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pregnant and he's left me AGAIN!

(172 Posts)
KnockedUpYetAgain Thu 20-Nov-14 09:13:07

Hi, apologies in advance for the length of the post but this is a long one.
I met xdp a few years ago. After a casual relationship for a few months i fell pregnant. Both shocked but we both already had children, decided to keep the baby and try and make it work. Three weeks later (after the first scan) he texted to say he didnt want a relationship. I was devestated, but tried to be friends.
Durinh my pregnancy I would text about antenatal appointments. He would agree to come, go awol on the day, then text to say he wanted no contact with me or the baby. We would exchange several texts argueing, then he would start ignoring me. So I would leave it a few weeks, text about the next appointment, he would agree to come and it repeated. Every time.

He missed the birth, visited for two hours during his paternity leave, and by the time my ds was 8weeks old he dissapeared completely. I text occasionally for a few months begging him to see ds but after his 1st birthday I gave up.

When ds was 18months I suddenly got a grovelling text. Begged him to see ds, he came round, said he had changed and after a while we got back together.

The relationship has been awful. At times he is amazing, romantic weekends away, tells me he loves me more than life itself and wants us to marry hmm. This lasts a couple of months then he seems to lose it. He will create an argument over nothing, storm out and ignore me. Sometime for days, weeks or months. During this time he goes out, parties, other women he likes to tell me about (while refusing to discuss ds) and no contact with our son. Eventually he will speak to me and Im so elated hes being polite I will beg for forgiveness, we get back together and the whole thing starts again.

Im now ten weeks pregnant. The last two months have been awful, walking out and ignoring me and ds for days then coming back and expecting me to be fine. Seeing ds for an hour a week after work but wanting to stay every night, turning up after ds is asleep. Spending all weekend in the pub.

Sunday afternoon he was supposed to be seeing ds. He turned his phone off and went to the pub. Text me after ds was in bed so I asked him to ring me.
He went mental. Screamed at me to die, jump off a cliff, he never wanted to see me ds or the baby. Sent hundreds of messages since but been ignored, and of course theres a few other women popped up on his facebook.
Im in bits. Shaking wreck, unable to eat or sleep. Ive begged forgiveness, begged him to see ds but no reply, ever.

This is a cycle were stuck in. I know if I dont message him for a while then he will come back and Im desperate for him to come back, but I cant keep doing this.
Ive lost so much weight, lost friends because theyre so tired of supporting me after years of this, my ds barely knows him.
How do I break the cycle and move on? How do I stop caring and wanting him while Im pregnant? I used to be so strong but this has turned me into an absolute mug!

Only1scoop Thu 20-Nov-14 09:19:35

Why do you keep 'begging for forgiveness' what on earth have you done wrong?

You need to rid this creature from your this situation will impact on your emotional and mental wellbeing as it already seems to be.

You have a young dc to look after and another on the way you can't risk this volatile behaviour occurring. It seems seeped in drama and you are allowing the show to continue.

Do you have support from relatives?

dollius Thu 20-Nov-14 09:19:39

FFS woman, where is your self respect? Why are you begging him for forgiveness? What do you perceive you need to be forgiven for?

You need to start putting your children first, not this pathetic excuse for a human being. He is not your priority.

Get a grip and I mean that in a kind way. Really.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 09:20:08

I think you need help. None of the usual advice to cut contact is going to work if you are unsupported because what you're describing sounds like there is an emotionally abusive, granting and withdrawal of affection, streak that keeps feeding the obsession. It's probably too much for friends and family to handle solo and it sounds like you're already victim of compassion fatigue given that you keep going back for another kicking. So I'd suggest you talk to your GP and HV about your state of mind and physical problems... see if you can be referred for counselling.

Good luck

smokinggnu Thu 20-Nov-14 09:23:02

If you can't stay clear for your own peaceful life (and you deserve to) then please consider the emotional upheaval for your children. He's treating you like a toy to use until he's bored. He hurls abuse at you, don't stand for it. You will be stronger (and healthier) to not accept this treatment.
For now drink plenty of sustaining drinks. You don't need forgiveness, you need this waste of space out of your life.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 20-Nov-14 09:24:54

You're desperate for him to come back??? Why?
Seriously, for your own sake but more importantly for your children you need to stop this ridiculous charade. This isn't the love of your life it's an emotionally abusive, cruel bastard who is fucking with your head and your children's heads. Find the strength from somewhere because if you don't you and your family will end up wrecked.

