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anyone have a hand to hold? or some words of wisdom?

(16 Posts)
pickleme Tue 18-Nov-14 14:23:16

Sorry, this situation Isn't nearly as bad as some on these boards so please forgive the self pity!

I just split up with dp, his choice really - although I knew things weren't right I would like to try again. He wouldn't give me a straight answer about if he thought it was giving things another shot. I think I deserve better than someone who is not sure about me so I'm walking away. I also suspect he has his eye on someone else and is holding out to see if she is interested.

Anyway, we live together so now I'm faced with what to do now. I want to go home and cry but he is there. I was crying at work (a newish job) this morning but have managed to pull it together. I'm looking at 2 house shares tonight - not something I'm keen on but I could save up enough to buy my own place if I live in a cheap flat share for a couple of years.

How did it get to this? I'm 32 with no property, no relationship, no children, and all of my friends and family are so far away I can't see them until christmas. How do I get through the next few weeks of living together while I find somewhere else?

I can't speak to anybody about it yet without crying so I've turned to the wise ladies of mumsnet for your advice and maybe some of your success stories.

SeasonsEatings Tue 18-Nov-14 14:33:04

At 32 I was suddenly single, heart broken having been dumped at an airport, (literally and with 8 hours to kill for flight) I moved into a house share and shortly after got made redundant. I felt v low.

The house share turned out to be a ball and I had a fantastic summer of holidays during notice period and landed a great new job.

So in a nutshell I know its tough but this is a fresh start. Reach out to your friends, stay with one tonight and get drunk on prosecco. Get a hair cut or colour and whenever you see you ex have a smile on your face.

Imagine that your view is grey right now but soon it will be lively colours.

Onwards and upwards for you. 2015 can be your year to shine x

SeasonsEatings Tue 18-Nov-14 14:35:20

Sorry just saw no friends local, workmate? Or spare room with skype to friends and fizz? If no spare room then ask him to have sofa tonight

pickleme Tue 18-Nov-14 15:36:39

Thank you SeasonsEatings, you have cheered me up. I'm not normally such a negative person but I'm finding it hard to look on the bright side. There is a spare room which I'll be staying in and we can be friendly but I just want to cry every time I see him. Also I cant get rid of that horrible lost feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I do have a fab job and some lovely workmates who have been supportive and amazing, but I have only been living here a few months so nobody very close.

I'm going to view a flat tonight so I think I'll perk up if its somewhere I like.

SeasonsEatings Tue 18-Nov-14 16:14:19

I hope the flat is nice.

If you are in spare room make it cosy. Have you got a tv or something to watch some favourite DVD's on? Preferably something to make you laugh?

Try not get tearful in front of him, if you feel yourself welling up pretend you have just heard your phone ring/need to turn something off urgently in a different room.

scatteroflight Tue 18-Nov-14 16:31:20

Oh pickle, I was in your shoes almost exactly a year ago. Here are the things I did:

-Started online dating immediately (in fact had a date booked the very next day after breaking up with my DP)
-Went on a spending spree for nice clothes - bought loads in the Boxing Day sales
-Haircut / general beauty regime
-Bought a car
-Got a new job
-Redecorated our flat
-Went away for Christmas
-Reached out to old friends

I was absolutely suicidal for a long time, but all these things helped me keep a sense of momentum and moving forward. Is there no way you can stay in your flat and have him move out?

I think this is such a shit time of year to break up too. It's hard to be positive in the depths of winter.

32 isn't a bad age to start again. You're still very marketable! Get yourself online dating and see if you can get a confidence boost asap.

pickleme Tue 18-Nov-14 22:41:28

Thank you scatter. I could definitely do some of those things.

The flat was nice and I'm waiting to hear if they want me. A bit emotionally fragile so may not take more rejection too well.

makeitabetterplace Tue 18-Nov-14 22:52:46

I split with long term live in partner at 32. We owned a house together and I had no idea he was unhappy til he told me he wanted to split up. It was bloody awful. He slept in the campervan in the drive for a few weeks while I found a rented place for me, my dog and my cat. I lost two stone, cried almost non stop and thought I would actually die from misery.

