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What would you think if your Fiance confessed to cheating on his first wife?

(77 Posts)
PaisleySheets Wed 19-Nov-14 12:38:27

This is a question for my a friend who was recently engaged and her fiance has come out with a confession that he wasn't faithful to his first wife.

I am good friends with her fiance and have known him for 3 years since they met and he seems like a lovely man, gentle natured and seems to dote on my friend.

He loved his first wife as much as he says he loves my friend and they divorced after 13 years of marriage because they "grew apart" and as far as I know the ex wife instigated the divorce an they are still good friends.

I'm really taken aback that he has just made this confession to my friend and I am worried for her. He said he told her because he didn't want any secrets between them.

The cheating was always one night stands. Some opportunistic, some planned and some with prostitutes and there was 17 incidents over 15 years together which went on from the first year to the last year. He has never told his ex wife and she is still in the dark but I was particularly horrified that his best friend and brother were also "in on it" and that several friends know about it and even helped cover up for him.

I like this man and feel like he loves my friend, but he freely admits he loved his ex wife just as much and I am concerned about the capability of a person to lie like that to someone they claim to love.

His reasoning behind it was that they had a lacklustre sex life.

What do you all think of this? My friend had a terrible situation with her ex partner and she deserves to marry someone she can trust and who will treat her right.

What does this say about this man's character deep down? Am I over-reacting and what should I advise her? She seems to believe he won;t do it to her because they have a brilliant sex life.

PaisleySheets Wed 19-Nov-14 12:40:34

Sorry 7 incidents, not 17

CotedePablo Wed 19-Nov-14 12:43:04

I'm sorry, but I couldn't trust someone like that. It sounds like he has itchy feet and would find it difficult to be faithful once they have settled into the normalities of married life.

PaisleySheets Wed 19-Nov-14 12:44:17

Funny part is though he was devastated his wife wanted to divorce, so it's not like he wanted to be with other women and I think he really did love her, but if you love a person, surely you wouldn't act like that?

TheFantasticFixit Wed 19-Nov-14 12:44:17

Well, by her reasoning she better never have a headache, be too tired, not fancy sex then. Because i would bet my bottom dollar that as soon as she is out of this honeymoon bubble, and they settle into normal married life where sex can often but a bit hit and miss (esp once children are on the scene) he will cheat on her too.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom Wed 19-Nov-14 12:48:35

7 one night stands? No, I couldn't trust him. Especially since it went on over a long period.

It someone shows you who they are, believe them.

lisej Wed 19-Nov-14 12:49:10

I cheated on a long term boyfriend regularly in my distant youth. I eventually split up with him, because I couldn't break the habit. I swore that I wouldn't cheat on anyone else again, and so far I haven't. Sometimes you get into the habit of doing it and getting away with it when you're with someone, and breaking out of the relationship re-sets your habits and moral compass. It doesn't necessarily mean that he will cheat on your friend. The fact that he's been honest with her about it is a positive sign.

AMumInScotland Wed 19-Nov-14 12:49:20

I'd be bothered. Not so much by the actual infidelity, but by his apparent lack of self-reflection on why he did it, or any kind of 'growth' in his attitude that would stop him from doing the exact same thing again.

Infidelity happens - if he acknowledged why it happened, the fact that it was a problem, understood what was wrong about his attitude to his marriage, etc, then he might have moved on and now be in a position to deal better with a long term relationship.

But 'the sex was boring' throughout the whole of a 17 year marriage doesn't cut it as a reason for behaving that way.

Twinklestein Wed 19-Nov-14 12:50:57

I would assume that if he cheated in her he would cheat on me.

And I would never have anything to do with a man who used prostitutes.

For me, it would be over.

makeitabetterplace Wed 19-Nov-14 12:54:28

It's the prostitutes bit that would end it for me. It's just the lowest form of cheating. How does your friend feel?

CheersMedea Wed 19-Nov-14 12:54:37

She seems to believe he won;t do it to her because they have a brilliant sex life.

I'm sorry but LOL.

The sort of behaviour you describe is not about sex. It's about a personality type. Often that kind of behaviour is because the man has an issue at core - it maybe he's a narcissistic attention seeker, it maybe because he is really a commitmentphobe and needs to keep a bit of emotional distance from his partner which he does by cheating and so on.

100% sure he'll do it again. It's fine if she's prepared to put up with that. Relationships in some ways are like a trade. For example, if you marry an extremely wealthy footballer in the public eye, you know they will cheat on you at some point not least because of the offers they get. But some women will take that trade for the lifestyle. It wouldn't be for me and I wouldn't marry a man of that character.

But really, there's no point in you even asking this question because if she loves him, she'll marry him. She won't break up with him based on past behaviour or your advice.

Buy shares in Kleenex.

IrianofWay Wed 19-Nov-14 12:55:07

"She seems to believe he won;t do it to her because they have a brilliant sex life."

Hmmm... most relationships involve a fantastic sex life when they are shiny and new. She better be good and sure she keeps it up or he'll feel justified in finding alternative sources hmm

Quitelikely Wed 19-Nov-14 12:56:26

This would make me nervous and cast a dark shadow over my relationship.

