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Fil is ill. We are nc. wwud

(13 Posts)
oohnewshoes Wed 19-Nov-14 13:39:35

There is a long back story with parents in law. Mil is an alcoholic, doesn't drink for weeks then binges for weeks. Fil is a nice enough man, very quite. He doesn't talk much and has never made much of an effort with me (I have tried). He also drinks a lot, usually when mil starts he seems to think he might as well join in.

Dh loves his father dearly but has not had a good relationship with his mum since he was 18 when the alcohol problems began.

There have been lots of issues over the years where mil has played bil and dh off against each other. Constant comparisons, she only talks to us when she has fell out with bil and sil.

We have been nc with il's since my daughters 5th birthday. Mil promised Dd she would come to her party then sent a present with Fil while he was on the way to the pub. Dd cried and cried. Asked contantly where granny was and refused to open her present until granny came.

Fil has had prostate issues and has been monitored by his gp. Dh uncle phoned a few months ago to say Fil was ill, prostate. When dh phoned he got a very cool response phone call lasted less than a minute. Fil was not very sick, he just need tests. Results were fine dh said mil is playing games again.

Today I had a quick look at face book. Sil had posted get well soon grand a from xx xx and xxxx. She NEVER posts on fb so can only assume it was for my attention. I will not be running back to them.

Dh will be really upset when I tell him him dad is ill we've been here before. Dhs black mood will last for weeks. Weather or not he contacts them. I don't know what to tell him. Of course dh needs to know his father is ill but how dare they do it this way. I really want to comment on sil's status "thanks for letting family know before you tell the world " but won't

oohnewshoes Wed 19-Nov-14 13:44:19

Ment to add how do we react to this. I can't help but feel they are playing games again. Mil is toxic at best. Dh thinks so much of his dad. Why could the not pick up the phone. What did they think we would say?

Quitelikely Wed 19-Nov-14 13:48:57

Sometimes I believe that it is best for people to stay in touch with their family even if their wife/husband doesn't want to/feel it appropriate.

Sometimes folk go no contact but it is with a heavy heart. Is this your dh? Might he be supporting you by staying away rather than it being what he wanted? After all FiL hasn't done much wrong.

You said he adores his father so I would try to encourage your dh to build up a relationship with him again.

You don't need to get involved, stay well back and let them get on with it.

Good luck and try not to let the pils use up your emotional energy as that's a waste if I ever knew one!

Quitelikely Wed 19-Nov-14 13:52:08

Also try not to criticise their ways to your dh. They don't pick up the phone because they don't want or feel able to. Don't even think about it. It may be that they only want a relationship with your dh. That's hard going but it's something worth accepting for your husbands sake.

Of course I'm sure there will be plenty who disagree with me on that one but pils can cause so much stress I would love to be given the chance to never see mine!

BarbarianMum Wed 19-Nov-14 13:55:17

If you are nc with them it seems rather strange to be saying they should pick up the phone.

I don't see the need for you to tell your dh anything right now. Maybe stay off Facebook for a while. If they do get in touch let him decide how to handle it - just say that you wish to remain nc.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:55:38

TBH I would leave them all to it and disengage from FB as well. It is no point trying to engage with people who are clearly not interested or at all bothered about you people as a family unit. FIL has clearly enabled his wife in her drinking and is drinking as well.

Would your DH be willing to talk to Al-anon re his parents drinking problem?. They may well be helpful to him?. It is not his fault or yours for that matter that his parents are the ways they are.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones he would do well to remember as well:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

oohnewshoes Wed 19-Nov-14 13:58:50

Thanks quite. We have deen together 18 years. Dh had always been distant with his parents. He has stayed in touch with Fil. Fil is quite definitely not a talker. He would call up to watch a match with dh now and again. This has not happened since dds birhday even though I have asked dh to do so. I have been the one to keep up contact with his family. Bringing dcs to visit ect. Sometimes dh would mutter that I will regret getting involved with them. So dh really has been nc with mil for a long time. I have been nc since April. This is when contact stopped with fil. I just can't see my children hurt and confused any more.

Somethingtodo Wed 19-Nov-14 14:09:03

Choose to hide your SIL's posts on FB. Do not do anything - dont bother telling your dh - carry on as before - illness, crises, etc do not resolve or make these situations any better -- mostly worse. Keep well away and keep you dc out of it.

Why is your SIL stirring it up ? are you nc with her as well?

Somethingtodo Wed 19-Nov-14 14:11:47

Attila - love the 3c's -- can also apply them to many other situations rather than just alcoholism

oohnewshoes Wed 19-Nov-14 14:24:03

Thanks all. There have been so things over the years. I'm just trying to give an outline of were we are now. I come from a very close family and feel like I'm living in eastenders sometimes. I feel so sorry for dh. Even though is time MIGHT be attention seeking Fil is in his 70s. The day is coming when something will happen. I don't what dh to have any regrets. I think I will have to tell dh. Let him make up his own mind.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 19-Nov-14 14:37:25

I would not tell him, no good will come of doing so and you've only seen some FB message as well from SIL so its really second hand information you'd be imparting to DH. Its not worth having him go through more black moods as a result. Also your SIL has not called you directly either.

Meerka Wed 19-Nov-14 16:58:43

Agreed, hide her posts on facebook.

And you're right, keep a lot of distance between them and your children. It doesn't sound like they are reliable, trustworthy or kind (letting your daughter down, the alcoholism).

As you say, let your husband know. he can make his own decision, but if he found out later he might never forgive you.

Quitelikely Wed 19-Nov-14 17:19:48

No sorry I think you should tell him. What a terrible burden it would be on you if something serious was wrong with him and the worst happened. Your dh would hold it against you. Even if he knows he might decide to do nothing about it but I think it's right that he reaches his own conclusion.

If he gets positivity from his relationship with FiL. I think you should encourage it but avoid the actual coming togethers and meetings if poss.

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