Has anyone discussed the porn industry with their DC?

[Chocberry]

Ok so I've read that the average age a child is first exposed to porn is 11. My ds is 12 (almost 13). I don't want my ds thinking porn is normal and learning about sex from porn. I want him to know that it is acting and that the majority of sex acts (fisting, double anal etc) are not the norm in a healthy relationship.
I have Internet blocks at home and on ds phone. But I'm not naive to know that he will or probably already has come across it on friends phones.
I want him to be clued up about the porn industry and how woman are exploited etc.
But in saying that is now the right age? How would I explain to him age appropriately?
I'd like to know if anyone has already had this discussion with their dc and how did they approach it.

[Windywinston]

My daughters are both under 3, but when the time comes (around the age your DS is now) I have every intention of talking about it with them. Don't want to use the word porn, but will explain in terms they'll understand that it's not normal sex, they don't have to do anything they're not comfortable with, willies in vaginas is normal for grown ups but not in bottoms etc. I also plan to tell them it's ok to have pubic hair.

This is on top of the usual sex and relationship talks that need to be had.

I hate the fact that I'm going to have to talk to them about it, but I think in the world we live in any parent owes it to their children (male or female) to address this. Otherwise our children are going to grow up having very warped ideas about what sex is actually like.

[HumblePieMonster]

Well, you're sensible to mention it, I should think.

Be sensitive, though. As a teacher, I happened upon some boys (12-13) huddled around a phone and said to them, wearily, 'Oh, come on now, you're not watching porn are you?' (not in a tone of voice that suggested they might be). I found their response interesting. They said "Why does everyone think that, Miss? Look, we're watching a football game..."

There's an assumption that young people are looking for/finding/being interested in porn whereas in fact they might not be...

We are told repeatedly that porn is an issue for young people, and certainly they need to be well-informed, but I think more of them might be peacefully going about their days doing and thinking no porn at all!

[Andro]

I've discussed it a little with my 11yo DS, he'd overheard some things the older boys at his school were talking about and asked me about it.

The discussion was very basic and was basically:

Is porn legal or not? Some is, some isn't and in some places it's completely banned.

Is it real or make believe? It's real in the sense that the sex etc actually happens but it's not reality - I encouraged him to think about some of the stunt shows he watches when the stunts happen but he can see how they are staged, that way he was clear about how things can actually happen but still not be 'real'.

Why do you have to be 18 to watch/participate legally? Young people can be easily hurt/scared/traumatised by things they are not ready to understand and can be coerced into doing things they shouldn't/are not ready to do, as an adult it's my job to protect and prepare my children but the 18 rating is the law's way of guiding other adults in what children should be protected from. I also used his own knowledge of traumatic events and the effects they have to illustrate why many things should be kept in the adult world.


DS came to me with the first question and the other two followed on from there, I stayed away from the moral side of of the pornography industry because I don't think he's ready for that discussion yet. I'll no-doubt discuss the matter in more depth either in a year or two or when he comes to me with more questions, whichever comes first (I expect that once he's thought about the answers I gave him he'll come to me with something about whether adults can be coerced or not and that will be my opening for a chat about the moral side of the sex industry in all it's forms).

[Andro]

The discussion was very basic and was basically:

Ugh, poor construction there!

[CheersMedea]

Equality & Diversity GSCE Exam Paper 2014

Question 1:

"willies in vaginas is normal for grown ups but not in bottoms etc."

"Normal"? Discuss.

[Windywinston]

Oh gosh, sorry very crudely put by me. However, this thread is about how people will deal with children and access to porn and I meant it in terms of for their boundaries as young girls, what will be normal for them, if they are indeed heterosexual. I'm sorry but I need them to know that it's ok to say no to anal sex, that doesn't mean I think nobody should do it, I can assure you that I will not be raising my children to be homophobic or anything else, and later on if they want to explore these things in an adult loving relationship then that is their business. When I'm discussing porn with a 12 year old girl I don't think it's too shocking to say that normal sex doesn't have to include everything. I'm not anti bum sex, I'm anti young girls (and indeed boys) being coerced into it by being made to believe that everyone is at it.

I think what you've highlighted though is the need for educating young people on this to be part of an open and ongoing dialogue on all adult topics.

[CheersMedea]

Yeah - I knew what you meant Windy.
I was just being a bit devil's advocate.

[Windywinston]

It's a good point though! I thank fuck I've got 10 years to figure out exactly what to say

[Mugg1ns]

Simply tell them to do what they and their partner enjoy, and don't do what they don't enjoy. Simple.

[Chocberry]

Thanks for the replies. I'm pleased I'm not the only one who thinks this is important. Its not that I think he is watching porn (I hope not), I just want him to know the facts once he comes across it!
I will have a basic chat and then wait for him to ask further questions I think.

