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Just when l thought it couldn't hurt any more

(56 Posts)
WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 10:17:00

I posted a few weeks ago about my 3 year relationship ending, my ex had been cheating on me for months but despite this l tried really hard to make it work as l really loved him so much.
He promised me there wasn't anyone else and sat with me as l sobbed my heart out, he cried too apparently at how hurt l was.
The past week l have been feeling a tiny bit better, even managed to get through a whole day without crying. I've kinda just been blocking everything out, it's probably not healthy but it's the only way l can get myself through the day.

Went onto fb today to see he had been tagged in a photo of a very extravagant bouquet of flowers from a woman gushing about the flowers her "lovely man" had sent her. She's younger, prettier and slimmer than me. Feel like my heart has broken all over again, l didn't know it was possible to feel pain as bad as this.

I know he is a cheating twat and will probably cheat on her too but the thought of him moving on so quickly without a second thought for me has destroyed me. He never bought me bloody flowers either!! I have been physically sick and trying really hard to resist the urge to storm round to his tonight. I have texted him a few times the last few weeks all of which he has ignored, I have a lot of belongings at his l need to collect at some point, he's probably given them to the new woman sad

Can't see a way out of this sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 10:33:08

I'm sorry you're upset. However, you knew he was a cheat so if you're angry it's probably directed at yourself for being taken for a fool. Nothing more demeaning or hurtful than 'trying really hard to make it work' with someone who was not worth it. You'll never make that mistake again, will you?

For now, do you have friends or family you can be with and rage with over a wine? Get your stuff back, storm if you have to, but look after yourself first and foremost.

WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 10:38:16

I am completely gripped by feeling that l will never be enough for anyone. I can see now he was just using me to feel better about himself and as a stop gap until somebody better came along.
What hurts the most is realising how totally insignificant l was and am to him. I thought l was a good person, l always try to do the right thing by people and l would never cheat or deliberately hurt someone yet he has destroyed me without a second thought because as far as he is concerned l am worthless sad

TheHermitCrab Thu 20-Nov-14 10:39:27

I feel sick for you, I know the feeling... hugs

You need to block him on facebook, you won't see anything he is tagged in unless you have mutual friends, and I'm guessing this woman wasn't one?

Collect your belongings now while you still hate him, then you can cut him off completely and not have to go back later. xx

TheHermitCrab Thu 20-Nov-14 10:40:54

and don't worry about the massive bunch of flowers, they are more for his ego than anything else... Don't use it as a reflection on you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 10:46:16

You can't judge yourself by the way one shitty person treated you. If you're a decent person that tries to do the right thing, that makes you one of the good guys.

However , if you genuinely think you are not good enough for anyone, you'll end up as a self-fulfilling prophesy. The danger of that kind of thinking is that you will find yourself staying in more relationships well past the point where you should have called time. When someone cheats on you, you don't 'try harder', you kick them out on their ear. By taking them back you're just saying 'do what you like'...'I don't matter'.

It's early days and you need to look after yourself. Going forward, try to work on your self-esteem. Set the bar a lot higher. You deserve the best

Tryharder Thu 20-Nov-14 10:47:50

Most of us on here have been in your position.

It's a cliche but time heals and you will not feel like this forever.

Do yourself a favour and block him on social media sites. Avoid any situation where you will see him. Do not ring, text, message or email him.

Do whatever you need to do to distract yourself whether that is throw yourself into work, take up a new hobby, meet up more with friends or family.

Don't dwell on you being a victim and him the bad guy. You weren't meant for each other. Maybe he has now found his forever partner, maybe not but tell yourself it's not your concern.

Concentrate on making yourself better again emotionally and in a position to meet someone new who won't cheat on you or let you down. It will happen. Maybe not now or even in a few months time. Don't rush into anything new.

Good luck.

BabyLove00 Thu 20-Nov-14 10:55:49

Such a horrid situation for you flowers I would recommend NOT storming. If you feel this bad now, having him/the ow see you distraught won't help. Cry, puke and do whatever else you need to behind closed doors, but put on a front when you organise getting your stuff back. I say this, because when you eventually get to the point where you're over him (which will happen one day) you'll cringe at the tears you shed in front of him and you'll wonder why you ever let him see you like that. I was dumped by an ex while I was naked (just about to get into the shower at the time) and I cannot tell you how fucking awful it felt - wasn't even that into him while we were dating, but I fucking hated him for this and was very tempted to gauge his eyes out - but despite feeling physically exposed/vulnerable and disgusting/unwanted, I held my head up high, calmly asked him to leave and never saw him again. Now that I'm married to the absolute love of my life, I realise that knobjockey did me a huge favour and I am SOOOO glad I didn't waste a single tear on him. I completely agree with what others have said about setting the bar higher. There are decent men out there that will treat you with respect, you just need to believe that you're worth that. Now you're free from this wankbadger, you're one step closer to having that. Don't settle for anything less than the best. Take care xxx

WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 11:04:04

I know l have problems with my self esteem, l always have. He knew this as well which is why it makes it even harder to accept what he has done to me.
I am going to go and see him tonight to collect my things and that's it. Although l so want to send her a message telling her what a cheating horrible fuckwit her "lovely man" is but l know l will just look bitter, which l am btw.
When we met he told me how his ex had cheated on him and broke his heart and how he would never treat anyone like that. But l just didn't matter enough to him.
I know l can do so much better but l can't imagine ever being able to trust anyone again, ever wanting to be close enough to someone that they could inflict this horrific pain on me.
Thank you ladies for your words of wisdom, it means a lot to think that someone might care a tiny bit about me.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 20-Nov-14 11:04:37

Block him on all social media, send someone round to his to collect your stuff and STOP texting him, it's not doing you any favours, both for your own personal wellbeing and the way you'll start timepiece to others if you continue contacting him.

He sounds like a total shit. I know it doesn't feel like it now but you'll look back at this in the future and wonder what you ever saw in him. You've just got to take it a day at a time, and seeing what he's up to via Facebook won't be helping at all.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 20-Nov-14 11:05:41

* to appear - not timepiece!? Bloody phone.

Joysmum Thu 20-Nov-14 11:10:47

I was cheated on and raped by an ex, life is good now and I'm 20 years in with a good man who loves me as much as I love him.

I'm glad I trusted again. I hope you'll be able to one day too so that you're open to loving a good man and letting them love you.

That's all down the line though, now you just need to get through each day.

WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 11:36:46

Have already started compiling a message to the new woman. I suspect he has been seeing her a while, he removed all photos of me from his social media a few months ago (long before we split up, I know I'm a mug)
She no doubt thinks he's a great guy, just like l did. I want her to know that when he doesn't reply to texts after nights out it's not because he's really drunk, it's because he's in someone else's bed. And that he still regularly emails his other ex telling her how much he misses her and nobody will ever match up to her (Only found out this last week) and that she has threatened him with a restraining order.
I know this all sounds incredibly bitter, is it really wrong that l want him to be extremely unhappy forever? That l never want him to give anyone the false hopes and dreams that he gave me? That l don't want anyone to create apparently happy memories with him, visiting our favourite places together.
I despise him yet my heart breaks for him. What the fuck is wrong with me? I feel so weak and stupid.

I'm sorry for ranting on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 11:43:28

My tip would be to write all this stuff and then don't send it. It's good to be angry because it's energising but try to use the energy to do something good for yourself and boost that self esteem. Use those 'fuck that!' feelings to make positive changes rather than waste time on someone who doesn't care. He is who he is and what he is. That's his tragedy. You're no longer part of it and that's a blessing... even if it doesn't feelike it yet.

Book a great holiday, a trip to a spa, a new haircut, the Open Uni course, finish the novel, learn Sanskrit or whatever would make you feel good. You're #1.

HazleNutt Thu 20-Nov-14 11:50:14

Don't send the letter. Don't give him the satisfaction and opportunity to paint you as some crazy bunny-boiler ex. The new girl thinks he is the best thing ever, whom is she going to believe - her perfect man, or you?

WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 12:20:35

I know she will think l'm a bunny boiler, maybe l am? I'm partly motivated by the fact his ex recently got in touch with me (we very vaguely knew each other years ago and have a mutual acquaintance) to show me the emails he had been sending her and basically to tell me l was better off without him and some other stuff about him. I wish she had told me this 3 years ago, yes l may not have totally believed her but it would at least forewarned me that he wasn't as perfect as he wanted me to believe, that he wasn't totally trustworthy.

I know this all seems like the ranting of a crazy woman, I just want him to feel just a little of the horrid gnawing feeling of grief l am feeling. It is overwhelming me sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 12:27:15

But the point is that you wouldn't have believed the ex earlier. You're only listening now because you've experienced the crap first hand. His new girlfriend has seen his behaviour towards you already but thinks it'll never happen to her. 'The best revenge is to live well' and that's also how you'll restore your flagging self esteem,

BringMeTea Thu 20-Nov-14 12:30:12

Oh darling. Your pain is almost palpable. I am so sorry. It is awful. He is an insensitive loser. Allow yourself to feel sad and angry. Tell people. I hate discussing my private life with folks but whenever I have done it has helped immeasurably. People care and will support you.

