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Husband gets annoyed if I don't want sex

(62 Posts)
Fandangos Tue 18-Nov-14 00:23:48

I have this issue constantly. Basically, if I say I'm not up for it, he throws himself around in a huff and sighs and will be in a foul mood with me and the kids.

I have a 7 year old and 3 year old twins. I worry about things like money (we all do) and I'm a stay at home mum. I find it hard to want sex. Sometimes I get on with it and end up enjoying it. Often, I feel cheapened.

We have sex roughly once or twice per week, but this changes when he's gone in a huff, because that's just a massive passion-killer.

His reaction in itself puts me off. I've been completely honest with him. Even telling him that sometimes I have sex with him when I don't want to. He just says he can't help his reaction.

I love him, he's a good Dad and husband and I fantasise about us going away for a weekend, no kids...and having sex.

What can I say/do to help him realise his behaviour is unfair. Do I need to take up drinking to get through it?!

YonicScrewdriver Tue 18-Nov-14 00:26:40

Ask him why what he wants is more important than what you want?

Can you make the weekend away happen?

flapjackattack Tue 18-Nov-14 00:30:38

He can't help his reaction? He can't help his feeling perhaps. But he can help a tantrum. Be very clear that his childish behaviour hardly helps him to be considered in the light of an adult sexual relationship.
Working at a relationship does need both parties to be open to compromise and honesty. I don't see alchohol as helpful. Some frank talking perhaps

AnnieLobeseder Tue 18-Nov-14 00:40:45

Have you asked him why he feels entitled to your body?

If he says he doesn't, and just wants to "be close", ask him if he thinks sex where only one person actually wants it and the other is under duress has anything to do with love, intimacy or closeness. If he has considered that it is far closer to rape than making love.

He needs to rearrange the way he thinks in a serious way, and a short sharp shock of you telling him that his behaviour is harassment and any resulting sex is assault might make him wake up.

Of course he can help how he reacts. He's not a child.

I'm sure neither of you like to think of his behaviour as sexual abuse. But it is. You've said yourself that it makes you feel cheapened. And if you tell him this, and his reaction is to get hurt and angry instead of mortified about how he is making you feel, then that tells you all you need to know. He doesn't care how you feel, he doesn't care that you feel violated. He only cares about his feelings and it's all about him. Having to drink to put up with sexual assault from your DH is not remotely healthy in a marriage. Surely you see that?

Ihatechoosingausername Tue 18-Nov-14 03:12:16

Ask him to dress up for you smile

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 18-Nov-14 04:01:23

Don't have sex with him unless you want to. By giving into his sulking you've taught him that this is an effective way to get sex. If you don't like the behaviour , ie , the huff , don't reward it. Huffing should mean no sex. At all.

simontowers2 Tue 18-Nov-14 04:46:14

LTB

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 18-Nov-14 05:24:53

"His reaction in itself puts me off. I've been completely honest with him. Even telling him that sometimes I have sex with him when I don't want to. He just says he can't help his reaction."

Do you see how awful this is? He wants to have sex with you when you don't want to have sex with him. What does that sound like?

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 08:08:13

He is being very immature. If he started having one of his childish strops and you said "Oh ok then!" why would he want to have sex with someone who doesn't want it. That's using you as a toy/tool, not wanting intimacy with you.

I can understand him being upset if he is being turned down a lot, it can knock people's confidence. But you need to tell him that his strops make you feel like it is all about him and his needs (which is true) If he knows you are stressed and it's affecting your chances of being in the mood, he could do nice things to relax you before hand, (massage? I don't know) not just want sex, then be in a mood and make you feel even less likely in the future.

whatisforteamum Tue 18-Nov-14 08:22:44

my DH did this to me when i lost my sex drive a few yrs ago.I told him his anger outbursts put me off him.He would be really nice before the event then talk down to me the next day or the same eve like clockwork.No one wants sex with an angry or rude person.I didnt have sex with him for months at a time as i felt used.
i agree the whole huff thing does make you feel less like it EVER.

Lweji Tue 18-Nov-14 08:25:26

Been there. It's an exH. Sorry. sad

It's sexual abuse because you end up feeling that you have to have sex in order to keep him happy.

You have explained things to him, so not sure what else you can do about it.
He doesn't love you, because he doesn't respect your feelings or your body.

Fandangos Tue 18-Nov-14 08:35:23

Thanks for your replies. I don't believe drinking will help, just a dry joke. This morning he wasn't talking to me. I asked him to get the twins dressed and his reply was, "I don't really feel like it, but I'll try", said in a very bitter tone. Obviously meant to refer to my "I don't feel like it" from last night. I will take onboard your comments about it being abuse. I do find it hard to face that fact.

