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24 years married with EA. 16 months counselling. I'm done. What now?

10 replies

Funnyfishface · 18/11/2014 00:54

I have posted before.
I'm still waiting for h to leave. He has given notice to our tenant so it will be January.
He has been offered a place on a DV programme which also starts January.

He is in denial. He doesn't want anyone to know that we are separating. I have told him straight without being mean or cruel that I cannot offer any hope that we will work things out.

He swears he has changed. And he is acting very differently. But for me it's all too little too late.
He is very jealous and a couple of things have happened this weekend which make me feel a bit uneasy.
I have my phone on silent in the house as he tuts and moans that it is constantly going off. Yesterday he went out of the room but was watching me through the glazed door. I picked up my phone and as he came back in he said 'you don't have to hide the fact you are on your phone. It doesn't bother me'. Then ' I think it's an unhealthy obsession you have' etc.
I just said it doesn't affect you at all and I would prefer it if he didn't make comments.

Today one of our male friends called round to drop something off at the house. I was home with DS (19) . H was out.
When he came in the first thing he saw was the thing that friend had dropped off. It was like a fog coming down. His manner completely changed. I could see he was jealous. Then I got silent treatment. Eventually he asked how friend was. Then he went and asked DS how was friend. To check I hadn't been alone with him.

Just to clarify we have been together 24 years. I have never cheated.

It's driving me mad.

2nd dilemma - Xmas. We all every year go to my parents. Obviously h isn't invited. Ds1 (24) has gf and likely spend it with her. Ds2 (24) w not leave his dad on his own. The thought of not being with my sons is awful but I don't want to give h any reason to think we are a couple.

Advice please and sorry it's long

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/11/2014 09:15

January sounds a long way off given the atmosphere you're describing. Sympathy. You mention counselling but have you started the ball rolling with the divorce? Might that make things a little more real for him and cut through the denial?

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Funnyfishface · 18/11/2014 19:07

Yes cogito January does seem a long way off.

Generally it's ok. He is being very nice 90% of the time. But it's not real.
No not started ball rolling with divorce. Saw the solicitor and that's it really.
Got advice.
I feel back in limbo.
I know he is hoping that I will change my mind. I still feel responsible for him. But I'm angry more than upset. Angry that he didn't try when we started the counselling.
I'm just struggling with the Christmas situation. I don't know whether to go to my parents on my own.
It's just all a mess.

I feel useless and a bit stuck

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/11/2014 19:16

If I were you I'd get the divorce process started in earnest and have the courage of your convictions. He may be driving you mad hoping you'll change your mind but, by being non-committal yourself and putting on a pretence for other people, you're rather encouraging those hopes and also adding to the limbo feelings.

Have you told friends and family yet or does the fact that you haven't started the divorce mean you're keeping it all under wraps?

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Funnyfishface · 18/11/2014 19:55

Family and friends all know yes. I have been honest with everyone.
He doesn't want anyone to know.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/11/2014 19:56

You don't need his permission to end this and move on properly

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conway · 18/11/2014 20:42

I have started divorce proceedings but a very long process so may be best for you to make a start. I has taken me 2 months to get him to sign the divorce petition . My hubbie is in denial and pretending everything is ok and been a better dad than he has ever been. I am still determined to go ahead with the divorce. Christmas is always a problem but I am happy to pretend everything is ok for my boys and tell them after christmas. ( I am getting good at pretending)

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Funnyfishface · 19/11/2014 08:20

I have decided to go to my parents at Christmas. If my sons want to come too then great if not I understand. But at least then I'm not playing happy families and giving him any wrong messages.

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suelachman1812 · 19/11/2014 08:29

You can trust yourself. You already have by making the decision to go to your parents for Xmas. Trust your common sense in everything you do, that is always the way forward.
It is nice for people to hear us when we have something on our minds but I know that when I don't pay too much attention to what is going on in my head, my common sense tells me what to do.
You know that is true because you have already followed your common sense. Keep doing the same

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KouignAmann · 19/11/2014 08:55

You could be me four years ago. But my DM invited STBXH as he spun her a sob story. I had to say it was him or me to get him to back down. This year let go of the urge to gather everybody together and look after yourself. In a couple of years it will all be behind you. Wishing you Strength!!

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Funnyfishface · 19/11/2014 16:39

Thank you so much for the replies.

All the time I have been thinking I'm protecting my DS when in fact he is living this bizarre situation. I need to really get a grip and move things along now.