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Help me. My MIL is a narcissist.

(8 Posts)
uptheroad Mon 17-Nov-14 13:58:41

My MIL is an ignoring narcissist mother to dh. She is extremely mean, cold, condescending and she plays mind games with dh. He spends quite a lot of time feeling anxious/guilty about her. In the last year we have decided to have minimal contact with her which helps. She doesn't even seem to have noticed this but continues to exert her control over dh with messages from his sisters, long periods of ignoring etc. DH tries so hard not to let this bother him but it does. I hate her so much and really need advice on how to control this emotion and also how to be more able to reassure dh that it isnt his fault she treats him like this.

Quitelikely Mon 17-Nov-14 14:02:36

IME there is absolutely nothing you can do to change who she is or how she is towards your dh.

Are the sisters favourites of hers?

uptheroad Mon 17-Nov-14 14:07:34

Yes. One is the favourite and she has a totally different opinion MIL. This really confuses dh and makes him wonder if he's got it wrong. The other sister is also treated badly by MIL but has a good relationship with dh (which MIL seems to find disconcerting).

Quitelikely Mon 17-Nov-14 14:30:08

Well I feel truly sorry for the favourite I really do. Imagine all the things she must do in order to keep in the good books! So stressful!

The only useful piece of advice I have is to tell dh he isn't the problem. His mother has issues and unfortunately she is projecting them onto him.

Meerka Mon 17-Nov-14 14:36:32

Suggest that you encourage the good relationship with the other sister. it's not exactly surprising that the favoured one sees her mother as much nicer hmm

You could try reading Toxic Parents, it's very revealing. Your husband might or might not like to read it, if not you can kind of drip feed him some of the concepts in it.

the sisters are being flying monkeys when they convey messages. Can your husband ask them to mention their mother a bit less? Or say 'if she wants to send me a message she can do it directly".

uptheroad Mon 17-Nov-14 14:45:37

The favouritism causes problems between dh, non favourite sister and favourite sister. The main problem though is the guilt dh feels because of his of his negative feelings towards his mum. The book sounds useful thanks as I really struggle to understand their relationship.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Nov-14 14:49:11

THIS often comes recommended.
Would he read a book if you got him one?

Meerka Mon 17-Nov-14 16:01:20

it might help if your husband is able to make time to speak openly about the situation, specially with the unfavoured sister. The best way to cope with someone who plays favourites is for the siblings to unite.

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