So, basic info is that I've been friends with a group of women since our children were toddlers (they're now all yr 6/7), so quite a while!
There are five of us and, as you do when the kids are small, we used to meet up quite often and socialise as a group with our DH's when possible too.
There's always been tension between one member of the group and I, which I never found the reason for or understood, so it always made for an odd dynamic and so meet ups would sometimes happen where one or other of us wasn't there, to try and avoid awkwardness. As she has a less full on job, and a DH who's always around, whereas my career is quite full on and my DH is away a lot, that tended to mean I was the one left out, more than her. A bit hurtful but nothing I could do about it.
Time seems to have resolved whatever the issue was, to some extent, and when we're together in the group now it's perfectly fine and she's very friendly (but never outside of the group).
In the last year or two there have been a small number of weekends away, with DH's. We were invited to the first one, but I had to say no as we had no childcare and what childcare we do have (my mum) I try not to "overuse" as we use that when we want to do stuff as a couple or family. Family and couple time is really precious to us due to DH being away a lot.
Anyway, to get to the point 
I've just been told by one of the group, that she's going away, with all the other women, on a girls' weekend the weekend after next, and there's another planned for January. I've not been asked on this, or told about it. She wanted to tell me as didn't feel it was right that I know nothing about it as that'd really be hurtful to me.
Apparently everyone else in the group says I won't mind at all as I "like to do things with my other friends"! I can't see how that's relevant at all as the only reason I've said no before, was due to childcare issues, which wouldn't be the case with a "girls" weekend, and besides, they all have other friends and it doesn't seem to be stopping them from going on this weekend.
I can't deny that I'm really bloody hurt by this. What makes it worse is that we were all together for what I thought was, a really nice evening only last Saturday. And we've got a Christmas outing planned for December (couples). Yet in between that, there's this girls' weekend that no-one even thought to invite me to.
Even if they thought I'd say no, surely it would have been nice to mention it or see if I was able to go?
I feel really angry and hurt by this but am not sure what to do. Do I smile nicely and go to the Christmas outing, knowing that they've left me out of one weekend and are busy planning the next? Or do I speak to them and let them know how hurt I am? Frankly, even if I did that, and they then invited me, I'm not sure I'd feel able to do and spend a weekend with them after this.
Any advice please MN'ers
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Relationships
Friendship traumas!
Dotty342kids · 19/11/2014 14:16
I had a very honest conversation with the friend who told me about the trip. She's been great and just wanted to be up front with me about it. I told her I was very hurt, (but not by her, more the situation!) but there's nothing she can really do and I don't want her to end up feeling awkward and stuck in the middle of it all.
Think I may have to phone / pop around to talk to the organiser of these things (aka Social Butterfly ) and tell her. I'm not very good at these things though, all I actually want to do is have a good cry, withdraw from the group and not go to the Christmas party!
Oh gosh yes, friend who told me I definitely see as a good friend. Bless her, I know she's feeling bad for being the one who told me about all of this.
I don't want to drag others into whatever the issue was between me and this one particular person as I know it makes them feel torn between us and it's really not their problem.
But yes, I think talking to the organising person is the way to go. Thinking about it......... there was quite a lot of discussing of the Christmas party (dates and possible venues) before I was involved. It was only the friend above who told me about that, I then suggested an idea and that got taken up. There have been a couple of other instances too, now that I think about it, where the organiser has had chances to include me in things and hasn't.
Think I may have to and see her tomorrow and get this all out in the open. Tbh, it all makes me feel rather sick with anxiety 
think the friend who told me is trying not to get too involved / dragged in by asking reasons for anything, can't say as I blame her! But she's been told it's because I do weekends away etc with other friends and don't mind not being told / asked!
I'm going to phone the organiser tonight, I know I just won't sleep if I let it drag into tomorrow.
Thank you so much for all your support so far, it really helps to have an objective point of view .
Growing up, I had a tendency to get possessive over friends and struggle with friendships a bit, so want to make sure it's not that rearing its head again.
Hi everyone, thought I'd come back and update you. Phoned organiser of the two upcoming trips for a frank discussion and started off, as suggesting, by saying that I'd heard about the upcoming trips and was wondering why I wasn't being invited.
Apparently when I was on the last girls' weekend with them all, 3 summers ago, they had felt that I wasn't really enjoying it and that it was all rather uncomfortable. Somehow this is down to me and nothing to do with the fact that I'd said I'd be ok with "the one who's never liked me" joining us. I thought I'd really tried to make it ok and that we had a nice weekend. Apparently not. Then last year, when it was my 40th and my DH organised and paid for a spa weekend for us and my four closest friends (who I've known since we were teenagers and who are like my family) they felt left out 
because I hadn't invited them!
And finally, they felt that things have just changed and drifted over the last couple of years. That part is fair enough though can't say as I'd noticed particularly, it's just that for me, life has got increasingly busy. They all work in local, part time jobs and have husbands who are mostly around so they can easily meet up for coffee or meals whereas I just can't do those things. It feels like I'm being penalised for things I can't help or simply didn't know about.
I explained that I felt things were ok and that I really enjoyed a night together with them last weekend and had really been looking forward to the Christmas party, but that I can't be half a friend. Either I'm their friend and I get included in plans and outings (even if I have to say no because I just can't make them) or I'm not. I can't be a good friend, but then find they're doing things and haven't even told me about them.
I don't think we'll be going to the Christmas party
Friend who told me, really did it for the best of reasons. She's just moved back from abroad and just didn't want to feel like she was doing things I didn't know about, and keeping them from me. No issues there at all and I'm sure we'll be ok.
Feel sort of numb. I really had no idea this was coming.
How awful!! I guess at least you know where you stand.
I would be concentrating on having lovely nights out with real friends if I were you. Life is too short for this kind of crap.
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That's really horrible for you
They sound like arses. Sometimes it takes years to really get to know what people are all about.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Focus on your good friends and know that if you clear space in your life, eventually new friendships will have a chance to develop.
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