KnockedUpYetAgain Thu 20-Nov-14 09:26:17

No support from relatives but I do have some great friends, as soon as I said I was pregnant two have offered to be birth partners. If I can walk away from him Im ok... its happened before for and after a few weeks Im fine.
My problem is I keep taking him back and I feel I have to for my ds.
Drama is the perfect description, and Im exhausted by it!

SeasonsEatings Thu 20-Nov-14 09:26:27

Is your booking appointment this week? If so ask your midwife to arrange some counselling. You don't need to give details but say you are in a volatile relationship and your partner has gone awol.

Have you family nearby who can visit and help keep you busy? Are you ok for money? If not visit CAB to see if you have any additional income that you are not claiming.

Rather than putting energy into wanting him to visit try keeping busy. Realistically what would you benefit if he were to visit now? When you know he won't hang around anyhow?

You have brought your DS up so far on your own, this tells me that you are a strong woman, try to use this strength to keep well, try to eat small amounts often.

What does your DS get from being around this man?

MrsWembley Thu 20-Nov-14 09:27:52

You are in such a horrible place right now but honestly, it will get better if you let it. You have to stop begging and you have to be stronger than you could ever believe possible, for the sake of all your DCs. It's like an open wound, which you keep scratching and so keeps getting infected again. It may well hurt now, but by leaving it alone it will have a chance to heal over.

You said you already had DCs. How are they being affected by this? Think about how your DS will be when he is older and sees this cycle and starts to think this is how all relationships are and should be. Do you want him treating another person like this? Or your new baby - if it's a girl, do you want her thinking this is how she should be treated?

Please, please, stay here and listen to everyone who will no doubt follow me (or indeed, who have posted already with a shorter, more succinct message). You are worth the struggle that you have coming. So are your DCs. We can help you but the fight is yours. Let him go and stop begging. You are worth more than that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 09:29:27

"My problem is I keep taking him back and I feel I have to for my ds"

Be honest... a 3yo doesn't care either way. If you take him back, it's for yourself. It's tough being a lone parent (I am one myself) and it's natural to feel lonely and want adult company, but lonely leads to some really crappy decisions and, if you make excuses like 'it's for my son', then you'll get nowhere

MrsWembley Thu 20-Nov-14 09:32:37

Don't take him back for the sake of your DS, leave the fuckwit for the sake of your DCs!

Mintyy Thu 20-Nov-14 09:33:20

NO, you absolutely do not have to have anything to do with this scum for the sake of your ds.

Calm down, clear your head and ask yourself what possible good is having all this drama, upheaval and unhappiness in his little life?

PLEASE please please put him first and cut contact with your ex forever.

Also, you are only 10 weeks pregnant, you could have a termination. I hope you have considered that too.

winkywinkola Thu 20-Nov-14 09:33:48

This man sounds like he has some serious mental health problems.

I would be keeping him well away from any of your children. He will damage them.

So don't take him back again. Ignore him. Assume he has no part in your life from now on.

He is not a good man. He is not trustworthy or dependable. He sounds like a total creep.

Bin him for good and stop sending him texts. Never again. Don't get drawn in.

BrucieTheShark Thu 20-Nov-14 09:34:34

I would go further and say that you're actually damaging a 3 year old with this.

It's no relationship pattern for him to grow up believing is normal.

Better an absent father than an appalling one who is little more than a stranger that he sees treating his beloved mother as a doormat every now and again.

Would the idea that it is detrimental to your DS and unborn baby help to keep you strong?

Only1scoop Thu 20-Nov-14 09:38:00

You sound as if you do have some great friends even if they are a bit sick of hearing about it all.

Break the cycle before it really has an impact on your dc. If this is still occurring a year down the line it will....

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Thu 20-Nov-14 09:38:08

Not to mention the damage done to the older children who are seeing their mum get treated like shit, shaking, crying, not sleeping and all the rest rather than being the calm, present parent they need.

