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Did/does this man fancy me?

(53 Posts)
camra Tue 18-Nov-14 08:35:17

During my marriage (am now separated for a year, no dcs), there was a man I really liked/fancied like mad but as married did nothing about it. I am 28 and he is 38 -not that that matters I suppose.

What with the separation and the turmoil it caused me, I tried to put him at the back of my mind.
I recently saw this guy while out and about and as he is single and I am single I want to see him again.

I never saw him unless with my ex-dh in the club we drank in but I just want to know, do you think he likes me back?

These are just some of the things he did while I was married to my dh:

When talking about me to my dh, he would refer to me as 'your beautiful wife' on more than one occasion.

I was -not anymore- a bit plump and when he and two women were in the club and the women slagged off a fat women walking past, he made comments about 'pot and kettle' to them as in don't be so rude while I was in earshot. These women were his friends.

My ex liked to 'jokingly' put me down and he would often be supportive of me if I defended myself as in 'you tell him'.

On one occasion, I had gone outside the club to make a phone call and he came out to smoke so I talked to him instead, I was a bit upset over something and he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. He asked me again a few minutes later I told him nothing and he got quite annoyed with me and said, 'go make your phone call then'. It was only later that I realised that he had not had a cigarette while I was with him.

He once kissed me on the hand when nobody else was about.

He saw me once and I did not see him and he was deeply apologetic (more than actually necessary tbh) as he thought that I thought he did not see me and he had not said hello.

I don't know; I would like to see him again but don't want to make a fool of myself if the feeling is not mutual. Given the above information, do you think I've got a chance or is he just being friendly?

HumblePieMonster Tue 18-Nov-14 08:47:35

Sounds like a predator to me. Enjoy the attention but don't take him seriously. If he fancies you, nice men will fancy you too.

camra Tue 18-Nov-14 08:52:52

In what way is his behaviour predatory?

Optimist1 Tue 18-Nov-14 09:01:03

Sorry, OP - I can't see anything significant in your interactions with this man. (I don't see anything predatory in his behaviour, though!)

camra Tue 18-Nov-14 09:12:44

Well that's confusing. One poster says predatory, other sees nothing in it at all. Lol.

iamsofuckingfurious Tue 18-Nov-14 09:15:47

I don't see anything in his behaviour at all either. It sounds like normal to incidents which you have read more into because you fancy him and hope the feeling was reciprocated.

Vitalstatistix Tue 18-Nov-14 09:19:00

he sounds a bit creepy to me.

the getting narky and the hand kissing - creepy. The 'your beautiful wife' - bit patronising imo.

the rest of it, if you hadn't mentioned those, I would have said it sounded like someone being polite and a nice person but did not really scream 'attracted to you' to me.

camra Tue 18-Nov-14 09:21:49

I guess I am just looking for signs as I was married to my dh at the time and never saw this guy without my dh being present, too.

It's not as though he'd do anything directly to let me know he liked me given that I was married to another guy who may have hit him at the time. So I suppose I'm just looking for signs given the constrained circumstances.

I'm curious as to how some find his behaviour predatory and others see nothing in it, though.

Vitalstatistix Tue 18-Nov-14 09:31:08

Nothing wrong with hoping for signs.

You probably need to actually ask him if he'd like to have a meal or something though.

Because 'signs' are, as you can see right here, nothing at all.

Someone sees the sign of a predator, someone sees no sign of anything and someone sees signs of him turning out to be a bit of a creep.

You see what you want to see/hope to see/expect to see and what similar 'signs' before actually turned out to be! I have known a hand kissy, compliments the man on his wife (like she's his property! Nice car there, mate) and he turned out to be an oily letchbag with questionable views on women. So when I see handkissy - I think creep.

Joysmum Tue 18-Nov-14 09:33:04

With so much communication being body language and expressions, we are missing a big chunk of info.

camra Tue 18-Nov-14 09:33:33

Basically, if I had been single and he'd been single, I wouldn't even be looking for signs; he'd have asked me out if he'd liked me. End of. But I was not single at the time.

Not really sure if getting narky is a bad sign in itself; if you like somebody and you sense they like you back, it's natural to get a bit narky if they don't share what is wrong with them if you've asked them several times and they won't spill the beans.

Stupidhead Tue 18-Nov-14 09:35:34

So your ex has hit this guy in the past? Are you interested in this bloke to get revenge or make your ex jealous? I don't see anything in what he's said or done to make me think he fancies a relationship with you at all. And also the pot/kettle comment, if two girls made a fat joke about another girl and he said pot/kettle then he means that those two girls are hardly skinny and have no right to make fat jokes - not because you were there.

wideboy26 Tue 18-Nov-14 09:39:57

If you know this man's social habits, make sure you're often around wherever he hangs out. If he's interested, he'll soon notice you and with increasing contact one thing may lead to another. I don't think his behaviour predatory for what it's worth.