I suppose this throws up all sorts of ethics or should life just be no cheating whilst married or are there some circumstances which it is ok?

I think that although he loved his wife there was always something amiss hence why she ended the relationship.

Maybe if this is the right one for him he won't do it anymore.

coppertop Wed 19-Nov-14 12:58:26

"She seems to believe he won;t do it to her because they have a brilliant sex life."

That's probably what his ex-wife thought too.

LineRunner Wed 19-Nov-14 13:00:08

I don't think he was being 'honest' with your friend.

I think he was marking her card.

Why did his former wife instigate divorce? I mean, why did she really, not just what he says. Might be revealing.

BarbarianMum Wed 19-Nov-14 13:03:56

I would assume he wanted to start our relationship on an honest and open footing. Which is good.

However, the nature of the infidelity would make me run a mile. This doesn't sound like a man reflecting on what led him into tempation/a mistake - it sounds like pathological behaviour.

I agree with the poster above who said a good sex life won't fix this. Some pretty heavy therapy, maybe but even so...

BarbarianMum Wed 19-Nov-14 13:04:45

Sorry - for relationship read marriage

CheersMedea Wed 19-Nov-14 13:08:35

I think he was marking her card

Linerunner I agree with you.

A friend of mine was cheated on by her BF. When she found out about it he said to her "I never said I was a saint" hmm

This was based on the fact that she knew he'd cheated on his previous gf. The Bf acted like it was something my friend had signed up to.

He was quite the guy.

Twinklestein Wed 19-Nov-14 13:09:35

He hasn't been open and honest, they've been together for 3 years before he spilled the beans, and may have cheated on her already for all we know.

They may have a brilliant sex life now, but what if they have kids? What if she has a difficult birth and pain afterwards? Does she want to spend the rest of her life looking over her shoulder every time she doesn't fancy sex?

sykadelic Wed 19-Nov-14 13:10:48

Telling your friend does nothing for her except cause worry and doubt.. whether right now or later. She will feel pressured to have sex when she doesn't feel like it out of worry he'll cheat. Or she'll not have sex with him to test his fidelity. She'll check up on him. Start wondering if she missing signs.

And if she finds out he is (that he will is a given) then his response will be " i told you I did this with my first wife cause the sex was bad" at which point she'll blame herself or accept a cheating spouse.

He knew she might struggle with this so I'm wondering why he told her. The "i don't want secrets" stuff is bull because it would never have affected her life. Just put it in the past and move on. So my guess would be he's setting up an "i warned you" excuse...

If said friend is okay with it though there's nothing you can really do. she has to make the choice herself. At At the very least, suggest a full STI/HIV test, for both of them where she sees the results. I'd also always wear condoms and never have a child with him.

PaisleySheets Wed 19-Nov-14 13:11:39

Before this story even came out, I was taken aback by how well he seemed to get on with his ex wife. It's widely known among his circle of friends that he loved her more than she loved him, and that he was very upset when she wanted to divorce. She said she had stopped loving him over the years and that they married too young but they both seem to respect each other and they are good friends to the point that the ex wife and her new husband were invited (but declined) an invite to the engagement party.

I understand they were married very young (18) but a few things really worried me about this story.

The first is that he told my friend that it was because the ex wife was not that into sex, but he also says they never talked about that issue. Surely over 13 years of marriage and 15 years of relationship you should be able to talk about needs not being met or something?

The second is his friends and brother being "in on it". I have spent time with this bunch of guys who seem very moralistic and great and yet my friends fiance still goes away with them on "boys" weekends to see bands play and what not. The incidents range from meeting a girl on a night and ending up in bed unexpectedly to hunting the red light district in Amsterdam and even pre-arranging over a period of months a threesome with two prostitutes. He was very detailed in his confession and some of it was pre-medicated.

He also admits to having had unprotected sex with two of the girls.

What concerns me is that this was not moments of madness, it was something that happened at regularly spaced intervals and was sometimes pre-planned with lots of people in on the deception.

Yet he went home and slept next to this woman and told her he loved her?

I'm really shocked because he seems like such a nice man.

SmashingInAthleticWear Wed 19-Nov-14 13:13:01

Are they planning to have children and is she aware of how that affects sex?

The prostitutes and his apparent lack of remorse are seriously worrying as well.

PaisleySheets Wed 19-Nov-14 13:13:30

As for what my friend feels, she was very upset and shocked at first but then he talked her round by saying he could tell her anything and his ex wife was hard to be honest with, and also by saying he wanted to make it diferrent with her and have no secrets and somehow this confession has actually made her feel MORE special or even superior to the ex wife! she seems to actually feel a bit sorry for him being trapped in a sexless marriage? she's not usually a stupid woman, but I fear she is being blind.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Nov-14 13:14:29

I'd also question the motives of someone who comes out with this kind of confession. He's no gentleman for a start, there's such a thing as over-sharing and it does sound a little like advance notice that 'lacklustre sex' will be punished with infidelity.

But I expect your friend will interpret it as him being honest, open and reformed.... hmm Tread very carefully.

SmashingInAthleticWear Wed 19-Nov-14 13:16:38

So he's blethering on about not having any secrets, but has he actually promised her that he won't cheat on her?!

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