KnockedUpYetAgain Thu 20-Nov-14 09:38:59

MrsWembeley you post is spot on and deep down I know it!
Ive considered aborting but cant, I coped alone with ds and know I can again.
Practically Im fine, work part time and own my own home, Ive never let him move in because of the affect it would have on my older dc when he left.
Also he is a terrible father. He has an older ds who he does have contact with. A few weeks ago he and his ds came round, I was in the bathroom. His ds came in, instantly jumped on sofa fell off and hurt himself. Daft, but its what kids do.
Xdp started screming at his son that he was stupid, trying to make my ds call him stupid.
Its just horrible.

Only1scoop Thu 20-Nov-14 09:39:36

Sorry I thought your ds was younger than 3.

Only1scoop Thu 20-Nov-14 09:43:11

Read your own last post read it again and again. What do you think needs to be done?

This sham is going nowhere

Stop it now.

catsmother Thu 20-Nov-14 09:49:15

Taking him back for the sake of your DS will only provide DS with an absolutely appalling role model for him to grow up with re: how some grown men treat their partners (and children). Do you really want to run the risk that DS will grow up thinking it's okay to behave like such an irresponsible emotionally abusive shit ? ...... x2 because the new baby will also be exposed to this. And then, on top of that, there's the potential psychological damage your kids will (probably) suffer from being picked up and dropped whenever this "man" fancies ...... and of course that applies to you too. Your self esteem must already be shot to pieces but each and every time you allow him to treat you with such contempt it'll be shot some more, until you'll be all but destroyed.

Please please do not let this cycle continue. There is help out there which will enable you to kick him into touch. As others have said, GP and HV would be good starting points.

And furthermore, he is NOT the only fish in the sea. I wouldn't recommend even thinking about another relationship until you've learned to love yourself a bit more and of course it's not obligatory - but when, eventually, you do decide you might like to move on, there are lots of genuinely nice, considerate and kind men out there. This shit is NOT your only option - and while I understand most mothers naturally feel saddened if they can't sustain a relationship with their children's father(s), what you "have" isn't a relationship at all, not in the sense you want (and deserve) and it is far, far better for your children to have little or no contact with someone so flaky and cruel, than for them to be exposed on an irresponsible and casual basis to someone who doesn't actually care about them one iota, who'll keep raising their hopes and then dashing them again. What do you think that'll do to their self confidence ? There is no point whatsoever in allowing this cycle to continue for appearance's sake or so you can kid yourself that DS's father wants to be there for him - because he patently doesn't. Your kids need to feel secure, and this so-called father won't give them that. Being a biological father does not make him a father IYSWIM.

MrsWembley Thu 20-Nov-14 09:54:13

How old is your other DC?

KnockedUpYetAgain Thu 20-Nov-14 10:03:58

Older Dc and 11 and 9, theyve been kept out of most of it. Luckily they they have a wonderful father. Their dad, my xdh and I get on great, really well as friends and it baffles me why xdp and I cannot be the same, split and get on for our sons sake. But I know from reading this board a lot that its not unusual!
My self esteem is absolutley shot. I dont want to sound egotistical but I have my own home, good job, couple of degrees and I know I am attractive, get a lot of male attention.
Hes overweight, lives with his parents, yet I judge myself based on what he thinks of me and how he treats me confused

Only1scoop Thu 20-Nov-14 10:10:04

Maybe some counselling would help....with the self esteem issues??

So will dc be your 4th did you say he has double the amount of dc you have or have I misread?

catsmother Thu 20-Nov-14 10:12:26

It's great you have your own home, a good job, good quals and a decent relationship with your older kids' dad. Really, that's a lot more than many women have and it demonstrates that you have a lot to be proud of. However, for some reason, this "man" has somehow got into your head making it all the more imperative you get counselling for yourself to work out why you're so in thrall to him (God knows why, he sounds revolting, which you know) so you can work at breaking that dependency.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Thu 20-Nov-14 10:13:21

Im confused. You and Dickhead have one child together and one on the way? Or is it just the one on the way that is his?

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