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Being heard: Sure's journey (thread 3)

(926 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

surereadyforchange Wed 19-Nov-14 14:46:51

previous (2nd) thread

What to say? Abusive rapist ex reported, Police Statement given over a month ago and he is still blissfully unaware, still messaging, and nothing has happened.

ptumbi Wed 19-Nov-14 14:52:36

It will happen in this thread , I can feel it!

(It bloody better!)

surereadyforchange Wed 19-Nov-14 14:54:25

I hope so!
Feeling really negative. sad

IPokeBadgers Wed 19-Nov-14 15:02:58

Understandable to feel negative and unheard as aresult of the lack of RL support from the police...but on the positive side, look at how far you have come in terms of disengaging from the abusive arse. Things will get better for you.

Lots of baby steps...keep taking lots of baby steps.

PlumpingUpPartridge Wed 19-Nov-14 15:05:43

Let's settle in - things always happen faster when you get comfortable.

<offers brew>

surereadyforchange Wed 19-Nov-14 15:21:38

I am trying to be positive, but I am just so angry. Probably PMT, but I am absolutely raging!
In my irrational mind, I cant see why I shouldn't go round there and scream at him!

surereadyforchange Wed 19-Nov-14 15:24:38

<takes deep breath> Thanks Partridge brew

educatingarti Wed 19-Nov-14 15:55:44

Relieve your feelings by fowwarding all recent messages from ex to your PO? Just include a line saying something like "Wanted you to know exactly what I'm still having to deal with."

TeenyfTroon Wed 19-Nov-14 18:18:21

I so agree with the advice to forward the actual messages if possible. Getting them in real time is the nearest the PO can get to understanding the onslaught you're facing.

Try and look at how far you've come instead of how far there is to go.

You're angry, and you've stopped minimising. That's amazing progress for you, and bugger him, he'll be making his own journey eventually.

Jinnyjim Wed 19-Nov-14 18:30:17

Sure, delurking to say you will be able to find information about complaining about the police on their local website under complaints.

Look at the IPCC website as well.

One of the incidents you have complained about was in a different area but what you are complaining about since then is happening in the area your PO works in. Remind them of that.

Good luck. I hope the above helps. Take care.

surereadyforchange Wed 19-Nov-14 18:32:01

When I picked DS up from school, he had a cut on his knuckle where someone had whacked him with a bat and one of the trio of boys had ripped the plaster off at afterschool club. He also had in his bag another accident form and he told me one of the trio had shoved him over and he banged his head on the "gravel floor" sad
I'm fuming. While I was knelt next to DS, looking at the accident form the little shit that ripped his plaster off ran over, yelled "hey!" and jabbed his finger into the form while i was trying to read it.. angry
In the car DS started crying saying he wants to move schools.
I'm not sure I can keep on with the stress of this police thing. No one cares anyway.
I am sick of carrying it around. DS needs me.

surereadyforchange Wed 19-Nov-14 18:35:18

They ready have hard copies of all the messages, downloaded off my phone and screenshots of all the FB messages.

PedantMarina Wed 19-Nov-14 22:09:26

Oh, hon, you've got shit coming at you from at least three different directions. It's easy to think it's coming from everywhere (or, even, just too many sources). So tackle things as best you can. Give the stress right back, to wherever you need to.

In the case of the "trio", complain to the school. A LOT. And get DS's school moved, asap. Just keep at the [council?], don't let up.

Oh, hell, you don't need us to say all this. Just didn't want to read and run.

And I agree that this fred is where it's all going to be sorted out! I can just feel it. You'll be fine.

PacificDogwood Wed 19-Nov-14 22:31:59

You are doing and you have done ALL you can.
You are doing/have done NOTHHING wrong.

'Tis all wrong that you have to chase things up, but just keeping putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out are victories.

Revenge/life well lived an'all that x.

Off to bed, I am weary tonight.

PedantMarina Wed 19-Nov-14 22:33:25

Also, I don't know if this helps, but a combined example of what DP is going through and (surprisingly) Jo Brand might help you put it into focus.

I'll do Jo Brand. She (and various other slebs) was doing a Choir thing with that Gareth guy for Children in Need, and it was airing over the weekend. We were only able to see this on a muted, close-caption-enabled television whilst we were with DS at a soft-play place the other day, so I might not have it correct, but Jo was at one point getting really concerned that she was getting worse, so called Gareth for an emergency coaching session in a pub - I got the impression she was thinking about quitting. We couldn't hear her singing, but we just knew what her problem was: her knowledge about what a good or bad musical note must have developed faster than her control of her voice. (Of course I could be wrong, but that doesn't invalidate the concept). And, of course, since her voice wasn't improving as fast as her ear, she was getting stressed about it, which made matters worse.

