I have been NC with my parents for just over a year. I feel it is the best thing I have ever done and wish I did it earlier. I feel like if I had seen the light in my teens or early twenties my life would have taken such a different direction but as it was it took me until the age of 32 to finally decide enough was enough and I was going to cut my losses and move on with my life without them.
Both parents deserve a thread on their own. My Dad was a cold angry man. Constantly screaming and shouting. Would totally ignore me if I tried talking to him, I can honestly say that he has never asked me a single question about my life ever. The only feedback I got from him was just criticism, put downs and nasty glares.
My mum never stuck up for me for any of the above. Would tell me off if I ever dared upset my Dad by sticking up for myself etc. But she also had her own shitty ways that she liked to treat me. She would always undermine me, never support me (told me when I was at school that people who get bullied deserve it after I told her I was having trouble with some peers and also told me it was my fault I had been raped by an ex). She was always very sarcastic and put me down. She was constantly gaslighting me and made me confused. She had no respect for my personal space, not letting me bathe/shower in private, would read my diaries/mail, tickled me even though I didn't like and would tell her so, would stand too close to me even though I didn't like it. Never ever listened to me or took on board my feelings. Would deny everything I said that may have been a bad reflection on her and told me it was all my fault, that I was 'born that way', that I'm different, I'm weird and that I have mental health problems. The list could go on and on.
From my teens to now I have always had an absolute rage brewing up inside me which sometimes comes to the surface where I have to lock myself in the bathroom or my bedroom to scream it out/hit pillows (I don't want to shout in front of my DC because that is what my Dad used to do). Sometimes the anger really scares me. In the real world I am actually a very quiet and meek kind of person as I have been 'trained' to not show my anger towards anything. It was only after i had my DC that I realised truly where this rage came from and it is from the frustration and anger I feel towards my parents.
Even though it has been over a year since I have gone NC with them, despite feeling a million times better and the anger is not what it used to be, I still get quite overwhelmed by it all. Will my life always be like this? I wish I could just let it all go and let go of the baggage.
Any ideas or experience of the same?
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Will the anger I feel towards my toxic parents ever go away?
pinkandpurplebottle · 20/11/2014 19:24
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