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What would you do?

(13 Posts)
orandy199 Tue 18-Nov-14 12:07:54

I moved to a different country leaving my husband and the distance took a toll on my marriage so husband and I did our own thing. I met a guy who I developed strong feelings for and have been dating him. He's been urging me to get divorced only to find out on social media he got married which he has denied until a few days ago. Him being a Muslim he's still talking marriage with me. He hasn't really done much of anything for me since we started dating but asks me for financial help every minute. Through all this I 've never stopped communicating with my husband and he has decide to finally come to the uk to be with me and get our marriage back on track. I have no clue what to do

Myearhurts Tue 18-Nov-14 12:35:35

It sounds to me like the new guy is a user. I think he just wants you for money, I'm afraid.

He also lied to you about his marriage, which is a serious betrayal.

I don't see how you can have a future with this new man. I think you should forget about him.

As for your husband, that's hard to say as you haven't really told us much about your relationship. Do you think you want to get back together with him?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Nov-14 12:38:21

He hasn't really done much of anything for me since we started dating but asks me for financial help every minute.

Whatever happens between you and your H, stop seeing the boyfriend.

Wrapdress Tue 18-Nov-14 12:40:30

The new guy sounds like a lying using waste of space.

Since you have an "out of sight, out of mind" type of relationship with your DH, I would file for divorce.

orandy199 Tue 18-Nov-14 13:56:23

My husband was unwilling to pack up and move so we mutually agreed to see other people while remaining married. We do love each other but I think we got married too young and in a haste. I can definitely see my self being with my husband. Me moving away was about me spreading my wings to see what was out there while my husband was more serious and wanted to settle down but I must say I was happiest when I was with my husband.

Fishstix Tue 18-Nov-14 14:10:15

Whatever you do, don't sit and hedge your bets. Decide who you want to be with and make the break with the other. The first guy sounds like a dick, but if you prefer him then it'd be unfair of you to go back to your husband if you view him as second choice.

Fishstix Tue 18-Nov-14 14:11:20

Sorry, mean the new guy sounds like a dick, though your husband also sounds like a bit of a think for not making the move to be with you sooner too. Are you sure you want either? More than two choices here...

Rumplestrumpet Tue 18-Nov-14 14:55:53

It seems like two separate issues to me:
1. You're dating a guy who lied about being married, doesn't give you anything in the relationship and constantly takes money from you. The Muslim point is a red herring - ie even if he was talking about divorcing his first wife, he still seems like a waste of space who is only using you (visa/ILR springs to mind). Why on earth would you continue in a relationship with him?

2. You left your husband overseas to have a bit of an adventure in the UK. He misses you and wants to come and join you. Was the marriage really that happy if you left him to come to the UK? Do you think there's anything worth salvaging? It would be unfair to encourage him to trek over to the UK, only to discover that you weren't actually interested in making the marriage work. Sounds like you need to think about why you left in the first place.

orandy199 Tue 18-Nov-14 15:37:06

Reason I left was I felt like he was suffocating me because I didn't want to give up the partying also he was a bit too controlling meaning I felt I had to ask permission for everything example going to town and if he said no then I couldn't and there was the issue of not talKing to other men I couldnt.. It was like being married to my father. I do love him and think that we can make it work as we are older now. When I left I was 6mths pregnant so we have a 4yr old that he's never met. My mom was single parent and I don't want my son to grow up without a father.

Rumplestrumpet Tue 18-Nov-14 15:54:29

Wow. Is there a reason why he never came to visit his child? I can understand that you were taking time out from the marriage, but why has he never seen his 4 year old child?

Given his controlling behaviour, and his lack of interest until now, I'd be very nervous about starting up a relationship again. What makes you think he won't still be like your father? I suggest you have a very serious talk about expectations, boundaries, etc before he jumps on a plane and expects you to meet him with arms open wide.

I can understand you wanting him to be involved in your child's life, but he can do this without the two of you becoming emotionally involved again. Why doesn't he come to visit his child, no promises of rekindling a relationship with you, and then see how things are when he's here?

TracyBarlow Tue 18-Nov-14 15:58:42

They both sound like bellends. I'd move on completely from both of them tbh.

orandy199 Tue 18-Nov-14 16:16:29

We have talked endlessly about what to expect from each other but I still worry that he may still be that controlling person. We won't rush into anything when he comes it will just be about our son first

Isetan Wed 19-Nov-14 12:24:51

You have gone from one unsuitable man to another, maybe it's time you take a timeout from relationships and assess what your needs are and where your boundaries lie.

You and your H weren't a good match four years ago and there's precioucs little in your OP to suggest thar this has changed.

It's not clear why you didn't divorce earlier, four years is a long time to live separate lives, especially when there is a child involved. I'm sure he's promised much in your endless talks but a man who makes no effort to see his child for four years must be met with suspicion. I hope that a possible relationship with you, isn't his motivation for starting a relationship with his child because you don't want to feel obliged continuing a unsatisfactory relationship out of fear that your child will be abandoned a second time.

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