Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Best all round, or crazy idea?

(19 Posts)
wewillmendit Mon 17-Nov-14 14:42:44

So, h and I have known for a few months that we are separating.
Due to DD's health, we have remained living in the same house, fairly amicably.
It has been decided that I will move out, and, providing dd continues to recover as she is doing at present, we will have shared care.

There are no guarantees re DD's recovery, so our onward move is going to take a lot of consideration. She has mobility problems, and when her pain is bad she is unable to manage stairs.

There is a house for rent a few doors away from current house. I know the layout is ok as same as ours. H and I can share the load with dd, continue to attend her health appts together and see her every day.

She has friends in the street who she sees regularly out of school, and I have friends here too. I am worried about the effect on dd, would it be too strange for her knowing that if she looks out if her bedroom window she can see the other house where the other parent is IYKWIM.

However, would it be too close? I'm not thinking of this being a long term plan, and I realise that if one of us met another partner that things would need to change. Not that that is on the cards for me for a long time.

So, opinions please.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Nov-14 14:46:36

Is it currently unbearable and awkward?
It seems odd to move out with all the expense and it only being a few doors away, when what you are currently doing is working for you.

I think it might be quite comforting for your DD to know you are so close by if you do need to move out.

wewillmendit Mon 17-Nov-14 14:50:08

I feel like h is slipping back into pre split behaviours, controlling and bullying of me.
I see what you mean re expense and things working, but I would move eventually as I don't want for dd to think that this is a normal relationship, whatever that is!

ginnycreeper5 Mon 17-Nov-14 14:53:40

I'm confused.
Are you moving out and leaving DD - with your husband? Or is DD going with you (her mother)
How old is DD?

wewillmendit Mon 17-Nov-14 14:56:40

DD would be coming with me. She is 9.

ginnycreeper5 Mon 17-Nov-14 14:59:14

Phew... I thought you were talking about leaving your child, as well as your husband
(men do that all the time, so it should be okay for women to do it), but I suppose it's more difficult to get your head around:- the thought of a mother leaving her child. hmm

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 17-Nov-14 15:02:52

If he is a bully and a control freak, I recommend getting further away than the same street to be honest.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Nov-14 15:15:36

With the extra info I agree with funky
He'd be round all the time, still controlling, still pushing.
I don't think you'll last long that close by, before you want to bop him one.

wewillmendit Mon 17-Nov-14 15:16:45

ginny no where have I suggested that dd would stay with h, in my op I mentioned shared care. If your post was genuine concern that I was leaving her, then fine.

Funky I see what you are saying, he is passive in his behaviours, as in he does not come across in public in that way. When I have explained to friends some of them have been surprised.

ineedabodytransplant Mon 17-Nov-14 16:43:07

If he's a bully and a control freak how will you ever move on (if and when you're ready to, of course)?

I've read on here where some ex-partners still try and control their ex even when they live miles away, so if he lives almost next door I can see misery

wewillmendit Mon 17-Nov-14 16:44:46

I feel like that now Hellsbells wink
I just want things to be as ok as possible for dd. I have arranged a viewing but obviously I don't have to make a decision straight away.

ineedabodytransplant Mon 17-Nov-14 16:45:44

Apologies Funky and Odds, I wasn't trying to ignore or steal your thoughts blush.

I wrote my post but forgot to send it and then just clicked send a moment ago.......grin

ineedabodytransplant Mon 17-Nov-14 16:46:32

And hellsbells

I give up grin

Quitelikely Mon 17-Nov-14 16:50:12

I think it sounds like a great idea. It's workable and sooo convenient! It's just a house, nothing permanent and should you wish to move in the future then all should be doable

Castlemilk Mon 17-Nov-14 17:33:28

Stupid question probably - as I'm guessing that the answer is that Mr. Bully Boy won't - but why isn't he moving out, so that two people, one of them with significant health problems, don't have to?

wewillmendit Mon 17-Nov-14 17:36:01

That's right castle
But that's fine, he is welcome to his precious house. I'll be the happy one.

wewillmendit Wed 19-Nov-14 00:32:04

Talk about tempting fate, I had arranged to view the house later this week. Received a call from the agents to cancel as an application has been made.

Also, and more importantly, I think DD's pain is increasing sad
She has just settled to sleep. True to form, h was useless, sharp with her in the few minutes he spent with her whilst I grabbed something to eat.

Am in tears, how can I leave and allow him to have care of dd when his parenting skills and attitude to her illness are so appalling?
It doesn't matter if I am a few houses away or across the world, he isn't going to change from being the selfish bully he is now, even towards his daughter.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Nov-14 09:18:25

Did he agree to 50/50?
If you don't want that then you can get some legal advice regarding becoming the resident parent.
Start keep a diary/log of all the instances where he is impatient, nasty and bullying to you or DD.
Times, dates, things said and done!
Your poor DD. She has enough to deal with.
Keep going and keep strong. Take the action YOU think is best for your DD.

Stripyhoglets Wed 19-Nov-14 09:28:29

You don't have to agree to 50/50 if that's not what's best for your DD. You say he is bullying and controlling so maybe you have been pressured into it. If he can't cope with her illness then he shouldn't have her half the time. If you are happy to leave the house then that is fine, is it owned? Just make sure you get your share of the equity if it is. Hope you fond somewhere soon, and yes keep records of how he can't cope.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: