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Is he BU or am I?

(25 Posts)
jugglingmonkey Wed 19-Nov-14 22:27:10

Hello,

Posted here once or twice but NC as this might out me!

DH recently went away for four nights on a jolly with his mates. It's an annual trip, it doesn't normally bother me. They go abroad, drink, smoke, stay out late etc.

This year I found his absence much harder to bear. We have an 11 month old DS, and it was an exhausting and lonely few days. On his return I couldn't help but feel miffed with him. I explained, he understood (but will continue to take this trip - rightly so). I grumped for a day or two, but it was fine, I got over it.

Fast forward a week. I told him how much I was looking forward to a quiet weekend, just us and DS. He knew this. We'd made plans to do nothing much (but had plans to go out for lunch/a walk by the river etc).

He gets a call Saturday morning. A work colleague with a spare corporate ticket to the rugby. He guilted me into agreeing to let him go. He said he knew it was unfair. I told him it would upset me, but he went anyway. He said he'd sulk too if I made it a big deal. No one was ever going to come off happy, so I gave in.

As I see it, he should have just said no. That he'd made plans and having been away the week before he ought to be at home. He was out at this rugby game all day (11am - 8pm).

It's caused a big rift. I'm gutted he chose rugby over us. Normally I wouldn't care, but I felt he was taking the piss. He doesn't see the issue. Shall I kick up a bigger stink? I'm not prepared to have my feelings so ignored. Equally, I'm not sure I can stomach ANOTHER fight hmm

JeanSeberg Wed 19-Nov-14 22:30:16

How much time do you get with friends and family to follow your interests?

jugglingmonkey Wed 19-Nov-14 22:32:48

A reasonable amount, but not as much as him.

It's an argument we have often. Far too often. I think he's selfish. He calls it absent mindedness. He makes his own plans with zero regard for me or the implication it may have on me.

grumpyoldgitagain Wed 19-Nov-14 22:33:49

He was taking the piss a bit, in his position my DW would have taken the corporate invite for a day out, I would have grumped at her and she would have apologised sunday morning after the hangover subsided and made a point of us doing something together with the kids for the rest of the day

SweetsForMySweet Wed 19-Nov-14 22:36:26

How would he feel if you were to go away on a break for 4 days and leave him home minding your dc. I think hibu and a selfish twat. He is manipulating you by threatening to sulk if he doesn't get his own way.

crazyhead Wed 19-Nov-14 22:37:59

Book yourself a four day spa trip with a gf, then follow up the week after that with a day out shopping or whatever you fancy. Just do it, seriously, and leave him with the kid for all of it. Don't bother arguing - he needs to have that time doing all of the childcare before that discussion. It's boring being pushed into the position of being the nag, don't do it.

nozzz Wed 19-Nov-14 22:38:54

Is rugby or this rugby match significant to the Oh?

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Wed 19-Nov-14 22:41:08

He said he'd sulk too if I made it a big deal. No one was ever going to come off happy, so I gave in.

Someone had to be unhappy. So you decided it should be you. He told you he would use toddler tactics and you rolled over. Are you always that easy to manipulate? Does he always behave like a toddler when he might not get his way?

I'm not prepared to have my feelings so ignored.
Your feelings weren't ignored. See above. You both decided that his feelings were more important than yours.

Shall I kick up a bigger stink? Equally, I'm not sure I can stomach ANOTHER fight
It is too late to have a fight. He offered a deal: he stays at home and sulks or he goes out and doesn't. You chose him going out. Your fight is with yourself for choosing the wrong option.

Have a word with yourself. Next time he behaves like a toddler, treat him like one. Never ever ever cave to a sulk or a tantrum. Always do the exact opposite of what the sulker wants. Short term pain, long term gain.

In your situation, I would have used to the rugby ticket myself. He could stay home and manage the children. It wouldn't matter whether I enjoyed the rugby or not, there's a principle at stake.

DollyDreamboat Wed 19-Nov-14 22:41:12

Is it that you feel like you're having to do all the childcare, or you think he's choosing a social life over family time?

