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It never feels good to dump someone, does it.

(31 Posts)
vintagecrap Thu 20-Nov-14 08:03:09

Short relationship of only 4 months. Came unravelled quite quickly as he was very much putting on a front of who he was and it became clear he had problems with booze, erectile disfunction, sleeping anywhere near someone else and a whole host of social issues.

No choice but to end things really. But it's crap isn't it. Not just the having to hurt someone, but to end up back at square one again when you had so much hope and excitement.

sejt Thu 20-Nov-14 08:05:51

No... be glad u have a high bar

Walkacrossthesand Thu 20-Nov-14 08:23:02

Was this Mr 'wanks twice a day but can't get it up for you and won't take Viagra', OP? Well done for giving him the old heave-ho - truly, I wouldn't waste any tears on his unhappiness at being dumped, he needs to work on himself and how to be a decent partner.
I'm going to sound like a curmudgeonly old curmudgeon here - but I think it's best to allow just as much 'hope and excitement' as seems in keeping with what you are seeing/receiving, rather than letting it run away with you, leading to great disappointment when the reality falls short of the dream. Hope you feel better soon.

vintagecrap Thu 20-Nov-14 08:28:31

Yeah. Him

Thing is he wasn't like that to start with. He was like a very different person and it slowly came out.

I did say that to him and he said that's because he had been trying to impress me and now didn't need to. I said it's only 4 months in we should be at the ripping each others clothes off and trying to see each other as much as we can stage. Not at the avoiding each other because he would rather play a game and sleeping in separate beds stage.

I'm not upset. Just deflated. It's so much harder that I could have ever thought, trying to find a good match.

HellonHeels Thu 20-Nov-14 08:30:16

Is this that horrid guy who gave you such an awful time when he was drunk at his dad's house OP?

If it is, he was revealed then as an unpleasant character. You should be pleased you've had the strength to end the relationship. thanks

HellonHeels Thu 20-Nov-14 08:33:52

I've no advice on meeting anyone or forming decent relationships because I've fairly recently ended my marriage after several miserable years but I will say I am enjoying the breathing space. Can you enjoy being single? I like having the absolute freedom to do what I want without having to answer to anyone and not having to put up with someone else's less appealing habits or behaviours.

vintagecrap Thu 20-Nov-14 08:35:50

I had been single for 6 years previously.
I've had lots of enjoyment in that time.

HellonHeels Thu 20-Nov-14 08:41:05

Sorry Vintage didn't know your background. It's great being in a relationship when it's the right one. It's good you ended this last one, you've made space for a good one. I understand that it feels deflating though.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 20-Nov-14 08:41:19

On the contrary - if you are getting rid of a complete twat then it feels very good indeed.

If you are the same person as intimated above, and you are really concerned more about his feelings on getting dumped than your own of escaping this abusive situation then you really should not be looking for a partner but for a shred of self esteem as you desperately need it.

vintagecrap Thu 20-Nov-14 08:44:23

I'm not concerned more about his feelings.

It just doesn't feel very nice. That's all.

Do sod off with the self esteem thing. It's fine thank you very much.

wakeywakeyteaandcakey Thu 20-Nov-14 08:47:20

Hi vintage, it's horrible isn't it. And you always end up feeling guilty even though you've done nothing wrong! Can you start dating again maybe online?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 08:50:02

I'm with FBR. I've felt quite good about dumping some people down the years. smile Especially when it's been a short-term thing, I haven't felt anything much for them and they've got well and truly on my nerves. Taking the initiative certainly feels better than being dumped and is 10x better than that truly horrible realisation that you have wasted a big chunk of your time on someone who was never worth it in the first place.

sonjadog Thu 20-Nov-14 08:53:32

It is crap. No matter how right you know the decision is, it is crap. I think the worst bit is giving up the dreams of what could have been. I think for me they have often been much harder to give up than the man himself.

Joysmum Thu 20-Nov-14 08:55:28

Of course it doesn't for those with compassion dumping those who aren't wholly bad.

sonjadog Thu 20-Nov-14 08:57:13

Cognito is right, of course. I'm just a bit more of a dreamer. The feeling bad about it should wear off a short while after the dumping.

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt Thu 20-Nov-14 08:57:30

I posted on your last thread and can completely understand why you've finished things.
You don't owe him happiness at the expense of yours, and that's what it would have been. Please bear that in mind and be kind to yourself. Now you're both free to find a better match.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 20-Nov-14 08:57:34

Vintage if it's any consolation, I know whatyou mean. It's not so much that you feel crap about letting them go but about letting go on what you hoped they would be.

I would say you sound like your self-esteen is just fine. You dated a nice guy. He turned into a twat. You recognised that sharpish and dumped his arse. Well done.

Good luck going forward - allow yourself a wistful sigh and a glass of wine or two today then it's onwards and upwards eh? thanks

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 09:00:35

I remember giving one guy the 'it's not you, it's me' speech. He tried hard and he wasn't unpleasant but it wasn't working for me after just a few weeks. Think he had 'dreams' so I got the full hang-dog performance and pleas to reconsider and I felt I had to at least appear sad to avoid looking like a heartless cow .... but the relief when I shut the door behind him was marvellous. smile

Sickoffrozen Thu 20-Nov-14 09:05:57

I think it gets harder the older you are as for me there are not as many decent fellas out there and the though of wading through the dross to find someone half decent is daunting.

If I ever split up again, I don't think I would bother again.

sejt Thu 20-Nov-14 11:01:22

For me it has got easier! I no longer feel obliged to give people endless chances and i dont feel responsible for their happiness. Im 44. Would have agonised over dumping people in my 20's & 30s

vintagecrap Thu 20-Nov-14 12:13:43

I don't feel obliged to give people endless chances and I know it was the right thing to do.
It is still a bit crap.
And there is endless dross out there, but still that is better than staying with someone who isn't a great match..

brokenhearted55a Thu 20-Nov-14 12:59:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 20-Nov-14 16:24:33

Are you OK brokenhearted?

LaQueenIsKickingThroughLeaves Thu 20-Nov-14 16:37:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carlsonrichards Thu 20-Nov-14 16:43:38

It feels just fine and a relief when they're a dickhead. It's not crap, it's liberating. I agree with Cognito.

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