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Past abuse & Aunt.

(12 Posts)
why1989 Mon 17-Nov-14 16:18:53

I've name changed for this.
The only person who knows vaguely about this is my sister.
I cannot remember my exact age or how it first started, but I was in primary school when my aunt started abusing me. She was in her teens at the time and used to make me kiss her and touch her inappropriately.
I never told anyone up until telling my sister last year. I thought it was a normal way to behave as she told me it was a "game". I learent that what she did was wrong & the abuse stopped.

I blocked it out anyway & was very frigid and wouldn't Dare kiss a boy until the age of 15, and even then it scared me shitless.
I always put it down to my aunt being a lesbian and wanting to explore to confirm this (unlucky for me)... until 3 years ago when she got pregnant from a brief fling.

Now here's why I'm bringing this up... she has a daughter and I have just had a daughter myself. She has seen dd a few times and the last time mentioned her staying over night when she's a bit older. She has never ever mentioned what went on back then and probably thinks I had forgotten about it. Of course I don't want her staying but I feel that my family may find me unreasonable if I say no and question my reasons for this.
The last thing I want is to rip the family apart but at the same time this will not go away. Is her own child a risk? Was what my aunt did a huge mistake or something she still does? From th outside she seems like the last person to do such a thing especially now she has her dd. I hope this reads okay but it's kind of all just blurring out.

makeitabetterplace Mon 17-Nov-14 16:25:01

I think you need to report this in order to protect her dd. this is likely to be tough for you and you may need support professionally. Please don't do nothing and potentially risk another child.

why1989 Mon 17-Nov-14 16:31:08

Who would I go to? And would they have to pass on my name??

why1989 Mon 17-Nov-14 16:33:05

I feel sick. The police or SS I mean.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Nov-14 16:34:41

What your aunt did was totally wrong as well as being a complete breech of trust. Abusers come in all shapes and sizes and they can be female too.

I would urge you to talk to NAPAC in the first instance as they may well be helpful to you. Their website is

why1989 Mon 17-Nov-14 16:38:50

Thank you. I will have to call tomorrow as dp is home now and doesn't know. I think I'll need to tell him at some point though.

makeitabetterplace Mon 17-Nov-14 16:42:27

Yes, tell your partner. You have my sympathy. The police and social services need to know.

why1989 Mon 17-Nov-14 16:48:59

It's always caused me embarrassment, not because of what she did but because she's female.

Sandthorn Mon 17-Nov-14 17:11:43

Ugh, you poor thing sad Doesn't matter whether the abuser is male or female, straight or gay... You shouldn't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed for anything in your childhood, and most certainly nothing that was done to you! angry But that's the abuser's best tool for keeping your mouth shut.

It isn't up to you to shield your extended family from something she did, and there's no reason in the world why you need to put your daughter in her way.

solidussnake Tue 18-Nov-14 11:37:51

Every time I see threads like this I can't help but want to know how to deal with something silimar, although it never happened to me, rather my DP. His uncle did exactly the same and more to him and he's never told anyone other than me. He is embarrassed and ashamed too but he bottles it up. He says it will tear the family apart. the eldest brother will kill him for what he did. It's better off secret in his eyes. But since being told, all I want is to tell someone, or for him to tell someone. their are children and his children are the same age as when the abuse started with my DP. But The abuser was a teenager at that point, too. Someone needs to be told in both instances, you cannot keep it bottled up forever.
you have my complete sympathy, OP. I hope everything goes well. xx

Vivacia Tue 18-Nov-14 12:43:39

But since being told, all I want is to tell someone, or for him to tell someone.

People disagree with this, but I think that you must defer to the survivor's wishes on this.

AnotherStitchInTime Tue 18-Nov-14 19:02:13

I think you need to tell someone Why. You are not it alone, there is a lady called Michele Elliott who talks about the hidden nature of female sexual abuse. Video here. Her book here. The most common female sexual abusers of children are their mothers.

If you don't feel strong enough to report it officially yet please at least speak to someone about what happened to you. The Survivors Trust might be a good place to start too.

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