Vitalstatistix Tue 18-Nov-14 09:41:52

Not really. You don't have the right to someone's personal information or to badger them for it or to throw your dummy out if they do not do what you want them to do. Asking repeatedly when someone has clearly indicated that they are unwilling to share information shows that you feel you have a right to it and/or that you don't respect their boundaries or choice to not share.

The non bad sign thing to do would not be to basically have a strop and sulk but to say ok, fair enough, but if ever you do want to talk, please feel free. Anything you tell me will go no further.

murphys Tue 18-Nov-14 09:42:50

Sorry OP I think you are reading too much into this. These things that you have mentioned, I would quite honestly not even remember happening, as they aren't significant things between friends.

But, if you like him, why don't you send him a message and say hi and take it from there.

I don't see it as predatory behaviour either though...

Twinklestein Tue 18-Nov-14 09:45:04

I don't see predatory behaviour but I don't see a huge amount of interest either. Some is totally normal, some a bit flirty, neither really tell you anything.

The only way you're going to know is by following it up in real life.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 18-Nov-14 09:45:37

I don't care about him and the 'signs' - I am thinking you sound vulnerable and you're just out of a marriage that sounded dreadful.

Be kind to yourself and if you do decide to date, go slooooow smile

So what are you going to do about it? If you like him, why not ask him out?

Lovelydiscusfish Tue 18-Nov-14 09:49:55

Have you got a means of contacting him - mobile number or email or something? If so just send him a message seeing if he wants to meet for a drink. His response will tell you whether he likes you or not.
Or does he still go to the same club? If so, you could just go along and get chatting to him, and let him know you are single now, and see if anything develops.
I'd got for the direct, asking out approach myself, though. At worst he'll be flattered but not interested, and at least you'll know for sure. It's better to regret things you've fine than things you haven't done!

camra Tue 18-Nov-14 09:50:07

No he's never hit him! But clearly if a man makes it clear that he fancies another man's wife, there is the potential of a fight.

As for the defending me against my dh when my dh 'jokingly' put me down, well most men (only some) are too cowardly and won't even get involved when the woman is being physically attacked, not that my dh ever physically attacked me, so, you know, most men would just say nothing when a man jokingly made these comments.

I don't know; but you are all right; the only way I can know is by approaching him in some way.

Those women were skinny, by the way.

HumblePieMonster Tue 18-Nov-14 10:30:18

I am 28 and he is 38… things he did while I was married…When talking about me to my dh, he would refer to me as 'your beautiful wife' …he would often be supportive of me if I defended myself…I had gone outside … he came out …he asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. He asked me … he got quite annoyed with me …kissed me on the hand when nobody else was about
Older. Approaches a married woman. Positioning himself ie declaring an interest in you ‘your beautiful wife’, supportive. Follows you outside, doesn’t get the attention he wants, gets annoyed. Makes approaches when alone with you.

Predator. Sleazeball.

Don't take him seriously. Some men do this all the time.

camra Tue 18-Nov-14 11:28:20

'Your beautiful wife' could just be him trying to be all gentlemanly, though.

Supportive of me could just him being polite and nice to me.

Kissing on the hand? Hardly a sexual gesture, I thought that was just that he liked me as a person.

Perhaps he does like me in a good way, then again, maybe not. Maybe he is a predator. Anyway, guess the conflicting views here means that I'm going to have to get out there and see for myself. Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that and I'd hate to be looking back not having taken the chance now that I am free to do so.

Thanks.

pompodd Tue 18-Nov-14 11:58:11

"No he's never hit him! But clearly if a man makes it clear that he fancies another man's wife, there is the potential of a fight." hmm

The fact that you see relationships (and men) in this way is a bit strange.

KimHollywood Tue 18-Nov-14 12:03:45

I'd do like others have suggested, send him a text. I think men can be quite straight forward, so if you ask him out for a drink it should become clear if he likes you.

The pot/kettle comment confuses me. It would only be a pot/kettle thing if the women slagging off the overweight woman were overweight themselves confused

GoatsDoRoam Tue 18-Nov-14 12:06:49

Do you like him ? For who he is?

Or are you just looking for validating signs that someone out there thinks you are a fanciable?

Honestly, I think you are obsessing over not very much at all, out of loneliness and a bit of insecurity, perhaps. There's nothing wrong with that -- most of us have been there -- but these are not the harbingers of a nice solid healthy relationship.

Focus on building a life for yourself that you love, for now. You don't need a man in your life, and if a man likes you he will ask you out. This man is not asking you out. And if you were certain that you like him (whether or not he fancies you), you would ask him out. You are not doing that either. Neither of you likes each other enough to make a move. So move on, put your focus on other things. And if you want to focus on men, focus on the ones whose actions show that they want to spend time with you.

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