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If you are NC with family and happy about it, how did you reach that point?

(12 Posts)
UpInTheAirAgain Thu 20-Nov-14 14:36:50

I read a lot on here about people about going NC and it being the best thing they've ever done, they feel much better, changed their life etc and I'm wondering why the hell I can't feel like that tbh!

My mother, stepfather and siblings (all 7 of them!) cut me off over a year ago now due to me bringing up my mother's abuse, favouritism and how she dealt with her divorce from my father who I had not had any contact with from the ages of 6 to 38. It was me going into therapy for severe anxiety and 'finding' my father again that sparked it all off. I was left out of several big family weddings and did not hear a word from anyone last Christmas and as I have 4 DC who noticed the lack of presents (ditto on their birthdays this year), this has been very hurtful.

I was also very ill and in hospital earlier this year which they all knew about but not one of them contacted me to check we were coping OK.

My mother is a witch and caused me massive damage to my self esteem when I was growing up including ignoring sexual abuse but I just cannot seem to accept that my DC are better off without her in their lives.

She was an OK grandmother, favouritism for her other GC aside until this kicked off but now has not seen my DC for 2 years. My youngest does not know her at all.

My real father is not interested either as he does not want to deal with the fallout from him leaving and is 'too old to open that can of worms'. FFS!

So with Christmas approaching again, how do I get a point where I just don't care and feel better for it? It is on my mind from the minute I wake up every day. I feel completely worthless. Especially since my younger sister told me in a text that the family has become much stronger and closer now I'm not in it. She also refused to meet me in case it upset our mother, that's how manipulative she is.

Tips on how to not give a shit appreciated!

RubMyLamp Thu 20-Nov-14 14:43:55

My mother was an alcoholic coke head who hid it very well behind a "middle class" facade. She was emotionally and mentally abusive, violent and neglectful.

I moved out at 16. Between then and 21 went long periods of time without seeing her - and only one incident of violence when I was 19, witnessed by the whole family yet totally denied by my little sisters.

Then, I was 21 and 8 weeks pregnant, and she tried to punch me in the face. And I just stood there and thought: I'm a fucking grown up. I am a grown up. I'm a pregnant woman and my mother has just very nearly physically assaulted me. Why am I putting up with this shit?

It was Boxing Day, got one of my mates to pick me up. That was 8 years ago. I cannot describe how much better my life got. No criticisms, no gaslighting, no lying, no verbal or emotional abuse. I attempted to have her in my life again aged 25-26 (I'm now 28) but that was a fucking huge mistake and 2 years later my life is calm and peaceful although stupid teenage sisters will turn up with gifts from her again this Christmas despite being told not to but DH is dealing with that this year

RubMyLamp Thu 20-Nov-14 14:49:52

Also - she slagged me off for years RE not being allowed to see her precious granddaughters. The 15 months she was allowed to see them whenever she wanted, she chose not to.

She turned up at Easter last year with one small chocolate egg each - fine if she was skint, but then she sat there talking about the two giant eggs, several medium ones, clothes AND toys that she'd bought for her grandson, my DNeph.

That was my breaking point. No, do not muscle your way into my home with your false "I want to see my grandkids at Easter" then proceed to give them some wanky little egg and harp on about what you've bought their cousin, youngest DD was 2 and didn't realise but eldest DD was 4 coming up for 5 and understood perfectly.

Prior to that my eldest DD asked several times if she could sleep at Grandmas. She was told "no" and then she would harp on about how much she'd had DNeph overnight, taking him to the park, to Thomas Land, having him for dinner, etc etc etc.

She would never have been allowed to have them unsupervised by me as I didn't trust her but she wasn't aware of that.

My eldest DDs face at Easter was the absolute final straw. She was not going to belittle, humiliate, hurt and make my kids feel worthless. No fucking way

ShizeItsWeegie Thu 20-Nov-14 15:27:16

I am NC with my sister. It is nice here in the sun! The difference for me compared to you is simply this IMO. There is no downside for me whatsoever. Nothing would persuade me to want anything to do with her ever again. She has blighted my life for as long as I was in touch with her. For you though you are perceiving disadvantages and that is where the hurt is coming from and also with my sister I made the decision. In your case the decision was made for you and in a hurtful way. I think until you can see the advantages only and no disadvantages at all, you will feel upset about this. Quite how though is another matter. Counselling may help and others on here may give some pointers there. I think you definitely need to take back some power and control even if all this extends to is changing your mobile and home phone number so the toxics and their flying monkeys can't contact you to go nah nah nahnah na! Maybe even text the cousin back and tell her exactly what you think of her. Whatever it takes to feel you have a bit of control instead of feeling like you have been dumped. Maybe a text saying that you are changing your number and everyday you are not in touch with any of them is like a holiday. I always like to have the last word though!

Meerka Fri 21-Nov-14 08:42:44

upintheair you've been put in the position of being almost an orphan.

Actually after that text from your youngest sister, it looks like they are ALL scapegoating you. It was such a hurtful comment and she must have known that. Is she by any chance similar to your mother?

what do you actually get out of being in contact with them? if you write it down on paper, the pros and the cons?

If it's the sense that you feel you belong somewhere, then I think you need to grieve that actually, you don't have a proper family and proper belonging. It does hurt so much though when you are rejected. flowers It's such a profound need to belong but your family are desperately hurtful that the price is too high to your sanity.

