What kind of sex is this?

[writergirl]

My DP and I have been together nearly 10 years.

In the beginning we had a lot of raunchy sex, which was fine. Over time, I feel I need more intimacy, and 'middle of the night' sex, which doesn't involve me dressing up and wearing heels. I don't mind that, but don't feel like doing it all the time!

The other day, we had sex - his kind - without even kissing - this kind of 'intercourse' doesn't really do it for me.

I keep bringing it up, as we have a good communicative relationship, and I also keep sliding over to him in the middle of the night to initiate some more romantic style lovin', but he really is not up for my kind of sex. Doesn't fancy it, or happens to be too tired...

I personally think he has intimacy issues, although I can't get to the bottom of them, or work out why that would be.

I have a niggling feeling he can't handle a 'real woman' - without all the trimmings, but I don't know if I'm over analysing this.

Any thoughts, anyone?

Should I keep analysing?

[cailindana]

What's his response when you say you're not into his type of sex? Why do you carry on doing it even though you're not into it?

[Twinklestein]

Porn sex? Crap sex? Does it need a name?

The fact is it doesn't do it for you.

[writergirl]

Why do I carry on?

Because otherwise we wouldn't have any!

I did that for a while, and we reallly didn't have sex for ages.

[cailindana]

Would that be a bad thing? As in, why have sex if it does nothing for you?

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

You've repeatedly told him what you would like to do in bed. He will not do it.

The other day, we had sex - his kind - without even kissing - this kind of 'intercourse' doesn't really do it for me
Why are you having only sex that doesn't do it for you? Say no. Say why.

Sex therapy maybe?

TBH though, if you keep putting out on his terms only then what's his incentive to change? That said, it is odd that he doesn't want to bend over backwards (oh err Mrs) to make sure you are happy with the sex. I don't know if sex therapy can make him care about your needs.

You really should not be having sex if you don't want to. He doesn't when he doesn't want to.

btw my DH woke me up once in the middle of the night for sex. He never did it again. Some things are hard limits. Sleep is one of mine

[Twinklestein]

I think I'd rather have none than that...

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

I did that for a while, and we reallly didn't have sex for ages.

Ah, so he was prepared to stick out the drought longer than you were. You blinked first.

He really really doesn't want to make you happy in bed does he? That's fucked. And not in a good way.

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

Don't keep analysing.

Endlessly analysing someone else's bad behaviour is pointless.

Considering strategies to allow yourself to put up with their bad behaviour is worse.

Get therapy. On your own maybe. Also the sex therapy if he can be bothered to do anything to improve your sex life.

Decide what you are willing to put up with for the next ten years. Act accordingly.

[Windywinston]

I don't want to derail this into another porn thread, but has he learned his sexual techniques from porn. No kissing during sex is very odd IMO and sounds like he's acting out porn sex. I could be wrong.

If the way he has sex with you makes you uncomfortable then you have every right to refuse. However, clearly in your case this means no sex and you'd rather take his meagre offerings than nothing at all. Would he consider some sort of joint sexual counselling so that you can find a way to an equally fulfilling sex life?

[TheHermitCrab]

What does he say when you say you don't like his way of doing it?

When you first had sex together was it always "his way" and he didn't know you had a preference to any other kind of sex?

If you've always had raunchy, loveless sex ever since you met, it may be unfair to just keep telling him you don't like sex that way. Properly discuss it, with answers...etc.

I don't think there's anything wrong with his kind of sex, for fun, but there should always be intimacy. My and my partner have both - just depends on the mood!.

[TheLittleOneSaidRollOver]

Actually, it just occurred to me...

Is your actual complaint that you get no foreplay?

He gets foreplay: lingerie and heels.

You don't even get a decent snog?

Intimacy, attentiveness, kissing are not a "type of sex" they are foreplay.

Day to day, I'd expect a good bit of that before it occurred to me to offer to change into nice pants and/or heels.

