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Narky NC SiL being weird again.

(93 Posts)
KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 16:43:28

Am NC with narcissist SiL. It's been lovely.


She text me yesterday saying 'Happy Birthday' and some bullshit about not having sent a card because she's been so busy and just hasn't had the time.


We've been NC since April. APRIL hmm

WHY is she contacting me? And on my birthday? What kind of freakshow texts just to tell someone they were too busy to post a card? WTF?

Ironically the last conversation we had she ripped me apart for not sending a get well card to MiL who had a cold or summat. My job, clearly. Although DP got a roasting too.

Then she text today to tell me she's posted a gift. WHY? We haven't spoken since APRIL!

She knows this. No contact. I've blocked her calls, blocked her on FB, ignored and deleted all texts.

Has she just forgotten how she treated me? Has it escaped her teeny mind? Does she think I haven't spoken to her for 7 months because I'm too busy or something??

I don't want her gift. It'll be shit. She buys me utter crap and it depresses me. [Ungrateful Brat Emoticon] Contact hooks, napkins, wire... (seriously). Just don't want it. Can I refuse to sign for it??

I've got a fair bit going on at the moment and I could do with her just fucking off. I'd forgotten about her. What's her issue?


RubberBulletKisses Tue 18-Nov-14 16:50:30

She knows you've forgotten about her and she can't stand it. By using your birthday she thinks she can get back inside your head and anyone who objects is being unreasonable because it's nice to get people birthday presents! My theory, anyway. Ignore!

Meerka Tue 18-Nov-14 16:52:13

Yes you can refuse to sign for it. Or accept it then ritually burn it =)

it -could- actually be an olive branch. Or an attempt to draw you in (from what you've posted before, more likely the latter). But if you just ignore her it won't be long before she gets the huff when you aren't suitably grateful.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 16:59:01

It's not an olive branch. Unless it's got thorns and poisonous berries.


I hate her!!

Yes, I'll refuse to sign for it. Pretend I wasn't in. Or if I don't have to sign for it I'll chuck it away.

7 months. She needs to get the message. I would have if I was her.

And she's so horrid to me. (And DS.) I just don't understand it

GoatsDoRoam Tue 18-Nov-14 17:13:35

What RubberBullet said, defo: being "nice" so that you become the unreasonable one.

Also, she doesn't want to acknowledge something that she finds unpalatable. You NCing her is not something she countenanced, so she's just going to ignore it and pretend that it's not what you are doing.

You can't stop her believing whatever she wants to believe. Just work on not letting her occasional messages and gifts ruffle you.

The next step may be a suggestion that she comes visit, mind.

pictish Tue 18-Nov-14 17:16:36

She's trying to draw you back in by being 'nice'. Just ignore it.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 18-Nov-14 17:27:37

If the parcel requires signature (unlikely, surely?) you can decline it at the door, postman gives you a 'collect from depot' card, you don't collect & it gets returned to sender. Keep up the NC - and try not to let these attempted 'hooks' get to you!

Scrounger Tue 18-Nov-14 17:33:28

I'm 'in contact' with my SIL (although I've pissed her off at the moment so she isn't talking to me, Unfortunately I've just realised that it is lovely so I'm definitely going to do it again. BTW her reaction wasn't justified I just stepped out of line by gently asking her to mind her own business). I either ebay it / bin it or give it to charity. It is quite satisfying.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 17:33:28

Ah, it's gone too far for me to back out now.

I suspect it's a ploy to get us down for Christmas. Visits are never about us though. They're about what we can do for them. (DP drives them everywhere - frequently to take stuff to the tip - and I get to 'help' them sort out their house - generally means me deep cleaning while they move their hoard around and bitch about the lack of space.


Walkacrossthesand Tue 18-Nov-14 17:56:39

Sounds a delightful way to spend Christmas hmm I'm sure you have other plans already, no??

BaffledSomeMore Tue 18-Nov-14 18:08:17

First text is to punish you by making you see how it feels to have someone be too busy to send a card.
Second is presumably to show you what a magnanimous person she now you've learnt your lesson.
I remember your thread from her last visit and can offer nothing else but:
Keep up the NC

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 18:26:44

First text is to punish you by making you see how it feels to have someone be too busy to send a card.

Ah, that makes sense! Fuck me, imagine spending 7 months waiting to make a point! confused hmm And sadly it was wasted seeing as I actually couldn't give two fecks about getting a card.

Yes, other plans for Christmas. They live 3 hours away and fitting it around our work is a PITA.

Fascinates me that she's so bothered that I don't want any contact though. She made it very clear that she doesn't like me. Very jealous of my relationship with DP. DP's birthday card was addressed to Dear brother mine. hmm

He's always 'my brother'. Never his name. Ever.

Like I said before, we were friends. But she always sniped at me. When DP and I were buying a house together she got worse. Then gradually became insufferable.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 18-Nov-14 18:29:22

Typical narcissist behaviour this and this type of behaviour is called "hoovering". She is trying to draw you back into her mad dysfunctional world.

