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My 60 year old Mother is acting like a teenager!(20 Posts)
I love my DM but I want to throttle her.
My DF died just over two years ago unexpectedly from cancer.
Mum started online dating about 9 months ago. She is very codependent and admits this. She moved in with my dad (technically step DF) after two weeks.
Anyway she has met this man online and they have been chatting for five weeks and met once. We have not met him.
Today I find out that he is moving in with her
They have met once. He could be an down right weirdo serial killing cocklodger for all I know. She says she is happy but really? After one meeting? After three months here they are legally recognised as de facto and can take 1/2 of all possessions if they split. DM says they are having legal documents drawn up but still.....
I know DM is an adult and can make her own decisions but she really needs to sort out her life first. Find friends, join groups, etc not move in with the first bloke she meets.
Honestly I feel this is going to go very badly.
So do I just smile and get ready to pick up the pieces?
Yes, she's an adult. If you've expressed your concerns and she's alert enough to the risks to draw up legal contracts to protect her possessions then you have to give her the benefit of the doubt, make sure she really is protected, and wish her well. She's showing some self-awareness if she recognises she feels lost without a bloke... that's probably a good sign. Suggest you invite the pair of them round for supper a.s.a.p. Let this man know that people care about your DM and have their eye on him.
'There's no fool like an old fool...'
Yep, smile away
My dad was reckless after he and mum split but it worked out well in the end.
For mum and dad, they were in a 23 year marriage, together for over 25 years and both had a lot of catching up and learning to do.
She's silly to let him move in, but if he's a bad 'un, she'll find out soon enough.
ohhh i don't know, it worked out ok for her last time.
(David Niven met and married both of his wives within 10 days and was apparently blissfully happy in both. The first wife having died accidentally))
Um, not so much with David Niven's second wife if you read what his friends have to say. Especially when he was ill.
I'm the same age as your mum (old fool???) and I do think her behaviour is foolhardy. I don't know if there's any way you can check that the legalities have been put in place to protect her? Fine, start dating (you have to start somewhere), even say you're 'in love'. But moving in and potentially losing a lot. Well, she's being very, very silly.
Any other friends or family she might listen to?
Crikey! I'd be worried. We're not talking normal probabilities of this man being a freeloader, or a serial killer, or just a bit of a weirdo... What's his housing situation that he's in a position to move in with someone at short notice, and how can he afford that risk? And what's the rush? Why would a grown-up want to skip the fun, leisurely, getting-to-know-you bit? without wishing to cast aspersions on your mother's character, my weirdo alert definitely goes off hearing about people who'd choose to move in with a virtual stranger. At the very best interpretation, I'd say your mother's codependency makes her vulnerable, maybe even fragile, and either her boyfriend is rather similar, or he's ready to take advantage of her vulnerability. Neither sounds great.
I'd say you need to support her with setting up legal protection. If you have access to legal advice through insurance or a trades union, now's the time to use it, and find out what documents need to be drawn up. And from the personal point of view, keep them both close right now, and enlist the help of friends and family to do the same.
cognito there is also no fool like a ' Young Fool' either. Having listened today to a tale of woe from a Mum who tried to protect her 17 year old from a sexual predator loser. The relationship, (if you can call it that ) has now resulted in an unwanted pregnancy, and guess what, the young Loser/Father has cleared off. Leaving my friend to help her DD get through this.
I am afraid Post that there is nothing you can do as your DM is an adult.
Just imagine that the boot was on the other foot and she was trying to give you advice, would you respond by saying, ' Yes Mum you are quite right, I will give him up immediately? Wouldn't you be indignant?
I think there would be absolutely no chance of you taking your DMs advice.
So just accept what she is doing and be there to pick up the pieces. That's what Parents have to do all the time.
I am sorry for you because I think she is behaving foolishly but it might turn out to be fine or not.
The important thing is for you to be there for her when it goes pear shape. I hope if it does go belly up that you can resist sounding too smug. Best of Luck.
Apparently he owns his own house and will rent it out.
She won't listen to me so I might see if I can a friend of hers yo say something.
Can you google him and see what you can find out?
I don't even know his name.
I know he is a truck driver. That's it.
I want to slap my mum silly.
This comes across as a bit patronising tbh. She's only 60!
She's an adult. If she has to learn some lessons she has plenty of time to learn them. Or she may want to make hay. Her choice.
So it's patronising to be concerned about my mother moving in with a man she has met only twice?
It's not wrong to be concerned. With these things, I tend to think you get one or two opportunities only to express your concerns (in a loving way, naturally) but that it becomes counterproductive to keep making the same point. Asking friends to talk to her is clutching at straws.
My DM always says 'you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar' so I'll repeat the suggestion to get to know this man better, see what he's about and judge his motives for yourself.
Would you do/feel the same about a sister? I'm sure you would, up to a point. Would you be hovering over a sister in quite the same way?
My nan did exactly the same thing. Got into internet dating after she was widowed, 'met' a man, they wrote for a few weeks, spent one weekend together and bang, they were in love. She sold her house and got rid of all her stuff and moved to the other end of the country to be with him.
Everyone thought it was adorable and no one told her different because she was 'old enough to know her own mind'.
Six years later and she is stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who is so obnoxious that even his own sons refuse to look after him for more than one night. He shouts at her, belittles her, tries to stop her seeing her own family (ie us) tries to make it impossible for her to leave the house and on the rare occasions she is allowed out, phones her almost constantly. He is a nightmare and we all wish very hard that she would leave him.
I think you have every right to be as concerned a you are. The way to deal with it though is not by seathing to her face but act pleased for her and then she will hear your advice. Atm. She isn't hearing you because she probably thinks you are being deliberately obstructive
"no one told her different because she was 'old enough to know her own mind'. "
Whilst I have a lot of sympathy for your Nan, you don't have to read very long on this board to see titles such as 'how can I help my friend/sister/workmate/nephew.... who is in an abusive relationship?' People get into abusive relationships through all sorts of routes. It's not their fault and it's not because others didn't point out their dearly beloved is a right royal shit either. Abusive people see someone desperate for love, willing to believe, and they target them like a lion targets a limping antelope. Anyone saying 'hang on a minute are you sure you're doing the right thing?' is regarded as a killjoy. Once they're in the middle of the abuse, they're often too frightened to break out or they think those same people will not be interested in helping.
We're racing ahead a little. The OP's DM is taking a big risk, obviously, and the red flags are waving like it's May the 1st at the Putin's, but there's nothing to suggest this man is abusive yet. That's why the OP has to get in the middle of it and stay mates with DM where she can still be of influence rather than refuse to engage
People get into abusive relationships through all sorts of routes. It's not their fault and it's not because others didn't point out their dearly beloved is a right royal shit either...Anyone saying 'hang on a minute are you sure you're doing the right thing?' is regarded as a killjoy. Once they're in the middle of the abuse, they're often too frightened to break out or they think those same people will not be interested in helping
Cogito, you are bang on as always. The best thing is to express your concerns, but stay close to the person in case they actually are making a mistake. I guess I was pointing out that just because someone is older doesn't mean that they are less vulnerable than someone younger.
If my sister. Aunt, neighbour, colleague, postman moved in with someone after two dates I would voice my concerns.
I'm not worried about abuse more that she will be screwed out of everything she has which is not much but its all she has.
I haven't been rude or anything I have just asked her if she is sure and that she knows she has codependency issues and that this is a very hasty move.
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