Would you leave your DP?

[sandra159]

Lived with Dp for a year, 10 y old and 6 yr old (mine) live with us and 12 yr old lived with dad. All was well and the two youngest loved him. Eldest was always a bit funny but we put this down to age and being alienated by his dad. Eldest recently left his dad but refuses point blank to come live with us, hates dp for no reason. Calls him all sorts to me and won't see reason when I try to discuss it with him. We've suggested days out, spending time together and taking things slowly, no go... Thing is, both youngest are now catchin on an in turn starting to be funny an nasty to dp, it's awful to see. We've sat down and spoke about it and they just shrug it off, say they hate him and all sorts. I feel like we've taken a massive step back and for no reason at all.
Eldest has told me he wants to live with me but "not if he's there"
Makes me so sad that I'm looking at no alternative than to leave DP. He's lovely and makes me happy. He makes such an effort with the kids. It's just not fair.
Have I really no hope of turning things round?

[gamerchick]

Really tough one unfortunately.

I told the husbsnd that we wouldn't last if the kids didn't take to him. Luckily they did and still do.

Maybe half way? Stop living together and keep your relationships separate bearing in mind that kids grow up and leave home.

I don't like the idea of being held to ransom by kids because it never ends.. what does your dude want to do?

[sandra159]

I haven't told dp what DS said.
everyday I feel horrible, if I left I don't think dp could afford the house alone.
I'm hoping it's a phase DS is going through and will grow out of it but how long is a piece of string?

[Sickoffrozen]

Very tricky one. What's the back story? How long were you split before new man came along?

[gamerchick]

You need to talk to your bloke. It's too big a thing to keep to yourself.

[Catzeyess]

Do you have any idea what their objection is?

If it were me I would have a heart to heart with them and really try and understand what the problem is? It might not be a rational reason but I can't believe there is no reason

[sandra159]

It's not so much the younger two, they are simply seeing what oldest does and follows suit.
Eldest just hates him, he hates the rules of the house, even simplest like removing shoes in the front room, dad didn't have rules and so he struggles, ignores me completely and then when dp has a word DS just blows up. It's at the point now where DS won't even come round if "he's" here. No one else has a problem with house rules. DS is very defiant and has had problems at school, again, I'm putting it down to pre-teen yrs. I remember what I was like at his age, hated the world.
Just feel so sad for Dp.

[TeaForTara]

Where is your eldest living if he has left his dad and won't stay with you?

[Catzeyess]

Such a hard situation :(

My instinct would be to take eldest out for some mum son time and gently see if he will open up about why he is so angry. I would hold off defending dp and just listen to him. See what happens.

There could be so many things going on, anything from feeling disloyal to his dad or pushed out (if the others are fitting in fine) to just typical teen feeling misunderstood. Him feeling listened to (even if you don't agree with him - just acknowledge his feelings) might help him to process everything and then he might be more accepting of your dp.

I dunno I'm not an expert but that would be my instinct