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I don't find my DP attractive anymore

(87 Posts)
freshlycutgrass Mon 17-Nov-14 22:17:36

In a nut shell, after several years I've come to realise I no longer find my DP sexually attractive and it's making me so sad.

I'm a very sexual person and a passionate frequent sex life is extremely important to me. There's always been a slight mismatch in this department but I've coped, however now I find myself not even wanting to make love anymore as I simply don't get turned on by my DP. I still feel horny on a daily basis, but just not for my DP and I'm ashamed to admit, more often than not I prefer to 'spend time alone' as at least in my brain I can have the exciting and passionate sex I crave.

The chemistry has never been fantastic, but now that the visual turn on element has gone for me, I just don't enjoy it that much anymore. The love is there, but there's a blockage in my brain that prevents me letting go and releasing the sexual pleasure side, often resulting in very mediocre and unsatisfying sex, at least from an emotional point of view and physical side too, sometimes.

Much of it stems from my DP letting themselves go, where I still make a significant effort to keep in shape and look my best. I've tried my best as delicately as possible to make my feelings know without hurting feelings, and I know the message gets across, but nothing happens.

I have to avoid looking at my DP naked as it's more of a turn off than a turn on, which again makes me sad. I know this must mean I'm very shallow, but I can't help the way I feel.

I can't pretend everything is ok, and the severe lack of quality sex is slowly killing the relationship. I guess I just want my DP to me more sexually aware. It's not that I can just ask for more sex, as I know I'd get it, but it wouldn't be the horny, let myself go stuff I want as I can't switch off my disappointed feelings. Also, despite trying, the technique is not very good even after instruction.

Dunno what answers I'm looking for, other than I know I'm not satisfied and really sad that I don't have the passionate feelings I want and feel I should have.

LadyBlaBlah Mon 17-Nov-14 23:05:13

You don't have to stay with anyone.

If it is no longer working for you, you can have an adult conversation and be honest (not brutally - no requirement to hurt feelings) and walk away. That, is no crime.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost Mon 17-Nov-14 23:10:41

I was always under the illusion that you love people who they are not what they look like, but perhaps I'm nieve

Ihatechoosingausername Mon 17-Nov-14 23:24:44

a passionate frequent sex life is extremely important to me

Good luck keeping that up forever

Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 23:30:29

Yes, you're shallow.

VanitasVanitatum Mon 17-Nov-14 23:35:10

If you look at your dp and all you can think is they let them self go then that's not love. Save him or her the misery of living with someone who judges them on their appearance and leave.

Pastmyduedate0208 Mon 17-Nov-14 23:40:11

Blaming your dp for letting themselves go, complaining that you don't find them attractive and how sex is on the top of your priorities are rather vile traits to have in a partner too.
You'd be better off without each other. Your dp may find someone who finds her attractive because of what's inside, and you will b free to spend more time wanking ;)

badbaldingballerina123 Mon 17-Nov-14 23:50:05

Attraction isn't a choice. The Op is NOT a shallow person for no longer feeling sexually attracted to a partner who's let himself go. A sex life is important , and its impossible to have good sex with someone who you find unattractive. I think it's the dp who's being unreasonable. Why wouldn't you want to make an effort for your partner ?

Op it might be time for a more straightforward conversation.

flapjackattack Tue 18-Nov-14 00:19:31

'Despite instruction'. Yuck. You seem to want a partner to look and act one way. Yours. People change, if you are shallow enough to only care for a persons looks you will be continually disappointed.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 18-Nov-14 00:21:58

Attraction in a genuinely loving relationship shouldn't be about body shape, surely? That's so.. Sad. What about all the changes pregnancy causes? What about a man who goes bald?

Drumdrum60 Tue 18-Nov-14 00:25:45

I'm presuming you are watching too much porn?

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 18-Nov-14 00:31:21

Her partner hasn't gone bald. He's let himself go. That could mean he's put on a stone , or five stone , or stopped washing. Either way she's no longer attracted and I find it quite worrying that she's being told she SHOULD find him attractive. There's nothing wrong with the way she feels.

Does anyone actually find men who've let themselves go attractive ? I don't.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Tue 18-Nov-14 00:36:12

I used to fancy my old partner madly even though he was essentially overweight and very ordinary looking. I loved him and he was incredibly bright, gifted and witty..that helped I suppose.

scallopsrgreat Tue 18-Nov-14 00:37:57

Why do you think it's a woman posting badbaldingballerina123? <taps nose>

LineRunner Tue 18-Nov-14 00:38:53

What instruction?

scallopsrgreat Tue 18-Nov-14 00:40:19

I think you are talking about your DP in a vile manner, OP. As if they are just there for your sexual attraction.

LineRunner Tue 18-Nov-14 00:40:27

I assumed it was a woman at first and decided it was probs a man posting at the technique/instruction bit.

scallopsrgreat Tue 18-Nov-14 00:42:21

Indeed LineRunner!

scallopsrgreat Tue 18-Nov-14 00:42:50

I think the OP is being less than honest...

Wrapdress Tue 18-Nov-14 00:45:11

It is a legit reason to end a relationship. I don't think it's shallow. It may be an excuse for a bigger problem, but either way I don't see anything wrong with ending a relationship due to lack of attraction.

honeycrest Tue 18-Nov-14 00:48:31

hmm I'm sure having your partner look at your naked body with disgust and being instructed on the best way to satisfy them is a huge turn on. I feel sorry for your 'D'P

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 18-Nov-14 00:50:04

I think the OP is female and her partner is female. Either way/anyway why make it such a big deal - why not just say he/she fgs.

Set your partner free to find someone who loves them.

Someone who isn't as shallow as a puddle.

King1982 Tue 18-Nov-14 00:50:08

I think you have to be honest with your DP. Attraction and love comes in many types and one of those is physical. If you were posting about how you used to love their work ethic/drive but they had completely changed and given up. Then this would be more palatable to some posters.
I think physical attraction is important and a very legitimate thing that can effect a relationship. I don't know how I would tackle the issue though.

Levismum Tue 18-Nov-14 00:54:25

I think it's very narrow sighted to think you will be attracted to someone forever.

My Exdp put on an enormous amount of weight, about 5/6 stone. Became a couch potato. Physically struggled to have a physical relationship with me. Really let himself go.

I've been pregnant 5 times. Given birth 4 times. But I'm still the same size/ weight as when we met. I look much the same apart from extra wrinkles!

I tried so many different tactics to get him to look after himself. Healthy meals, family walks, bought him new clothes, ran him baths when he wasn't washing enough...

Ultimately it didn't work. So I had a choice. That is all you can do in the end, put up or shut up, quite literally.

badbaldingballerina123 Tue 18-Nov-14 01:02:48

Well , it's mumsnet and the majority of posters are women but I don't think it's a gender issue. If the Op was a man he's entitled to feel that way just as much as a woman is. I think some posters don't understand the difference between sexual attraction and love. They are two very separate things.

The Op has stated that they love their partner and they miss the physical aspect of their relationship. They've posted on here for advice and been told they're shallow and vile. Nothing is said about the partner who's aware of the problem and does nothing about it. Personally I think that's pretty selfish.

Nobody should be told who or what they should be attracted to.

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