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Really difficult relationship with DM

(14 Posts)
Mrsgrumble Tue 18-Nov-14 09:59:23

Long history of problems. DM has depression and a lot of her outbursts etc are excused by dbro and dfather - mum is sick. You do realise she is sick etc regardless of how she criticises and puts me down.

So I pull away from her emotionally, I don't look for anything frm her. She yawns if I tell her good news and loves it if something difficult is going on and wil luring me and be really supportive ?????? I am due a second baby soon and due to complications need a section - she criticises that, says I am too posh to push, I tell her dc1 loved visiting a little baby yesterday 'oh yeah, right, wait til you see how hard it will be'

She is overweight and doesn't work but spends spends spends and yet will criticise my weight. Ten the next day tell me I am beautiful,

It's fucking my head.

There is a lot more to it all, my wedding speech was more about her friends 50th birthday than me as she told dad what to write, she gets 'sick' at every opportunity (never when she is on holiday but if I am- mysterious falls etc, sick for my hen rushed to hospital - was constipation!!!, graduation - poor mum and her pain etc etc )

I can't go no contact bit she brought up several times how I have changed since I got married but doesn't see it's her. Dh is great and talked to her once, she went into a rage and twisted it all. My dad tod me I was ungrateful for all they had done for me.

I don't know why I am posting, it hurts so much. I visit twice a week but I am cool enough with them. To complicate matters a very close friend of mine is also a bit toxic, loves drama and her and my mother discussed the change in me!!

At this point I cut off the friendship. Friend was in shock but I have had it. I still feel guilty over friend who spent weeks putting letters through my door. Telling me I was a hermit. Crying. Waiting in her car outside my house.

I don't know why I attract these types into my life but it has stopped now. Thank god I have dh and children and other friends or I wouldn't be well myself.

Sooty for long rant. I can't confide in my father who I was always close to and dh is probably sick of me going on and on, though he is too nice to say it.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 18-Nov-14 10:16:34

Hi Mrsgrumble,

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope that is going well flowers.

Why can't you go no contact?. What is stopping you?. Genuine questions.

You attracted such friends because you were raised to think this type of behaviour that your mother did was normal and looked for others who do the same as she does.

BTW if your "frenemy" (much better term for someone like your ex friend) is still trying to make contact with you even now, having a word with the police would likely soon put a stop to both her harassment and mind control methods. These types of behaviours should always be flagged up to the police because it is harrassment.

You can further strengthen your own still too low boundaries by not seeing your mother twice a week. Your mother is not on her own anyway and has two willing enablers (your dad and brother) to help her. Such women like your mother always but always need enablers to help them.

I would not let your dad off the hook here either because he has failed to protect you from his wife's mad excesses of behaviour. Like many such weak men he is a bystander who has acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is really her hatchet man who has chosen to idolise someone like his wife at his now adult childrens expense and is probably very similar in personality to how she is.

If you have not yet posted on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread I would seriously consider doing so as you will get support there too.

What do you want going forward?. I would certainly keep your children well away from your parents and their uncle because it will do them no favours at all to see their mum being so badly treated by her own relatives.

Mrsgrumble Tue 18-Nov-14 10:32:25

Thanks for listening meerkat.

Everyone in rl says I am so positive and never stop smiling but they don't know the real truth. I tried going no contact, it broke my heart. My father and brother (and his wife) mean so much to me and I can't do it. She threatened suicide at the time but told me not to tell dad (so was being sneaky) I have since told dad and told him I can never forgive things, that it will hurt me my whole life. My dad said we have to support her. I have a feeling my mum was badly abused. I know she was beat until black and blue daily and she has a temper (though not physical)

She keeps saying how amazing I am as a mother, so gentle and baby is so happy. But then ruins it the next day with horrible comments. Anything good she says runs over my head now.

I cofounder a confidence from somewhere in the past two years, I stand uo for myself with a certain member of senior management who makes snide comments (she also got a shock) and new girls at work think I am really assertive (crumbling inside a lot of the time)

I went for private counselling and it helped a little

Mrsgrumble Tue 18-Nov-14 10:34:48

Found it cofounded

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 10:51:30

I don't have much advice, but didn't want to read and leave. Your mum's mental health is obviously taking it's toll on you and it's unfair. (especially if other's don't seem to see things the same as you)

I have a similar situation with my dad (his actions aren't as vindictive) but definitely narcissistic, make me doubt myself, belittle my achievements yet revel in my mistake and hard times (and only my partner sees it, while to others he is a nice (if somewhat grumpy) old man). Yet I still won't go no contact, he's alone and I don't want to be the one "responsible" for making them or the situation worse.

Anyways - just wanted to share a hug with you xxx

Mrsgrumble Tue 18-Nov-14 11:25:04

Hint it's just a hug I need, very heavily pregnant and a bit emotional today. I know that it won't be solved and I know she is hurting too as she 'lost' me despite all efforts of control.

Luckily mil is a great support. She doesn't know everything but she's no fool and she reads between the lines.

Sorry to hear I am not the only one in this situation. Xx

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 11:40:13

I know how you feel! I'm 8 months pregnant in a week and been having an emotional roller coaster lately, especially with my family!