My top tips for survival are:
Immediate online dating for flirting and ego boost - even if you don't meet up with anyone
Arrange stuff to do EVERY weekend so you're not on your tod
Save washing up for several days so you're not washing one plate, one cup etc. (which I found depressing)
Eat anything you want to ( I found cooking for one very depressing so stopped eating. When I started to eat again I could face snacks and junk)
Get out of the house every day for a walk round town, round the fields, anything.
Listen to comedy podcasts and have them on your iphone, or whatever, for when you wake up in the night and it's all quiet - I loved Adam and Joe.

I'm 39 now and life has never been better, I'm able to look back to that horrible time and send myself love and reassurance that everything will be fine. (When I was going through it I used to imagine myself coming from the future and reassuring myself.)

And, go girl! You can get through! thanks

Drumdrum60 Tue 18-Nov-14 22:53:22

You are doing the right thing and being so brave too! You will find someone so much better and be so much happier. It's this bit that the hardest.

whyMe2014 Wed 19-Nov-14 00:01:46

Things will get better. At 32 you have lots to look forward to.

My stbxh walked out on me when I was 28 for 6 months but I took him back (mug) - fast forward and I'm 45 and we are currently in the middle of a nasty divorce and he's run off with the OW - leaving me and my two kids heartbroken.

So think of this as an opportunity - a fresh start. Find out who you are before rushing into anything else.

pickleme Wed 19-Nov-14 08:55:50

Wow, thanks everyone. I've been having trouble sleeping so woke up at 5am and read your messages which made me feel much better.

I didn't hear anything from the people at the flat, so the hunt continues! Its so hard to find somewhere that I would enjoy living because I want somewhere with people around my age - most people in flat shares are quite a bit younger which just makes me feel worse. Can anyone recommend any good flatshare websites?

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Nov-14 10:20:16

Whereabouts are you, OP? Are you happy living in that area or would you prefer to move back to be near your family and friends?

Could you go away for the weekend?

pickleme Wed 19-Nov-14 10:57:18

I moved here for a job which I couldn't easily do anywhere else - I do love the job and think I could build a life for myself here. But not easy to meet people who are not colleagues.

I could go and visit friends who are near-ish for the weekend.

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Nov-14 11:05:29

Sorry, I didn't mean exactly "where are you?" but more are you in a big city or in a small town? This would make a difference to the kind of things we could suggest.

If I were you I'd be off to visit your friends this weekend - leave home first thing on Friday morning with a bag and go straight to work from your friends' house on Monday morning.

Hughfearnley Wed 19-Nov-14 11:28:39

I haven't been in the same situation exactly but I moved 250 miles for a job after getting divorced at the age if 33. I knew literally no-one and was very lonely
Things I did
On line dating: this was really good fun and I had no expectation of anything. This is definitely the way to approach it. I didn't meet anyone to have a relationship with, but I met someone who became a very good friend (got to know his friends, weekends away with them etc)
Joined clubs - running, walking, Salsa dancing, camera clubs, DIY course etc etc
This widened my social circle considerably but it turned out that Salsa dancing was not for me!

Fast forward 6 years - happily married, 1 DS, wide circle of friends from walking, photography, work, baby group etc etc.

Oh and finally - don't turn down a single social invite for 6 months however unlikely they sound. Worst case scenario you go home early. Best case scenario more doors open!

Concentrate on finding somewhere nice to live and the rest will follow in time. You sound very well adjusted and sensible given the circumstances So in the long run I'm sure you'll be fine!

pickleme Wed 19-Nov-14 12:13:58

Sorry Imperial, I misunderstood! I'm in a city - not a huge one but not small either.

One problem I have is that it is a very very busy time at work for me - but this will only last for another month or so. I'm literally in the office at 7.30am and leave at 9.30pm and work all day at the weekends (wonder why we split up?!). A weekend off would actually be more stressful than working through because I'd be thinking about everything I missed. Also, it would be amazing to be able to move this weekend so I haven't made any plans yet.

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