[Mugg1ns]

I like to think most kids reaction to seeing porn would be 'eeeewww' rather than 'oh I must try that asap'.

[Windywinston]

Mugg1ns - I think you're right when talking about young teens, but by the time they're thinking of having sex themselves there's evidence that teens are now going to porn because they think it shows them how to do it. If as parents we can nip this fallacy in the bud when their natural reaction is ewwww, then they should have a healthier attitude towards it later on.

[Vivacia]

As a teacher, I happened upon some boys (12-13) huddled around a phone and said to them, wearily, 'Oh, come on now, you're not watching porn are you?' (not in a tone of voice that suggested they might be).

I wouldn't be happy if a teacher said that to my child at school.

I thank fuck I've got 10 years to figure out exactly what to say

I don't think you have though. I've always thought that the sex conversations will develop from the friendship conversations you have at a younger age. TV plot lines are great for discussing these kinds of things, but so many bad relationships are modelled without criticism.

[Windywinston]

Vivacia, like I said it's all part of a larger open dialogue, but the porn talk I hope not to have to go into directly until 12ish. If needs be then yes I will address as and when it organically arises.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Yeah, I wouldn't say it was a 'discussion'; it was me talking and him looking to escape. I was too late- he'd already looked up anal sex and milf. I found them sandwiched between club penguin.
He was nine.
I've continued with the talks over the last five years and he knows I feel the porn industry nowadays is exploitative and 'unreal'. I've also got strict controls on the home PC etc. communication is obviously key - even if it's only one-way!

[Windywinston]

I'm staggered by the attitude that a person isn't entitled to decide what their deal breakers are and that they are breaking up their family by sticking to their beliefs.

Everyone has their deal breakers, whether it's food, drugs, smoking, drinking, politics, religion etc. Those things are all fine, but bring in a deal breaker which, by it's nature is largely a gendered issue, and all of a sudden a person is out of order and controlling for making it a deal breaker. That's just fucking sad.

[Windywinston]

Sorry wrong thread

[elephantsears]

I wouldn't be happy if a teacher said that to my child at school
Excellent. Please feel free to police everything teachers say to everyone. They won't notice - you'll just be one of a crowd.

[Wackadoodle]

Can certainly relate to what Humble said. DS is 15, looked at it a few times just thought it was silly. Of course he could be looking at stuff I don't know about but there isn't much time in the week he could be if he is. Doesn't have computer in room or smartphone, or seem to want either.

Not denying there can be problems but I'm not convinced all or most kids' lives are as dominated by porn as many seem to think they are. It sometimes feels a bit to my like elderly Victorian matrons desperately covering up the legs of pianos to avoid fostering "impure thoughts", and ending up saying more about themselves than those they are supposedly protecting.

[Wackadoodle]

I don't want my ds thinking porn is normal and learning about sex from porn. I want him to know that it is acting and that the majority of sex acts (fisting, double anal etc) are not the norm in a healthy relationship.

Why would he not know that it's acting? He knows that other films are acting, doesn't he?

[Heyho111]

They do know it's not real, they are not daft.
I just said " you're going to be very disappointed if you think sex is really like porn". I got short sharp shrift that went something like. "For gods sake mum I'm not thick".
I wouldn't worry too much about it. When they look at it rarely at that age it's for the shock factor and a laugh. And i would say occasionally whilst doing what teen boys do best in their rooms

[wallypops]

Windy my dd aged 5 came to me with questions about sex - so 13 is probably ambitious! She asked me if Daddy had really put his zizi in my zizi. She was pretty shocked that bit was true. She asked if it hurt!! I feel I missed several tricks by saying no. I perhaps ought to have said it's agony pre 25!
Later there was a discussion about baby holes which involved my 2 DDs lying on the floor like upturned spiders looking for the various holes!

[BlueberryWafer]

Sorry, you told your 5 year old you have anal sex and it doesn't hurt?! She is five years old fgs! My parents have always been extremely open with me about sex and porn etc, but at the age of 5 it was the absolute basics!

[BlueberryWafer]

Sorry Wally I just re read your post and realised I misread it and you were talking about sex, not anal sex - think I half read the post before and got it mixed up with yours. My apologies!

[Windywinston]

When did I say I'd wait till my kids were 13 to talk about sex?

I'm talking about discussing porn.

For those women who think their kids aren't watching porn, I hope you're right, but evidence suggests that more and more young people are viewing it from a young age and that it's where many young people are going to find out about how to have sex. There's nothing Victorian about my views, I just don't want my daughter to be talked into doing something she's uncomfortable with because it's been normalised through porn and I want her to know it's ok to have pubic hair.