I'm going to put out the theory that something like that is happening to you. You're living in that limbo-land between developing the vocabulary and awareness of all the crap that's impacting on your life and having succeeded in getting that crap out of your life. And being aware of the disparity is of course getting you stressed. And getting stressed is taking away energy that you could be using to sort out the problems. And now you're blaming yourself for getting stressed. And now you're chasing your tail, and, errrm, where were we? grin

Just picture a peaceful life, where 100% of the effort you expend will be towards good, lovely, worthy projects. Unfortunately, that can't be now, or even in the next couple of weeks, probably, but it will come. Think of now as the storm before the calm, the cleaning a room when half-way through (we all know what that looks like!). It sucks but it will be worth it, in the end.

Hugs from us

ptumbi Thu 20-Nov-14 08:18:39

Good old Jo Brand - a great role model.

Sure - I would complain long and loud at the school. You know it's not acceptable. I'd ask about getting him moved to the other school. I'd go to the other school with all his 'accident forms' angry and request an urgent move. If they fob you off, go to your local councillor (honestly I can't stress this enough - it's what they are there for. i've got shit in my life that is being considerably eased by the involvement of my local cllr - it helps just having someone in your corner) There are people to help - don't put up and keep quiet.

Poor little boy.

Hope you have a good day.

Jux Thu 20-Nov-14 09:52:51

Hey there, Sure.

PM, that's a good analogy.

Baby steps, sure. When I go out without my mobility scooter (not often these days!) and I find I've gone a bit further than was wise, I get home by concentrating on one foot in front of the other.

First one foot.
Then the other.
One foot.
Then the other.
One foot.
Then the other.

I get home! I have never not got home. And you will too. You will get home.

Sorry things are still going so slowly for you.

I have no idea about legalities, so feel free to ignore me and/or tell me I'm an idiot, but could you contact your local police again and tell them you are being harassed and would like that dealt with as a separate issue to the rape? Could they then shut him up under harassment laws whilst you are waiting for all the various forces to deal with the rape?

As an aside, I am so pleased Scotland now has one police force for the whole of the country as there are no more boundary issues!

surereadyforchange Thu 20-Nov-14 16:27:22

Welll, I've just had an email from the PO in the county it happened in, following my phonecall to PO in my city yesterday who said he'd ring him and see what the hell was going on.
He said it could be months but he was hoping to arrest him next week.
I am umming and ahhing regarding whether to tell him about my 'fuck off' reply to 'him' a few days ago.
There is literally no evidence of it as the thread had been deleted, but as I think as some of you have said, if I DONT mention it, and he has miraculously screenshot it, it could be awkward if it comes up in the future. Plus I don't want to be a liar when I say I haven't contacted him. I just have the guilts for some reason!

Help me word how to make it not sound so bad??

PacificDogwood Thu 20-Nov-14 22:04:50

I suppose it's good that he is honest with you and does not make any false promises - better late than never hmm

I'd just keep it simple and honest: 'I sent a message expressing my hurt to him on <date> and deleted it since'.
No apology (not required) and no unnecessary explanations - they can ask if they want more detail than that.

I so agree with the Jo Brand/singing analogy - you are beginning to realise what he has robbed you off and how free you can be without him and are struggling with how frightening that it. Scary, but full of possibility thanks

Momagain1 Thu 20-Nov-14 23:16:50

If the original issues drag on, I think Doc's idea to have the police treat his on going messaging as harassment might be a good thing. Especially as, if they do contact him re: that, he will think that's all you have on him. When the other FINALLY happens: shock and surprise! <evil laugh>

PacificDogwood Fri 21-Nov-14 17:10:44

Wishing you a good weekend, sure brewcake

surereadyforchange Fri 21-Nov-14 18:45:52

Thanks. Not heard anything more from him.
PO from my county re-downloading my phone monday.
Hanging in there. Thanks for all the support flowers

IPokeBadgers Fri 21-Nov-14 20:19:09

Hope you have a peaceful weekend...try and relax if possible....do nice things for you and your DS if you can xx

PedantMarina Sat 22-Nov-14 05:01:09

Well, you know my thoughts on this, sure. The police don't like surprises that might hinder their work. Just make sure they know: you were telling him to f* off (i.e. not luvvy-duvvy stuff), again, and because nothing was bring done by the authorities you'd trusted, you were under an unbearable amount of stress. You don't even have to 'spin' that: it's the truth.

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