Try to ride the storm of recrimination. I totally know that feeling btw. I know how strong the urge is. But. You don't want to do something you might regret that will make you feel worse down the line. Talk to friends and family. It WILL get better.

WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 12:46:01

I know that everything you lovely ladies are saying makes sense, l really do, but it just doesn't help this overwhelming pain. I have messaged a few friends to tell them, they are all pretty shocked as they to fell for the great guy act and even when we split tried to get me to see things from his point of view and kept telling me that we had seemed so happy confused sad Now they don't really have anything to say apart from that he's a prize dick.

It sounds incredibly shallow but what is really eating me up is that she is everything l will never be. She's younger, very slim with blonde hour and big boobs. He's probably so proud of himself for managing to dump a munter like me and find someone so gorgeous. I'm pathetic l know sad

WishingOnAStarOneDay Thu 20-Nov-14 14:33:39

I have written what l think is a very unemotional, concise message to her explaining what kind of man he is. My hand is hovering on the send button, l know l shouldn't but l really can't bear the thought of her thinking he is a great caring guy when he is a fucking cheating prick.
I'm counting the hours until l can go round to his and get my stuff back, and confront him. He doesn't know that l know exactly who he cheated on me with (he's still denying it and playing the nice guy act) I'm going to roll off all their names and the dates it happened just to see the shock on his face, then I'm going to tell him what a fuckwit he is and walk out of there with my head held high. And then delete him from my life.

Right l just need to do all this without crying!

BabyLove00 Thu 20-Nov-14 14:39:31

Please don't send it. Don't rise to it. Keep your dignity. She'll find out what he's like for herself in time. Get your stuff back and focus on yourself.

clairemarie5 Thu 20-Nov-14 14:43:14

He is a prize dick!
So sorry that you're hurting over this daft man.
In my opinion.. tell yourself you deserve better than someone who would cheat on you, he's probably moved on so fast because he's a big baby and can't be on his own/wants a new gf so soon just to feel better about himself, you're well rid of someone who doesn't care enough about you to be honest with you..
Now tell yourself you're a perfectly lovely woman that any good man would be lucky to have, you're now free to do whatever you want whenever you want without having to consult a significant other, you get to meet a new fantastic man who will treat you like a queen!

Stop looking on his Facebook, stop caring about what HE is doing and start making fun plans for YOURSELF. It's a waste of time and energy worrying about someone who treated you badly and is now basically out of your life.. also seeing as you don't have kids with him (I'm guessing seeing as you haven't mentioned any?) you have no ties to him so just cut all thoughts of him right out of your mind! You'll feel so much better when you accept the relationship had to end because of his stupidity and you're better off without him!
Go out with your friends and enjoy life smile

charlie2405 Thu 20-Nov-14 14:43:27

I feel so bad for you. I wish I could help but take comfort in knowing your better off without him. It'll hurt less eventually and you'll have the last laugh xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 14:45:49

When my exH left me for someone else I remember a recurring nightmare in which I would be landing angry punches on him while he just stood there looking nonchalant. Doesn't take an expert to interpret that dream as the frustration powerlessness. Wanting to administer pain to someone who has hurt you and failing to make an impression

I couldn't get a reaction from my punching dream and sadly you won't get satisfaction from sending a character reference to his new girlfriend. Do what you have to for your own self respect but do be realistic

Castlemilk Thu 20-Nov-14 14:53:02

It doesn't sound bitter, no. I feel very sorry for her and what's in store for her with her new 'lovely man.' Who would I rather be, out of her and you? You, without a doubt.

By the way, it wasn't because 'YOU didn't matter to him enough.' That makes no sense, if you think about it. What, he's a really nice guy, kind and moral, but obviously only with people who really matter to him? Um, not really, if that's the case then what he is is a shit, and what he does with people who 'matter' to him is pretend, basically. He cheated and treated you badly because he's a cheat who is ok with treating people badly. Poor him, really - it's a second-best way to live.

If you have proof of stuff, like the texts to his ex, you could indeed send her a factual message, wishing her good luck and letting her know that you wouldn't have been able to rest easy if you hadn't told her, that you don't want anything other than to put your own mind selfishly at rest on this as he isn't a nice man. And leave it at that. However, as others are saying, there are various ways that that could backfire. Have a think.

Once again, out of her, him, you? I'd choose to be YOU.

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