[Twinklestein]

They're been together 10 years, she 'keeps bringing it up', she says they have good communication but that he is 'really is not up for my kind of sex'.

He's made his feelings clear. He's not going to change. He gets the kind of sex he wants, why would he bother?

The more obvious question is why the OP has stayed in a relationship with sex she doesn't like for so long.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Have you tried having "your" kind of sex not in the middle of the night? If my DH woke me up for sex he'd get a very short sharp "fuckoffi'msleepingzzzzzzzzzz".

You both need a frank discussion, in or out of the bedroom about what it is that you like and dislike about each other's sexual preferences. And then come up with a compromise that suits both of you.

[AnnieLobeseder]

Though if he's completely opposed to discussion and compromise, that tells you how little he respects your body, your feelings or your right to intimacy and feeling loved within your marriage.

[Sickoffrozen]

I agree with the middle of the night thing? Are we talking literally 3am because if anyone tried to get jiggy with me at that time, they would be kicked out of the bed!

[Riverland]

OP, I agree with you. My hunch would be the same as yours: intimacy avoidance and not taking on a real woman, therefore.

He's only relating to sexual cliches, not a real person.

You can't get to the bottom of it. He needs to, though! His sexual responsiveness is very limited, I'd even say ..stunted.

[TheHermitCrab]

Wow so many people opposed to the middle of the night thing? I regularly wake my OH up at 4am when we're up at 6am. Can mean a bit of a groggy day but it's usually worth it! lol

[CheersMedea]

I think its called a quickie.

It's fine occasionally but you don't want to be doing that all the time.

I read an article about that sex therapist women advising a couple in a relationship with this problem. I'll have to google and see if I can find it.

As I remember rightly, the gist of it was:
-sometimes the man husband just wanted to fu.ck to put it bluntly, get his rocks off fast. without foreplay or faff.

• the wife didn't appreciate that this was his feeling so would turn him down because she didn't feel like foreplay/full works sex.
• as a result he stopped asking, and they got into a no sex cycle.
• she advised them (I think but this is v. half remembered) to have a trial period whereby she agreed to the quickie/no foreplay sex on the basis that (i) he understood she would just lie back tolerate it and not be into it and (ii) in return, he would do full works sex for her when she was into it.

(Excuse the short hand phraseology. I can't say I was impressed with the lie back and tolerate the quick one advice, but I think it worked for them - which is why I remembered it. It sounded a bit too "put up with someone using your body" to me.)

I will google and see if I can find it.

[Riverland]

No. A quickie is quick sex, part of a wider range of sexual experience between a couple.

Here, there's no wider range. It's all cliched and immature.

[Windywinston]

Even a quickie without kissing would be weird IMO, but then I love a good snog

[GoatsDoRoam]

What kind of sex is this?

Sex that you do not want to have, from what you are telling us.

[hellsbellsmelons]

I call it! He's watching too much porn!
There, someone had to.

Morning sex is the best!

Do you have kids OP?

[AnnieLobeseder]

I think that sex therapist was a dick, Cheers, to be honest. Put up with being raped by your husband to improve you sex life?

A more sensible idea might have been for him to give her the full works and focus on making sure she was satisfied, with the hope the once she felt loved and fulfilled she might be more keen for the occasional quickie.

[cailindana]

Medea, any man who would be happy with their partner lying back and tolerating him using her body is a shithead in my book. There's a name for wanting sex with someone who doesn't want it.

[TheHermitCrab]

I don't think it is a quickie. If she's having to tart herself up where's the quickie in that?

To me a quickie is my OH either initiating on the spur of the moment i.e. (30 mins before I need to leave the house) or visa versa. Or actually suggesting it. "reckon we can fit a quickie in"

Quick sex - you can still kiss!!

It's just fantasy sex, disassociating her from being his loving partner, ignoring who she is when they have sex. Which is fun in doses, but if sex is always separate from their relationship, then that's shit.