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Just realised where my problem with sex stems from. What now?(13 Posts)
Please be gentle with me. I'm more of a lurker than a poster...
Not sure where to start really... I recently married the absolute man of my dreams. He really is the most wonderful man and I can't imagine my life without him, but I've been keeping a secret: I haven't had an orgasm from him or any other sexual partner for more than a decade. Over the years, I've put this down to not feeling relaxed with various partners, but I absolutely adore my husband and feel completely and utterly at ease with him - he's my best friend and I really do love him to bits, which is why I can't really ignore this anymore.
The Ched Evans debate has made me think about the impact of sex crimes on their victims and I've suddenly realised that the last time I was able to climax through sex was with my first ever boyfriend before I was sexually assaulted. It's only just dawned on me that it hasn't been about how much I loved/didn't love the blokes I've been shagging - or how good they have been in bed - it's about me not liking anyone touching my tits or my bits because somewhere at the back of my mind, I make the link to those random dickheads grabbing them in the street.
I love my husband so much and we're TTC at the moment, so we're definitely getting plenty of action, which I do enjoy, but I still can't orgasm. There are 3 main things I'm trying to deal with:
1. I want to have an orgasm. I know I can orgasm using a vibrator, so there's nothing physically preventing it. I also really enjoy the sex we have. I have tried doing different things, different positions, more foreplay, less foreplay, thinking about it, not thinking about it, etc, etc. Sex isn't boring when it happens, but if I'm completely honest, I'm not especially bothered whether it happens or not - probably because regardless of how good it is, I know I'll be wondering what the hell is wrong with me when yet again I don't quite get 'there'.
2. DH is non the wiser. Although I don't 'fake' it - in the sense that I don't pretend to have an orgasm - I do enjoy sex, so DH doesn't know any different. Whenever he's ever outright asked "did you come?" I have said "not quite/almost", but he asked that more in the early days and because I am often 99% of the way there, just never quite 100% - he doesn't know any different. I still have "climbing the walls" moments, just without the finale iyswim.
3. The sexual assault thing is really bothering me. It's bothering me that I'm still affected all these years later. It's bothering me that I've only just made the connection between this and my fucking sexual problems. And it's bothering me that I can't talk to my own husband about it. I've only just realised how much it's affecting me all these years later, so how can I tell my DH that I haven't been honest with him about this in the time we've been together? I think he'd be just as upset that I hadn't felt able to talk to him as he would about the orgasm problem itself - even though I've only just realised myself that this incident is such an issue for me?
DH does know about the assault - I was also punched in the head when I defended myself and treated for my injuries, so I've told him it was pretty traumatic at the time. I'd always felt like the physical attack - being punched - had had a greater impact than the sexual element, but now I'm not so sure.
I just don't know where to go from here...
It sounds like you have a lot of questions, and a lot of thoughts to work through. Counselling is designed to help you with that.
Definitely consider counselling. Safe space to go through all your thoughts and questions.
I'm so sorry you were sexually assaulted. It must have been extremely traumatic. Have you had any counselling?
You say you regularly orgasm using a vibrator. Is that just when you're alone or do you use a vibrator when you're having sex with your husband? Clitoral stimulation is the way forward for women, orgasmically speaking.
Thanks for the replies. Never had counselling as I didn't want it. My greatest emotion at the time was anger and I think I've tried to forget about it because admitting how much they'd affected me would be like giving them what they wanted, if that makes sense? Ignoring these bastards and getting on with my life seemed like the obvious thing to do and it's only now I'm seeing that there's one aspect of my life I haven't been able to get on with...
I haven't used a vibrator since I've been with DH. I know he'd be open to the idea and he's suggested it before now, but I'm worried that if he sees what happens with a vibrator, he'll know it hasn't happened through sex.
If you've said "almost/not quite" he may well know that you haven't come, or if you have that you can come "more/better" than what happens in bed.
Does he know about the assault?
Talk to him.
It does make sense but you need to "process" what happened to be able to properly move on. Even something as simple as having a counsellor tell me that my reactions and coping mechanisms were very normal was massively helpful and took power back. Why not give it a try. There are even telephone services if you don't want to see someone face to face. If you don't like or it turns out that you don't feel ready then you stop until you are. You're in control.
Does your dh know what happened?
Counselling for yourself and maybe for you and your partner together. It sounds like you need to talk about what happened in order to properly put it behind you. And it's important to be able to talk to your partner about your feelings about sex without feeling guilty, ashamed or embarrassed. I recommend Relate if there's one near you, they offer sex therapy and they are very good.
Talk to your husband, let him know the situation. It sounds like you've wanted to bottle up the sexual side of your assault for years so perhaps even just telling him about it may be a good start on getting past this. If he's as nice as you say he'll understand and try and help in any way he can.
BabyLove, I have a similar problem except I'm the husband.
Wife almost never comes during sex although she says she gets 99% there.
She says she is too uptight, can't relax enough, can't let go.
Of course I worried I wasn't good enough but was happy to try anything that might work.
We did buy a vibrator and she can come with this by herself.
So we often use this during sex or after I've come to finish her off.
We are both happy with this, although it would be nice not to need it.
Depending on your husbands ego he might be happy for this too.
Vibrator, as part of what we do together. is the way to go.
Ive heard about this being a blow to his ego, but fortunately not had that reaction from DH. Simple, basic anatomy would seem to indicate....
He does know about the assault, but doesn't know about its impact (I've only just worked that out for myself really). I suppose I've actually played it down myself when I've talked about it in the past - I tend to gloss over how the sexual bit made me feel and focus on the violence. Not sure why. DH was the victim of an attack (physical, not sexual) before I met him, so we've talked about that and I know he understands what it feels like to be the victim. I just wish I'd made this link between the sexual element of the assault and my 'issue' before we got together so I could've been open from the start. Feels like I've been keeping a massive secret from him all this time even though I've only just become aware of a huge part of that secret myself.
I don't want to suggest counselling for both of us at the moment as he has a lot to deal with (family bereavement on his side/stressed with work, which gets worse in the run up to Christmas) so I really need to think about the timing/how I bring it up with him. Now is not the time to say "yes, yes, it's really sad when someone dies... I know you're knackered again tonight after another hectic day in the office... but please sit down while I talk to you about why I'm unable to climax during sex..."
The only reason this has come up now is because of the recent media coverage. Part of me feels like I should be thankful that the assault wasn't more serious and that I am married to a wonderful man. Why the hell am I moaning about something like this when other people have so much more on their plate?
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