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Do I stay or do I go?

(9 Posts)
DadofHarry Tue 18-Nov-14 11:02:52

Hey all,

I have an issue and any thoughts or advice would be very welcome..

Here's the facts :

I've been in with my partner for 1 year and 5 months.
We both have children, a boy each of 8 years old. She also has two grown up children, including one grand child.
I have lived with her and her son for just over 1 year (moved in very quick.. I know)
My son is over 120 miles away - I drive down every other weekend and bring him back to stay with me for weekend. We have an amazing relationship.
Her son is severely autistic and has very special needs. I have a great relationship with him.
Until recently (last 3-4 months), my parenting of my son has been questioned and major arguments caused.
I guess you could describe the relationship as volatile - When she is upset about something she will drink which has resulted in in me being thrown out the house far to many times, bad things posted about me on Facebook, she's called the police on me, I've been hit in the face, called awful things, berated for hours, things being brought up from the past - before I met her(!), she's been through my text messages, contacted my ex-gf.. (Geeze.. listing all this out sounds awful... probably because it is!!)

I've now been offered a job closer to my son. Better money, better prospects and in a nutshell, an amazing company. It would be a better life.

I want to up and move to take advantage of this. She initially was all for it too. However, now she doesn't. She wants to stay put because of the issues we've experienced, her family are here, her son is at a specialised school (although there a plenty near the job offer).

She also believes that she will lose her security - her home is a council home, she doesn't work, receives benefits etc. If we move, will have to rent private and obviously need to give up the council house. Things will be tough but I'm happy to do it and make the change..

I have to admit, I despite all the cr*p (listing it all though makes me realise it is abuse!!), I love her.. However, the new job offer is such an amazing opportunity.. it brings me closer to my own son.. brings a better life.. in a better area.. (we currently live in sh*tsville) and I can see all the positives..

Should I go and leave her to her own life... or attempt to talk her round?

My head says take the job and go for the obvious reason.. except my stupid heart says make it work..try.. it even says.. stay.. I know it will hurt both of us if I go with out her..

Oh wise people.. help... advice.. please?

Don't know what to do..

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 11:07:38

If it was a great relationship I would say you need to talk through things and try and work out an agreement.

But you are in an abusive relationship, you are being abused mentally and she has physically hit you. How is she with her autistic child when she is drinking and becoming aggressive?

In my opinion you should take your opportunity to improve you job prospects, move closer to your child, and generally improve your life!

DadofHarry Tue 18-Nov-14 11:17:21

Hi Hermit - thank you so much for your advice.

As a mum she is amazing. She puts her son first always and really does her best for him.

Her drinking is usually caused by over thinking, making assumptions and then it is all down hill from there. She gets angry, needs to say her piece but doesn't know when to stop. It escalates to places it shouldn't go.

KissMyFatArse Tue 18-Nov-14 11:24:32

Move on. Your relationship sounds toxic and bringing you down. Make your life better with your son.

YellowTulips Tue 18-Nov-14 11:33:34

Take the job.

You don't have to end the relationship, but the distance I suspect will give you the space to view it as it is - toxic - and move on (though tbh I would probably end the relationship regardless).

Put your son and yourself first.

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 11:37:11

It's good that she is a good mother, but if her drinking affects her attitude that much I doubt it will only be you that suffers. It's sad if that is the only downside to the relationship, but it's too much to ignore.

I'm a lousy opinionated drunk, my OH knows this, therefore I drink, but I don't get drunk. No point actively doing something that makes you a bad person, unless you feel a NEED, then you have a drinking problem.

I really hope you take the job, opportunities like that pass people by too many times and only lead to regret.

Good luck! x

basgetti Tue 18-Nov-14 11:37:58

You've posted before about her haven't you? She doesn't like your son and has treated him terribly. Start prioritising your child over an abusive drunk and make the most of the chance to move closer to him.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 18-Nov-14 11:39:14

I think you should go, for your son's sake and your own. Time apart from her will help you to see the relationship for what it is. Think of how lovely it'll be to be nearer your son and able to build on your current relationship.

Take the healthy option.

grumpyoldgitagain Tue 18-Nov-14 11:51:17

Take the job, make a fresh start without the abuse

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