Walkacrossthesand Fri 21-Nov-14 08:54:26

I think the difference is, that when the decision to go NC is yours, you were ready to make that decision having weighed up the pros and cons. In your situation, it's not so much that 'the family' have gone no contact (your cousin is still contacting you to be mean to you!!) - they have ostracised you, as the latest in a long line of nastiness. When you can see this for what it is, grieve the family you haven't got and will never have, and reciprocate the NC because you want to, you will feel much stronger. Do you have close friends in RL, who care about you and your DCs?

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Fri 21-Nov-14 10:33:51

Make it your decision.

Decide that if they tried to get in contact, you would tell them to fuck off.

Loads of us have families we are NC with. You are not worthless. They are.

Lottapianos Fri 21-Nov-14 10:39:13

'If it's the sense that you feel you belong somewhere, then I think you need to grieve that actually, you don't have a proper family and proper belonging'

Grieve the loss OP. Allow yourself to feel it. Don't expect it to be like flicking a switch or ripping off a plaster. It takes time. Its intensely painful. Its entirely normal to feel the way you do.

I'm very low contact with my parents and its becoming more ok all the time. I'm certainly not 'happy' about it but I recognise that I am much better off without them regularly in my life. This week I have been feeling pretty heartbroken that I don't have a 'normal' family that I can spend Christmas with. I go through periods of feeling good about the situation, and periods of feeling bereft.

Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. Keep posting about it on here if it helps. I cannot recommend professional support enough - I've been in therapy for 5 years and would not have been able to take these steps without it.

springydaffs Sat 22-Nov-14 08:54:17

The decision was made for you, not you made the decision. That changes things dramatically. They are abusing you with NC. Just more abuse, as per usual...

ime I am overjoyed not to have to see that toxic, sneering, scheming brood for another second. Phew! It was my decision (though they have all, I think, turned it around that it was theirs. WHO CARES). If I hear about eg a big family 'do' I can feel a twitch of hurt... but if I really think about it I'd rather be dead than have to be there, with the endless sniping and digs and humiliation, over and over. I went to a family wedding I couldn't avoid (or I chose not to avoid), arrived late, stayed for the service, left as everyone herded off for photos at the end. I literally skipped down the road, it was pure joy not to have to be there, a sitting duck for their poison.

I know what you mean about it being in your guts 24/7 though. I get that when I'm feeling low, it's like an emotional barometer. I've had times where they are 'in and all around me': in my dreams, my waking hours. It's all the trauma working its way out - takes its time; bear with it and wait for it to pass. Look after yourself, do specific nurturing exercises eg looking at yourself in the mirror and saying positive affirmations to yourself. It's essential to look after yourself when you have been so abused and neglected all your life.

Make it your decision and go NC properly. Don't look at eg facebook pics, don't keep in contact with anyone in the family at all. You don't have to be dramatic about it, just quietly drop all contact. I even avoid friends of the family - I don't want to hear updates. I'm not rude, just slip away at the first opportunity or pretend I haven't seen them . I have to keep myself safe and sane, and if that means blanking/potentially hurting people that's what it's going to have to mean.

Don't do what I did after a few years of NC and assume they've grown up a bit. I got all 'fond' and thought water under the bridge had washed away a lot of shit. BIG mistake - they were worse than ever! I wouldn't have thought it was possible to be worse, but they were. They hadn't had me for to years to torture and punish, they were in toxic overdrive.

I hop, skip, jump at not being part of that poisonous bunch. It hurts, especially at christmas, that I don't have a family (or I do, but I don't) but the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.

Keep going, lovely. You'll get there xxxx

springydaffs Sat 22-Nov-14 09:00:19

*2 years doh. not to years.

something2say Sat 22-Nov-14 09:08:54

I agree with everyone else. Time is what heals it.

A mistake I made which I would advise you not to send is......don't think that their life is perfect and yours is not. I fantasised that my family were all getting on famously, happy family occasions laughing about ho I had been the cause of all the problems.

I reported the anuse to the police and then rang my sister to tell her. She filled me on the rest of them.

Oh. My. GOD!!!!!

There I had been thinking they would be all happy without me, but it was completely the other way round.

As the days passed and that sunk in, I realised how much I had internalised what my mother had said; that it was me, my fault. So if I was now gone, then they should be happy right? They were not. It was never my fault.

At that point, everything the books said clicked into place. Abuse took place in my house because of my mother, not me. Now I was gone, she is still the same. Everything I suffered and put up with was pointless because I was not the problem. She is.

So my point is.....yes you may not see them now and yes that is going to hurt. Someone else said, it's the giving up of the fantasy that hurts, and the giving up on hope that it will ever change.

But don't think that they are going to swan off into the sunset all happy. They are not. You are. Without the chaos and ups and downs, your life is the one that will slowly improve. X

Joysmum Sat 22-Nov-14 09:12:34

I'm no contact with my mums dad and step mum.

They are selfish, so far up their own arses and everything I hate about the wannabe middle class, I don't respect them. They hurt my mum every year.

It occurred to me if they weren't my grandparents I wouldn't want to mix with their I don't!

I just provide support to my mum who isn't at my stage.

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