Hope you can focus on the good people you have in your life, I know it's hard xx

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Nov-14 11:51:28

You escaped, your DF has not. He has had his chance at happiness and a happy family life, and time and again consciously or not, your mum has messed it up. Your DB may have always had a closer relationship with her. Her own unhappy upbringing must have sown the seeds. Your mum is competing for attention with her own children, how sad is that.

Well done barring that toxic friend from your day to day life. She was no doubt shocked but it's up to you who is in your life. Okay we can't pick our colleagues or people in the workplace but we can choose our friends.

That tension you feel about your moher can't be good for you. Lessening contact with your mum will make DH's life easier too.

Amyanne Tue 18-Nov-14 12:06:28

Oh my goodness Mrs, I also posted a thread earlier about my difficult relationship with my mother. It is quite spooky how similar some of your experiences are to mine.

My mum is also really uninterested in big, exciting things happening in my life, i.e. my wedding, pregnancy etc. I found her behaviour actually got worse when I was pregnant. Now I'm pregnant again, it's peaking again.

My mum also had a bit too much of an interest in telling me how to manage my weight, what not to eat, and would criticise if I gained a few pounds or put cheese on my chilli! I've never been overweight and she is, so this is odd?

She was not interested in any aspect of my wedding prep and planning but invited a random family of 4 that she had met on an aeroplane a few days prior to come to the wedding. Not that it would make any difference, but it's not that she had kept in touch with them for a few days and then invited them. She literally invited them on the spot at baggage collection and then gaily informed us of her new friendship and our new wedding guests. WTF. She couldn't understand why DH and I were not agreeable to this and felt we were leaving her out of the wedding. She offered to pay for their meal but couldn't grasp it was not about that!

At my wedding she also told me off whilst I was seated at the top table during my husband's speech (so in front of guests).

She hasn't ever been seriously 'sick' but she'll often have some mystery pain. She once insisted on being rushed to a and e after eating something dodgy. And 3 days after I gave birth she developed (well she claims she had had it for weeks) some mystery pain in a similar area and informed me that she was probably in more pain than I was.

When we have had tense moments/fall outs she has told me not to tell my husband what she has said as she doesn't tell hers and blood is thicker than water etc. etc.

She had a terribly abusive childhood.

She tells me that I am an excellent mother and that I have taught my child so much, but then she insists on telling me this is the way I have to parent and cannot accept me disagreeing. She will go over and over and over why I have to do x, y and z. And then send me very long messages repeating the same thing, with some anecdotal (from her) or made up 'evidence'. Anything that I have said re. parenting (i.e. not weaning at 4 months) is 'just a pile of google rubbish'.

I'm so sorry I don't have much advice as I also don't know what to do, and I've kind of hijacked your thread with my tales but I know that sometimes you just want someone who really understands exactly what you mean to listen to you and share! It's comforting to me to know that there are other people also going through this, but I just don't know where to next.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I am also expecting number 2 smile

FestiveFox Tue 18-Nov-14 12:09:26

if you don't want to cut your mum off completely

why not go minimal contact, twice a week is too much time to spend with someone that toxic, maybe once a month or two a month at most

keep her at arms length emotionally
don't tell her any problems you have etc

interesting she throws the odd compliment around here and there amounst the critical comments
is that to keep you hooked in I wonder?

congrats on the baby
remember you your dh and your dc ar the mist important thing
I worry when your dc get older she will try her toxic way on them so beware

good luck op you deserve more

Lottapianos Tue 18-Nov-14 12:19:31

Oh OP, I feel your pain. She sounds very similar to my mother, especially with the absolutely head wrecking inconsistency - lovely one minute, monstrous the next. It makes you feel like you're going crazy.

You're not though! Its her problem. It sounds like you have a really good understanding of what she's up to and an instinct to protect yourself from her behaviour. Good for you. You do not have to protect her or perform for her or put up with her at all.

I hear you on the no contact thing. Its not a step I can take right now either. I would suggest reducing contact though. I am very low contact with my parents and much better for it. Cut twice a week down to once a week, and keep cutting down from there as much as you want to. Be prepared for the guilt - you have been conditioned to think of her first and that will take time to change. Hang in there - I really do promise you that it gets better with time and with practice.

It hurts OP. It hurts like hell. She's your mum and there are still things that you desperately wish you could get from her. Letting go of the hope that she will change and will become a loving mother is so incredibly hard. You can do it though. You did it with your friend (and well done for that), although I know that this is much more painful. Keep posting. And I cannot recommend professional help enough - I have been in therapy for the past 5 years and I am becoming a different, much stronger, much more contented person because of it.

Mrsgrumble Tue 18-Nov-14 16:22:58

thanks all,

Writing this has definitely helped me an awful lot. I went for a lovely drive ith baby today, had lunch out and bought a few treats for my hospital bag so I am feeling a bit better.

I am go it to delay going to see her until much later in the week. I manage it, but I will never solve it.

Sppokily similar is right amy I wonder what causes it ? So hard

Mrsgrumble Tue 18-Nov-14 16:23:52

.. and lotta

Amyanne Fri 21-Nov-14 06:21:57

I have started reading up on stuff that people on here and elsewhere have suggested. I'm thinking mine maybe has Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But I really don't know.

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