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moving on

(7 Posts)
ConfusedNC Mon 17-Nov-14 18:59:06

Been strange few days. Been to first mediation session. Found out indirectly who xhtb is seeing (tho don't know for how long). Then met a very attractive man through work which made me feel very single and out of practice and clueless.

It's the dawning realisation that if I don't want to be alone forever then I'm going to have to do it all again. Whereas ex has moved on without feeling a thing.

Feel really vulnerable. And bit stupid.

This gorgeous man I met I imagine knows how attractive he is. He was looking really intently at me but it is probably how he is with all women. Just felt bit stupid. Like I have no idea if I'm attractive or not.

Last time I was single I was in my 20s and confident. I'm now a 40 year old single mum, who's had stuffing knocked out.

This man is irrelevant other than how the encounter made me feel. (although he invited me to a social event so may see him again). It just made me feel really out of touch. Like how would I even know if a bloke's interested in future and I don't know how I 'rate', like where should I be setting sights. Makes me sound shallow. I'm not. I'm so the opposite of vain I just feel clueless.

flapjackattack Mon 17-Nov-14 19:46:49

'Setting sights'? You deserve to be with someone who will value you, be supportive of what you want. Don't rate yourself anything other than amazing.

ConfusedNC Thu 20-Nov-14 22:34:48

Flapjack thank you. Wish I could feel amazing. I know in my head I've come through last few months with strength and I hope some dignity, but I just don't feel good about myself. I feel utterly bereft. I've been lied to and used for over ten years and bullied and...well I've written a ton of threads. I just feel like the more I cling to me and trying to do their right thing, ex treats me like a mug.

He's got ow in my house now. Might even have introduced my son to her. He just lies and lies.

And here I am, alone..without the confidence to think anyone new even likes me let alone being interested in anything more. Every time I meet someone new, and I mean colleagues or anyone, I end up thinking I've made a twat of myself for no reason at all.

Ex has taken so much from me and still is.

Don't know how to get confidence back.

suspiciousandsad Thu 20-Nov-14 22:40:45

I hear you.

Not too dissimilar to where I'm at. (Also started mediation this week, STBXH cheating and lying).

I have nothing constructive or helpful to say, I'm sorry, except you are not alone - despite being in a lonely place.

We'll get there.

Tobyjugg Thu 20-Nov-14 22:46:04

Take it slow at first. If this guy invites you somewhere go. Remember, this is just a bit of fun. Take it slowly. Don't look to recreate the emotional relationship you originally had with your ex with the first guy you meet. It will get easier, (or that's what friends of DW tell me). Confidence does not vanish. It can be pushed behind a curtain but it can be lured out front and centre again with time and practice. Fake it until you make it as they say.

bloomingheather Thu 20-Nov-14 22:53:55

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through Confused - it sounds horrible. I broke up with my ex-partner very suddenly this time last year and even though we were only together just under 2 years and I know it is nothing like your situation, I completely identify with how you are feeling. I ended it after discovering something I couldn't forgive but it was such a sudden ending and I felt all adrift and completely lost as a result.

I have been trying to start dating again in the past few months - I desperately want another relationship and feel incredibly lonely at times. I do feel stronger and overall, much better than this time last year, but my experiences so far have made me realise that I have completely lost my confidence and like you, feel totally vulnerable and clueless about how attractive I am and how to know if men are interested (think it's so much harder as you get older and people have, understandably, more baggage and are not as confident as they perhaps were when in their 20's, and the signals can be a bit more subtle - don't know if that even makes sense - am rambling now!).

I have been trying to explain how I feel to my friends for ages (they are all happily married or in relationships) and when I read your first post, I thought, that's exactly how I feel! It's horrible, but keep plugging on. Have faith. (That's what I tell myself!)

ConfusedNC Fri 21-Nov-14 17:34:53

Thanks all. Feel bit better today. Been baking cakes with ds for his nursery 's fayre.'re right about faking it. I'm so good at it from being grounds down quietly for years. Only those closest would know the truth. Everyone at work thinks I'm super confident. I'm just desperately paddling away underneath smile

Blooming.. I think it felt sudden for me in weird way. Knew it wasn't healthy or good relationship for long time but kept hoping. Then when end came, the anger and cruelty from him has just left me reeling. I've felt more concern dumping bfs when I was teenager than xhtb has shown. One minute I'm doing all normal stuff and next he's moved on, I'll never see any of his family again (mostly not a loss) and some other woman is there instead. It's a weird grief. Some of his family I've been fond of. Only year ago I was planning and hosted xmas for them all. Now it's like they all died overnight.

As the amazing wellwhoknew to keep on keeping on and yes I guess we'll all gets there. Thx for support flowers

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