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What to do?

(10 Posts)
eeyoreandpooh Mon 17-Nov-14 17:03:46

I have posted a few times about my stbxh, we have a rubbish arrangement where he lets me know the beginning of each week(if I am lucky!) whether he would like the children Saturday,Sunday or not at all, as the months have gone on I have started telling him they are busy one or the other day because they are - I can't wait for him to decide what he is doing and the children have activities they want to go to. Christmas has been mentioned, he couldn't make a decision so I told him to let me know ASAP what he wants, as he couldn't decide I suggested I would like them Xmas day but he still couldn't decide. Now, I am still waiting, I am tempted to just email and say the children are with me Xmas day and free for him to see if he wishes on Boxing Day, can I do this? I am afraid of his response(he was a bully and ea which is why we left) I had the children last Xmas,he decided he wanted to spend boxing day with them. It's not the fact he may wish to have them for Xmas day it's the fact that he hasn't bothered to let me know either way, I am expected to just wait and wait til he decided what he wants - it's very annoying and unfairangry any advice appreciatedsmilethank you for reading

Foreverblue Mon 17-Nov-14 17:17:34

Hi I just wanted to say I was in a similar situation with my ex..I think you need to take back some control here..tell him what days you would like him to have the children and for how long etc..if he doesn't like it well that's tough..I would also get some legal advice and see if you can get court directed contact set up..it's a very unfair situation for you and your children..everyone needs a routine and to know exactly when they are going to see their dad x

peachgirl Mon 17-Nov-14 17:30:22

You've given him multiple chances to get his act together on this. It might be worth writing it all down/recording it in some way as a back-up, in case your fears do come true and he tries to bully you over it. You could then say, "well I originally asked you about it on [this date], and you said you needed a few days, but you never got back to me..."

Keeping a diary like this would also help if he gets nasty about access to your DC (i.e. claiming you're stopping him from seeing the children), and the police/SS have to get involved. Dates when you offered for him to see the children, dates when he actually saw them, how long his responses to your communication re:children took, and how much advance warning you got each time he decided he'd have them.

He can't keep messing you and your children around. Honestly, and I'm sorry to say this, it's very clear that he doesn't prioritise the children in the same way that you do. Xmas day with you, and Boxing day with him, sounds like a more than fair arrangement to me. At least you know that Xmas day with you will guarantee your children an organised, special day.

eeyoreandpooh Mon 17-Nov-14 18:08:40

Thank you for your replies. I have a diary especially for him with all the conversations and dates he has and hasn't seen the children, everything I have offered etc, it's all logged all be it in note form. I can't afford to go to courtsad I am slowly trying to take control I just find it hard because I am afraid(still) to really stand up to him, although you have both confirmed I am not being unreasonable over Christmas and the whole set up as it is is rubbish. He just will not comit to anything, even when I try to hint at a solution he just refuses to set anything firmangry I will arrange Xmas though - it's about the children after all, no, they do not come first with him everything else,including himself,is his prioritysad off to compile a polite but firm emailsmile

peachgirl Mon 17-Nov-14 18:56:38

YA absolutely NBU about any of this! You're doing all the right stuff by the sounds of it, so well done you. I wish you and your children a very happy Christmas smile

eeyoreandpooh Mon 17-Nov-14 19:06:07

Awww,thank yousmile you toosmile

Foreverblue Mon 17-Nov-14 19:10:04

I totally understand where your coming from..I split with my ex 5 years ago and went through at least another 3 years after that putting up with his crap..not sticking to arranged times, cancelling at the last minute, trying to bully and intimidate during the handovers etc x it's awful that your still afraid of him x have you considered contacting women's aid for advice?

eeyoreandpooh Mon 17-Nov-14 19:18:16

I am slowly learning how to deal with him, I have received so much help and advicesmile everyone is saying the same thing but it's easy for them to say when I am the one that has to do - it's ridiculous to still be afraid of him when he can no longer touch me, it's the mind games he plays - he is very goodsad

Foreverblue Mon 17-Nov-14 20:14:21

It's not ridiculous at all to still be a bit intimidated..as long as you have lots of supportive people around you to help you cope with the mind games..they are the worst!
I really do recommend women's aid..they made me realise that these types of men follow a very similar pattern of behaviour..it's almost like they have a script! And knowing that makes it easier to stand up to them x
It takes time and a lot of support to get your confidence back x they'll also give you good advice about arranging contact x

eeyoreandpooh Mon 17-Nov-14 21:08:18

Thank you,I will contact themsmile

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