HumblePieMonster Tue 18-Nov-14 08:45:51

So he equates sex with childcare? Or the household chores?
If you feel cheapened, you can be sure its abusive.

Mugg1ns Tue 18-Nov-14 08:55:19

Does he understand why you don't feel up for it ? Often when people post the same problem of their husbands not wanting sex, their threads descend into all kinds of assumptions about porn, affairs, prostitutes and death-grips.

BertieBotts Tue 18-Nov-14 08:57:37

It's abusive behaviour, for sure.

The more he behaves like this the less you will desire sex with him, too. We put ourselves at risk (of pregnancy, injury) when we have sex which means that it's imperative we feel safe. Usually we don't think about it in such overt terms but it's sort of instinctive.

carlsonrichards Tue 18-Nov-14 08:57:49

Of course he can help his reaction, he is an adult. You shouldn't have to ask for help with his own kids. That's his job as well as yours.

BertieBotts Tue 18-Nov-14 09:03:35

I really doubt this is a standalone issue, too. What's the rest of your relationship like? How much does he take responsibility for housework and childcare? What's he like when you're ill? Does he get on with your family/friends? How supportive is he of your career/hobbies/plans? (I realise with 3 young children these may be on the backburner but how does that compare to his?) How does he speak to you in general, how do you handle disagreements? What arrangements do you have over money?

You don't have to answer all or any but as thinking points - this is rarely an isolated issue.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Nov-14 09:30:06

Looking after everyone else's needs is exhausting. If your H says not all his needs are being met maybe his needs are too numerous.

I worked with someone long ago who used to grumble it would be so nice if just now and then his DW could actually get the DCs off to bed early so he and she could enjoy more time in the evening together. When I asked him why he couldn't sometimes give her a hand and sort out bath + bedtime he looked at me like I had two heads.

You say he is a good dad, and I am sure you are a great mum, meanwhile if he expects sex no matter how you feel it can feel like just another task on the checklist.

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 09:34:30

I asked him to get the twins dressed and his reply was, "I don't really feel like it, but I'll try", said in a very bitter tone. Obviously meant to refer to my "I don't feel like it" from last night.

THAT is abuse. No ifs or buts.

Having sex isn't a fucking chore (but he isn't half making it into one!)

If it was me the next time he wants sex, I'd have a strop, just like him. Sod him.

He thinks the sex his just for him, like he thinks getting the children ready is for you. He sounds like a pig. Sorry.

TheHermitCrab Tue 18-Nov-14 09:35:37

is just for him*

Wishtoremainunknown Tue 18-Nov-14 09:37:25

That is vile. A decent person would be horrified if they knew their partner was having sex with them when they didn't want to.

I'm speechless. What a horrible horrible man. Why does he feel entitled to sex ?

cerealqueen Tue 18-Nov-14 09:49:49

He sounds like one of these men who feels entitles to sex just because he's married, and that part of your role is to service him in that respect.

He can help his feelings, because deep down feels that he is entitled so makes his displeasure clear to you that you aren't being a good wifey. The fact that he accepted that you do it while not wanting to is proof of that. He doesn't care that you do it while not wanting to.

His comment about dressing his children - he is the child here.

You need to have a serious talk about how vile his behaviour is. But I worry that he doesn't care, a good husband would be horrified if his wife was having sex because he pressurised her.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 18-Nov-14 09:51:50

It sounds like it's less about wanting to be close to you and much more to do withhimand his ego.

YonicScrewdriver Tue 18-Nov-14 09:52:18

Ok, that's pretty horrible because it shows he sees sex as a task you do for him and him getting the kids ready as a task he does for you.

NewEraNewMindset Tue 18-Nov-14 10:01:20

From reading your replies it looks as though this has now become a spat where he resorts to sarcasm and niggling you with his words and you feel rail roaded into sex and generally harassed by him.

I think you need to take a deep breath and decide how you are really feeling about your husband right now. Do you still love him and want to be with him? If so then do you think your lack if libido is purely hormonal or if he helped you more with day to day life do you think you would feel more cherished by him and thus more passionate towards him?

I know when I'm harbouring a resentment to my DP I shut my feelings down completely. I don't want him to touch me at all. It would make sense to me that if a relationship was breaking down and instead the couple were bitching at each other then the last thing that would be on the woman's mind would be sex. We just don't operate that way!!

If you do love your husband and really want to make the marriage work then I would recommend trying to get some couple therapy so you can actually talk without worry of an attack. He certainly doesn't have the right to demand sex, so trying to nag you into it is hugely counterproductive.

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