

[poisonintheblood]

AllAlone, how I feel about my mother? I don't feel anything about my mother as she's been dead years and years and years. I can barely remember her.

However, I don't go on threads about difficult mothers piously declaring that I wish I had their problems.

My father died three years ago. I hadn't even turned 30. Yet I don't do similar for threads about fathers. My grandparents are all dead too - before I turned 14. Yet if someone posts to say their granny died, I don't point out mine has been dead nearly two decades. See where I'm going with this? If you really wanted sympathy you'd have had buckets from me. If you posted to say you were sorry, and you felt really lonely too even though you didn't have children, I'd have understood and recognised where you were coming from.

I love my children dearly but they have in a sense trapped me in a loveless and at times downright terrifying marriage and I have no one to fight my corner for me. You think my 7 year old should confront his father, my eight month old should stand up for me? Obviously there's the LTB option and I am trying but it's going to be a long, difficult, lonely road, and there is always the gut-wrenching terror of him being alone with them, of him turning them against me - or worse - and I have no one on my side, to fight my corner, and usually I can manage but you know what sometimes I get exhausted and weary of it all being such an effort - everything feels like such an effort - and to be blunt you sound like my 'D' h. I should be grateful for what I have got.

Thanks.

[whatisforteamum]

poisonintheblood you are not alone in feeling lonely.I kind of missed the friendship boat too.I always had plenty of friends the over th years i put my job first.As iwork unsociable hrs i missed some of xmas,easter bank hols and weekends.Then i decided i was quite independant.now the teens dont need me so much and both parents have serious illness and dh isnt the man he was before a big old heart attack i cant help think why didnt i bothr to make good friends.i have been invited out through work alot but dashed home to my family to cook tea etc.This yr with them older i fully intend on making more effort..sod the ironing!!
I would get a part time job if you dont have on.I am a bit of a workaholic and the people i work with make me laugh out loud as they are younger and mostly dont have a care in the world.you are not alone..everyone gets "lonely times" :)

[poisonintheblood]

I've got a job thanks :) but it is very difficult to be in amongst 'normal' chatter of parents and friends and annoying but basically sane husbands and partners. It underlines how incredibly bizarre my life has become and I didn't even notice as it happened so very slowly.

I have always made friends relatively easily, I suppose. But school friends sort of got lost when my mum was ill (I was about 15.) Then I've had an unsettled adulthood in a lot of ways, and have lost a lot of friends due to DHs behaviour. He has been known to take a real dislike to some friends and just makes it completely intolerable for them to spend any time with me - obviously they get sick of this.

I still miss some of them.

[Tobewhatistobe]

poisonintheblood i dont get how you can say noone cares for you? or misses you? you tell us that you have lost many relatives over the years presumerably you miss them to some degree, if only because they are no longer around? by that conclusion doesnt it therefore make sense that your own children would undoubtedly miss you if you were not around.

i hope these feelings of lonliness you posted have subsided a bit. i always feel lonely. a partner can indeed make you feel lonely as you grasp onto what you expected him to be rather than what he actually and what he will never be. that indeed is a very lonely place, im accustomed to that.

but, i do spend a lot of energy and time on my kids because they are the best i have of everything. it helps me a lot. noone can really understand fully someone elses lonliness because their life is not yours and visa versa bt if i was to give you some advice it would be to focus on what is truly yours - your children - and in addition find some way to change your daily, weekly habits so that you can break out of this thought cycle. i get where you are coming from in the general sense because i have days like that too. life is not easy, especially as a mother and a woman. start doing small things for yourself even if its just to sit and read your favourite article, have that chocolate bar you want. may sound silly but i do something for myself many times each day. it lifts me.

go easy on yourself and come on here to share your feelings. people in RL may just call you a moaner - come on here and let it all out!

[saturnvista]

All alone I think you've (not very nicely) missed the OP's point. They are two different and excrutiating kinds of pain. You're clearly both in pain that is very similar despite having oh-so-different addition of children on one side, and instead of encouraging each other, one of you at least is denying that the OP's feelings having any viability. Not a great start.