Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
WWYD, OH won’t make effort to make friends?(7 Posts)
So, long story short. OH is fairly new to the county (moved here Jan 2014) He moved here for work, I met him in April 2014. He is SO lovely and I am really happy with him. He is great fun and numerous times now has invited his friends down from where he’s from, they are all lovely and we have had some great laughs. I’ve also been back up to where he’s from numerous times and again, gone out with him and his friends and, again, it’s been really good fun. I have a good circle of friends and am very social so he comes out quite often with us, however, it just so happens that at the moment, not many of my friends have BFs. Three of my best friends are married but both have relocated out of the county with their OHs so they aren’t around a lot, which is a shame as he gets on really well with all their OHs.
ANYWAY, the point of this post really, is that since meeting him, he has said numerous times how he needs to get out and meet people as he’s not used to not having a good friend network around him. His job allows him a lot of spare time too which probably doesn’t help as he has a lot of time and nothing to fill it with! I have encouraged him time and time again to get out there, do things and meet people, yet every time it’s met with an excuse.
The first few months it didn’t bother me and I just left it. However, as winter has now drawn in, the past few weeks he’s been moaning about how much he misses his friends back home and is bored. So, again, I suggested he join local cricket/rugby/football teams. Joins the local gliding club, goes out to the gym, joins a running club etc etc. Each and every one of those suggestions came back with an excuse as to why he couldn’t. Last week I found a really useful website for our county/city, set up especially for people new to the area looking to make friends and socialise. Listed on this website are LOADS of activities and social nights with a range of different people.
He has the next 4 days off and I honestly don’t think he has any intention of doing anything with that time. Yes he tidies the house, messes about with his car, looks into buying a second property, watches TV etc etc but I bet he won’t actually GO OUT AND TRY AND MAKE SOME FRIENDS.
I am not seeing him now until Friday as I’m busy, last night he said he wished he was seeing me and if he wasn’t he may go back home for a couple of days and catch up with people back there. That’s fine but if he does that every time I can’t see him for a day or so then he’ll just never extend his social network down here.
I love him to bits and am happy in the relationship but I am a really busy, social person and I cannot be his entertainment all the time, he needs to stand on his own 2 feet and get out there and make a life for himself here. He’s said himself, for the next 20 years at least he will probably be based here for his work so he really needs to start making the effort.
So yes, WWYD? I think it might be time to get tough, but how?
You can't force somebody to do something even if it is your boyfriend. If he wants to meet people then he will do so off his own back. Not really sure what it is you think you can do tbh.
Hi op. I am in a spookily similar situation. Smashing bf. Busy life (work and friends) but I am starting to get a bit put off the bf by his complete social reliance on me. I'm starting to find it a bit smothering. I still go out a lot with friends but I'm starting to feel a bit guilty about it. Not because he says anything but because he's always "waiting" for me iykwim. It's like I am responsible totally for his happiness and that doesn't sit right with me.
He is very shy socially (though not with me) and I know he finds it hard to get out there but it's really starting to cast a cloud over us
I don't know what to suggesting but I wanted you to know you're not alone!
Let it come, naturally. I used to be shy and retiring, and even now I rarely strike up new friendships. Being told to get out and join the local chess club in the hope of forcing a friendship for the sake of it really isn't helpful.
If he really, truly wants to make friends, and isn't just saying it to placate you, he'll make it happen.
Thanks for the replies.
I don't want to force him, I want him to take the initiative himself. I KNOW he's not happy with his social situation here deep down. It'd be hard for him to be considering he's got such a good social circle back home.
I wouldn't rely say he was shy and retiring tbh. He is good at making general chit chat with people and is fairly confident.
I think, well know it is just being a bit afraid of the unknown and also a bit of laziness because it WILL require a bit of effort.
I guess I just don't want it to be this time next year and he still hasn't made any attempt at making a social life for himself down here. I want to go out with my friends and not feel guilty if I don't invite him or feel guilty if I don't see him for a few days.
That is not me, I'm busy and independent and don't rely on man for my social entertainment. That works both ways and I don't want man who relies on me for it either. Dependency is not an attractive trait.
Unfortunately you can't force them. This drove me a bit nuts with stbx. He guilted me when I met with friends (oh sure, you've at least got friends to meet for coffee) but wouldn't make any arrangements to meet the few friends he had or try to make new friends. He would say "oh I just like being home with you." Fine, but you cannot be in each other's back pockets all. the. time. It made me feel claustrophobic. Do you have any mutual "couple" friends that perhaps the male half of the couple might be willing to meet him for a drink or something?
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.