PurpleWithRed Wed 19-Nov-14 22:43:35

Him. But you both need to stop sulking, it just makes things worse.

Catsmamma Wed 19-Nov-14 22:56:05

he not showing himself to be a family man is he??

...only when it suits him, nice family day, walk and lunch, BUT WAIT....what's this a better offer

just fucking rude!

NerdyBird Wed 19-Nov-14 22:58:05

Hmm. My DP would probably want to take the ticket. He'd probably ask first, and wouldn't threaten to sulk if I said no. But I know rugby is very important to him so I'd be unlikely to say no. I might suggest that I get to do something for me in return and he'd be ok with that.

I think all you can do right now is explain how you feel, and tell him that you and your baby need to be a priority for him.

jugglingmonkey Thu 20-Nov-14 00:35:39

Rugby not really a big deal to him no, but a free jolly/lunch/beer... That's a big deal to him.

jugglingmonkey Thu 20-Nov-14 00:37:58

My issues really being ditched for a better offer, just days after returning from his annual 'escape' in the sunshine.

It's not like he's young, he's much older than me, and he was the one desperately keen to have DS so soon after we married... He's not adjusting to being a family man well at all. It's gutting.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Nov-14 07:40:32

Whatever has gone before, sounds like you need to learn a lesson and be less of a soft touch. How can he 'guilt' you into this stuff, for example? What do you feel guilty about? If he makes arrangements without thinking, you hand him the phone and tell him to unmake them. No arguments required...

MelanieCheeks Thu 20-Nov-14 07:47:35

The guilting and sulking sounds a bit childish - why can't you have adult discussions and negotiations? If he really wants to do the rugby day, then what do you get in return? Can a nice family day be scheduled in and set in stone?

Joysmum Thu 20-Nov-14 08:01:22

I think if it happened now, it wouldn't bother me. If it happened when our relationship was going through a bad patch and we weren't strong then it would have done.

I personally don't see the trip away or day out as an issue in a strong relationship. The day out still gave you most of the morning together and left a whole day together the next so he wasn't choosing rugby over you.

I certainly don't agree with days of being grumpy for an annual trip you said you don't have a problem with. You say YOU got over it but have you apologised as you were in the wrong for this. No matter how difficult you found it, you were 'guilting' him for it and it's not fair.

I can understand you're upset but I think you need to think about what you both can do to improve things and get a plan in action rather than seething in anger.

GnomeDePlume Thu 20-Nov-14 08:03:14

Reading between the lines it seems to me that the problem is that you feel you shouldnt have to explain all of this to him.

He is a grown up (allegedly). He has responsibilities as husband and father. Yet as soon as someone offers him a fun day out all of this is dropped and off he trots with his tongue hanging out for a free drink.

Explain it to him once and make it clear to him this is a one-time explanation. He is a husband, he is a father. This means he has responsibilities to you and your DS. He cant just slough these off when someone wags a free ticket under his nose.

Whocansay Thu 20-Nov-14 08:25:48

Sorry, I think you're being a bit unreasonable here. You agreed to the holiday and regretted it afterwards. You realise it bothers you now, where it didn't before you had children, which is entirely reasonable. You need to discuss this with him before he assumes he's going next year.

The rugby thing - I assume you're talking about the England / SA game? It is a bit of a deal for people who like it, (and expensive!). You agreed that he could go, as it was a freebie. It was a one off. I don't understand why you're now throwing it back in his face. If you had a problem you should have discussed it properly, not be all passive/ aggressive about it and sulking.

Discuss having some time doing your own thing. You sound as if you need a break. But really, you need to be able to communicate your feelings properly, rather than saying nothing and blaming him for not doing what you want.

TheHermitCrab Thu 20-Nov-14 08:37:01

I dunno with this one, I guess it depends on how much time you usually spend together, how often you do things together and whether he is happy if you were to go out and do the same.

For instance me and my partner love a certain football team, my company have season tickets and sometimes staff get to go, whenever I get a ticket I take my OH so we can enjoy the game together.

