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My DP is dissapointed in me....

(17 Posts)
ConfusedFromLondon Wed 19-Nov-14 19:05:27

We have been together many years and have a child who is now 1 year old. Since having baby I've been incredibly tired and sleep deprived as she hasn't been the best sleeper and also is an early riser. To be honest I don't really get any real support other than from DP.
On particularly tiring days I sometimes apparently lambast him a bit. I don't really know I do it and he never says at time just at the end of a day when perhaps he's been upset by it. It's come up time and time again. He says It upsets him that I talk to someone I love in that way and that I disrespect him. Now honestly I don't think im horrible but I feel horrible for making him feel that way. I don't know if he's overly sensitive or I am being horrible. I am a bit bossy etc but in a way that no one has evet taken serious and that I blamed on being a Leo (star sign).
Anyway, an example: this morning he was supposed to ring his boss to let him know he was ill and not coming In today, it was getting late as he is supposed to call by 7.30 and it was now 8.20 and just before He was dialling he started to tell me a story about who his boss reminded him of. So I was like in lambasting way 'just ring your boss will you!' Not nastily or evil but like come on its late already!
He apparently has been upset by this.
I don't know how to change as I try to be less bossy etc but it's the sleep thing and I don't think he can ever fully appreciate how that affects my mood

GoatsDoRoam Wed 19-Nov-14 19:17:22

It's hard to say. The example you give does not sound too bad. Although in this case, it's his job, his responsibility. You could have just let him get on with it his own way, and suffer the consequences himself.

Do you have other examples? Does he let you down with things to do with shared responsibility, like DD? And how do you react then?

Fairenuff Wed 19-Nov-14 19:17:58

That doesn't sound like you being bossy, it sounds like him being irresponsible. Are there any other examples?

MrsHathaway Wed 19-Nov-14 19:19:24

Does it feel like you have two children?

Does he always make things your fault?

ConfusedFromLondon Wed 19-Nov-14 19:25:37

It's so hard to say as I'm confused if I'm honest. Maybe I can be moody about stuff or snappy and I ask for examples and he can't really give them just says it's the tone I use. Sometimes it feels like that mrshathaway but maybe it is my fault?

ConfusedFromLondon Wed 19-Nov-14 19:26:16

He said for 2 days I been like it but only gave me that one example this morning

Fairenuff Wed 19-Nov-14 19:28:53

I think you should ask him to point out at the time when he thinks you're doing it so that you can see if there really is something, or whether he's making it up.

GoatsDoRoam Wed 19-Nov-14 19:35:38

I think you are confused because your instincts know that your behaviour is ok, but he is telling you it is not and your head is trying to agree with him. Because if something is "your fault" then you can fix it.

Maybe you can't fix it. Maybe it's him.

magoria Wed 19-Nov-14 19:41:24

Well he is an adult. Next time he is supposed to do something, as long as it doesn't impact you or DC, then let him get on with it his way and take the consequences.

If he complains you don't remind him, point out this as an example of how he dislikes you reminding him.

He doesn't seem to have much respect for his boss. Does this attitude extend to you?

Nanny0gg Wed 19-Nov-14 19:50:43

He sounds just a teeny bit precious tbh.

And I would have a huge problem with a partner telling me he was disappointed in me. Who does he think he is?

Pastmyduedate0208 Wed 19-Nov-14 20:15:28

I suspect u r both sleep deprived, and feeling sensitive.
You both sound like decent good people, so no reason why u can't sort it out.
He feels like you boss him around, but you feel like he is not "on the ball" enough (sort of).

holeinmyheart Wed 19-Nov-14 20:16:23

You have acknowledged that your behaviour is sometimes bossy towards him and are asking for ideas in order to change.
First of all, it is good that you recognise that you feel sometimes in a mean mood. Secondly it is recognising that it is not your DHS fault ( presuming that you both wanted the baby)
What you are BOTH going through is one of the hardest times of your life. Looking after a young baby and having a new baby would make any one feel resentful. Your old life is long gone.
You say he supports you which is good.
A course in Mindfulness would defiantly help you to control your flare ups of bossiness etc.
When you feel the urge to verbally slap him around the chops because you feel pre-menstrual/ tired grumpy, take a deep breath, close your eyes and say to your self ' I am breathing in, I am breathing out. Do it for three minutes in a quiet place. It is a three minute meditation.
Examine why you are both like you are, at the moment. You and he are in deeply stressful country !

Relax, this horrible nightmare NO sleep bit will pass.

SavoyCabbage Wed 19-Nov-14 20:26:26

I think the example you gave was fair enough. He really needed to crack on.

I'm quite bossy and my test for myself is 'would I talk to someone else like that?' Not every moment if every day as I'm not saying you should be on your best behaviour all the time, but generally.

It came about when we were at a bonfire night and a neighbour sort of grabbed my dh's arm and started berating him, thinking he was her own dh and it got me thinking.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Nov-14 20:28:38

I'd support Magoria's suggestion of counting to ten and resisting the temptation to chip in when it's something that he's responsible for. Unless there's imminent danger of course... smile I'd also suggest you both make a conscious effort to show appreciation and thanks for each other's contribution to daily life. You get a lot more out of people if you acknowledge their strengths rather than keep picking up on their weaknesses.

Goes without saying that, if you've got a baby that doesn't sleep well, everyone should be sharing the burden...

RiverTam Wed 19-Nov-14 20:36:47

DH has said this about me blush, and he is Mr Supportive! But it does upset him when I get a bit shrill and snappy with him - he would never talk to me like that, or be so quick to become impatient.

You're both sleep deprived, he's unwell, you have a young baby. Give both of yourselves a break. Try to see your behaviour from his point of view, but equally make sure he understands how tired you are. Is he helping out with nights? - he should be.

MajesticWhine Wed 19-Nov-14 20:51:22

Having young children and being sleep deprived puts a big strain on any relationship. Be kind to each other, and kind to yourself. You haven't done much wrong, but take the feedback - be there to listen to him not criticise him. But it's also ok to ask him for support. I am wondering if you are not getting enough support from him, you're exhausted and your resentment is coming out with this apparent bossiness.

ConfusedFromLondon Wed 19-Nov-14 21:02:06

I do wake up every morning and see to her through the night. He works so on the weekend I get one morning where he wakes with her and I can have an extra hour. I think all night duty has been down to me as in the beginning I bf and couldn't manage to express so I was doing feeds then it just became the norm and now she only wants me when she wakes in night and her sleep has gotten worse as she's got older. I really do try to be more patient and understanding of his feelings yet I still upset him. Makes me feel really shitty like I'm horrible.

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