Ignore the narcissist and do not acknowledge any cards or "gifts" that she sends you. Block her number from your phone as well, you do not need to be receiving any sort of text message from her.

Radio silence from you needs to be maintained. There must be NO sort of acknowledgement of anything you receive from her.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 18-Nov-14 18:32:07

The toxic hooverer doesn’t truly care about you either — they just want to keep you around to feed on emotionally, and when you decide to go no contact, they don’t plan on letting you get away that easily.

Many hooverers have traits of borderline, narcissistic, antisocial or histrionic personality disorders. People with Dependent Personality Disorder may also hoover.

Hoovering is manipulation to gain control over your choice to distance yourself, and typically takes the following forms:

•Ignoring your requests to break off the relationship and attempting to continue on as if nothing has changed.
•Asking you when you’re going to “get over it” and return to your past actions.
•Sending you a fake apology to give you hope that things have changed.
•Trying to trick you into contact by saying someone needs you, is sick, or in trouble.
•Triangulating with others, communicating things to you through them.
•Saying they’re worried about you, concerned about whether you’re okay, need to know where you are, etc.
•Sending unwanted cards, messages and gifts, sometimes gifts for your children, as they know you are likely to feel guilty about keeping a gift from your kids. Don’t allow this – exposing your children to manipulation is far worse!
•Returning old items you left behind.
•Baiting you with drama games.
•Contacting you about “important” things they “forgot” and suddenly have to tell you.

Don’t Fall for Hoovering Tactics

Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behavior. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).

If your wish to end a relationship is not being honored, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.

The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.

If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 18:33:36

Number is blocked but texts can still get through.

Thought she'd given up ages ago though.

I haven't responded to her since our last conversation. I've ignored everything.

BaffledSomeMore Tue 18-Nov-14 18:46:38

It is mind boggling isn't it? She's probably been hatching her cunning plan all these months giggling at the devastation she'll wreak upon you. And there's you couldn't give a shiney shite. grin

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 18-Nov-14 18:48:05

(Is it not possible for the phone provider to stop your phone receiving her text messages?).

Well done for ignoring this, keep on ignoring her mad excesses of behaviour as well.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 18:54:17

She's probably been hatching her cunning plan all these months giggling at the devastation she'll wreak upon you. And there's you couldn't give a shiney shite.

Possibly. She's actually been 'ditched' my quite a few people over the last few years. Several relatives including a cousin she was once close to, best friend of 10+ years, me, another friend who's distancing themselves.

It's exhausting and depressing being in contact with her. I won't be 'hoovered'. It won't work.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Tue 18-Nov-14 19:19:44

Got £150 to spare? Fancy giving her a Christmas present she'll NEVER forget?

Mrs (her name). I do not wish to have further contact with you, and I have made this plain to you in front of (witnesses).

Your card of (date) caused me distress, and I consider this harassment under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997. Be aware that any further contact, including texts, phone calls whether connected or not, unsolicited postal items or gifts or attempts to communicate through third parties other than professional representatives will be considered "a course of conduct" under the Act. Should such conduct occur I will seek an injunction to prevent further acts and ask the court to attach such penalties for breach as it may see fit.

I urge you to seek professional advice you lunatic cow, you

hamptoncourt Tue 18-Nov-14 19:40:47

I knew it would be you king as soon as I saw the thread title grin

She is a proper narc and they always come back.

Ignore ignore ignore

Delete delete delete

I wouldn't even tell DH in case he is in danger of trying to suck you back in.

Just keep thinking about how much better Christmas is going to be without her "input"

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Tue 18-Nov-14 19:50:18

I wouldn't even tell DH in case he is in danger of trying to suck you back in.

No, he's not. He saw how desperately depressed I became after her last visit. He doesn't like her either.

Got £150 to spare? No. Paid a £566 vet's bill yesterday. My account is EMPTY!! Besides, I haven't actually told her that I wanted to go NC. I just did it. One bitchy conversation too many. Kind of became clear that she thinks she owns me.

GoatsDoRoam Tue 18-Nov-14 20:29:22

Just looked at one of your old threads. She's tried the pressie tactic before. Just ignore it like you did last time.

BMW6 Tue 18-Nov-14 20:38:09

If a "gift" arrives don't even open it - just throw it away. (It doesn't sound like she'll send anything of value to anyone)

And as the poster above who explained "hoovering" said - ignore any contact. Do not respond in any way (esp not a notice of Legal Action - Christ she;d LOVE that as it would acknowledge her effect on you).

SaucyJack Tue 18-Nov-14 21:13:58

It's not an attempt to be nice.

She's texting you specifically to let you know she remembered it was your birthday but she doesn't like you enough to send a card or get a present there on time. It's an out and out fuck you.

jackydanny Tue 18-Nov-14 21:30:23

I feel sorry for her (though I haven't read your other threads)

Why don't you let her know you are not going to communicate with her anymore? Not fair to leave someone hanging.

Does she have MH problems?

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