This year due to budget we've had no games, no sports channels, so we either have radio or watch it in the local pub. A few weeks ago we decided we'd make a day of it and go into the city and watch it in a better atmosphere, a few days before a family friend offered him a seat in a VIP box, he snapped it up (of course) I was miffed and jealous (of course) but he went, was "sad I couldn't go...etc" So we re arranged for the next weekend match, that comes along and his friend offers him his partner's season ticket as she is ill and can't go, so off he trots again! two weeks in a row I was ditched haha, he knew I was sad, because weekends are our only time together (I work long hours and I'm pregnant and tired) but we both agreed he'd be daft not to turn it down, when even though we had plans they didn't cost anything or change anything if not done.

Is it not just unfortunate that both his opportunities to do something came up so close together? You could have just re arranged the walk and things...

(I'm basing it on the fact that you usually are fine together, and do things together and separate equally)

Phalenopsis Thu 20-Nov-14 08:40:23

From what you've told us so far OP, I'm not sure there's a right answer here because it depends on the levels of companionship that individuals want in their relationships. In that sense we're all different. I love being on my own with the children. I don't mind if my husband goes away on his own. We're married not joined at the hip. HOWEVER, I realise that some people want more time with their partner especially when the children are young. My husband also enjoys being alone with the children so everyone's a winner in that sense.

I think you need to talk to him at length about this and impress upon him the need for compromise. He's married now with a child so lots of jollies away are out and you need to have time to yourself so there needs to be give and take on both sides. You need to sort this out otherwise this is going to grow into a monster.

One thing which does bother me slightly (and I appreciate I might be being ageist here) is that he is an older man - is he set in his ways?

DollyDreamboat Thu 20-Nov-14 12:44:52

The thing is, you agreed to the holiday and then sulked when he came back. That would REALLY piss me off.

VanitasVanitatum Thu 20-Nov-14 12:49:48

Time for him to have a weekend with ds to himself, while you go away with friends/to your parents etc. he needs to know how that feels.

Does he regret ds?

Sickoffrozen Thu 20-Nov-14 13:12:24

I wouldn't make a big deal over this unless it was happening every week and I wasn't getting opportunities to have a break. The rugby freebie does sound like a good day out and at little or no cost so can see why he might want to go.

In my world, if that had happened, I would have been arranging something for the day after with friends or alone but he would have been watching the little one while I was out that would be a certainty!

We both do trip abroad, I had a blast this year in Spain for 4 nights with the girls and he went away with the lads. We do this most years.

Windywinston Thu 20-Nov-14 13:53:10

Everyone has a right to a social life, but when it's disproportionate to your partner you need to do something about it.

My DH and I used to have a very active social life together before DCs, when DD1 came along he carried on doing as he pleased most weekends and I was left holding the baby, and he never made an effort for me and him to have time off together.

Our relationship reached breaking point and honestly, it could have gone either way. I asked him where he saw himself in 10 years and he said he'd still be going out every other weekend plus special occasions (mates' birthdays, stag weekends, their twice yearly lads weekends etc). I told him I had no intention of being the wife that did family time alone waiting for whatever scraps of time he threw our way and I wasn't going to be the parent that packed my kids off to a baby sitter every weekend so we could both do as we pleased.

We reached a compromise that he would cut down his going out, we would both make an effort to arrange date nights and we would prioritise family time.

Things could not be better now, he is happier, once he engaged in family time he saw that it was fun and not a chore, if he goes out it's far more likely to be with me rather than friends and he is hugely apologetic for the way he behaved initially. I'm not making excuses for him, he was a shite husband and father at the time, but I think it just took him longer to adjust to being a parent. I no longer begrudge him time with his friends because it no longer adversely affects our relationship and he certainly doesn't begrudge me time with my friends.

These issues can be fixed, but only with honest discussions and effort on both sides, he has to want it. Sometimes I'm sad that I had to point out where I saw our future going for change to happen, but I try not to dwell on the past and look to our future, which now looks pretty rosy.

So my point is, I'm sure your DH isn't a hopeless case, he just needs to work on his priorities, so that you can both enjoy time together and respect each other's need for time apart.

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