Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Pregnant/hormonal and struggling to deal with my dad... WARNING... lot of rambling!(8 Posts)
I have posted before on here about my possibly narcissistic dad, and golden child thing he seems to have with my older sibling.
I'm doing my best to resign myself to "he is what he is" but I'm 31 weeks pregnant, hormonal, and I think I just need a rant/hug/reassurance!! I'm going to be ranting a lot here :/
Few things have been getting on my nerves about him lately:
- I see him regularly, more than once a week, either for errands or to pay him a visit (I mentioned previously despite his issues he regularly helps with DIY or lifts as I don't drive..etc, so he does help and I really appreciate it)
- I've had a few complications with my pregnancy, appointments and emergency hospital visits, all have always been OK in the end and pregnancy still going OK. On my most recent visit I asked him if he could rush me from work to the hospital as they had a bed ready for me, which he did. When I was out I had texts from a friend who knew I'd gone in. My partner's parents were ringing and checking on me and him, asking if we need anything. I heard nothing from my dad so eventually called him to say I'm out of the hospital, got medication...etc And he just says "OK" and nothing else.. so I'm like "ok then bye..."
- Been thinking a lot lately about my degree, I completed a degree in business and management, while working full time, and all I got was "your brother didn't do a degree, was no point, he was too clever for the tutors", "A load of rubbish is this stuff nowadays"..etc...etc I never even went to my own graduation because I felt like it wasn't worth it.
- Just recently I got an audition for a popular TV show, got through the application and telephone process and due to go for a filmed audition in a couple of weeks. So I told everyone, and my dad. Everyone was saying things such as "So exciting!! oooh you'll get to meet so and so...etc"
My dad had heard of the program, but never watched it, so a few days later he said "I watched that program the other day" "It's a bit difficult for you isn't it?" "Well... no dad I quite enjoy it and always do well at home" "Well, home is different, just looked a bit difficult for you, anyway.. I got bored and switched it off so I don't know if they won" "Bit of a waste of money travelling there for an audition when you might not get on" (It's one bus journey into the city centre)
Now I have doubts about even bothering going :/
We've just decorated our babies room, and so we showed it him last time he was round, he wasn't interested at all (So much so even my OH was somewhat annoyed and he's never annoyed about things) and said "Your dad just didn't care did he?"
My OH says I'm my own worst enemy for telling him anything, and he's probably right. My OH's family are so supportive and wonderful, always proud of him, and look out for me, so it gets to me more than it used to when I could pretend everyone's family was like mine)
Then this weekend I was watching the X factor.. contestants parents coming on saying how proud they are of their children, how they always knew they would succeed, hugs and kisses and whatnot for the camera, ended up crying my eyes out, soft git!.
Stupid pregnancy hormones, don't know why I let it get to me. I'm being proper daft aren't I??
(I've probably outed myself with all the info above, so if you know me, that's just tough I guess...)
Congratulations to you on your pregnancy.
This is not just about pregnancy hormones; such issues often come into direct focus when an adult becomes a parent themselves.
I would imagine that you are your own harshest critic; one of many damaging legacies left by such inadequate parents like your dad.
Narcissistic parents often have the golden child/scapegoat dynamic going on. BTW you do not mention his wife in all this, where is she?. The only person your dad really cares about is him.
You do not have to see him as often as you do now. It is not possible to have any sort of a relationship with a narcissist and what you write to me is you as an adult still desperately trying to seek his approval.
He was not a great parent to you and he will not be much of a grandparent figure to your as yet unborn child either. I would stay well away from him now and ask other people to help you instead.
The best thing to do with such a parental narcissist is to live life well and without him in it. He will never be the man you want him to be, that fantasy that you have of him needs to be swiftly jettisoned as of now and he will not change.
I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread if you have not already done so.
And go on the tv programme as well, you are good enough even though you have been conditioned by the likes of your dad to believe that you are not!!.
Hello Atilla, Thank you for replying
BTW you do not mention his wife in all this, where is she? My mum passed away when I was 19 (I'm now 27, moved out when I was 18, moved back once (financial problems), bad idea, left again pretty quick sharpish) It didn't really have an effect on my relationship with my dad, we barely spoke when my mum was around (because of his "bad attitude" my mum didn't like that we didn't get on) We're actually closer now she isn't here, not emotionally, we just talk/see each other more.
I understand he'll never be the person I want, I don't try and change him. I just treat him like I do everyone else, really for my own piece of mind that I am not neglecting him or leaving him out.. he's alone all the time, no friends...etc. I invite him to social events with the in laws, sometimes he begrudgingly comes, and he is a completely different person around them, so the only one who really understands what I'm going through is a partner. The rest of the time I'm made out to be a liar, if you know what I mean.
I just can't help but let it wind me up, can't shut it off
Why do you bother with him? Genuine question, - he is not that interested in what you are doing, where you are going in life, and apart from doing 'dad things' like giving you a llift to the hospital... Why bother? Can't you get someone else to step in where you would normally ask him, and just generally not bother??
I'm not suggesting NC, as that is actually not that easy to do (I know, I'm nc with my own father - and sister) but definitely a cooling off - if he's alone with no friends, it might make him think?
I have a bus pass and generally get around on my own, I only ask him for emergency lifts, or if I had a crap load of shopping (which would usually be a taxi job but I'm really struggling with money at the moment)
The odd thing is.. for instance he will pick me up at work (without asking) if It's pissing it down, as it's a 2 bus journey and a lot of walking (And I'm fat and preggo haha) so it's nice that he does that, but then the whole journey is silent, grumpy, won't come in for a brew, gets angry at the traffic (the kind of attitude you'd expect if he was nagged to do it) Almost like he does it because he "knows" I can't cope.... I don't know... it's strange I can't figure it out.
I don't think the "Alone" thing would bother him. He purposely takes himself out of situations that involve people.
I think you are dependent on his approval, while he prefers to help practically.
Your dp is right, u don't need to tell him everything as you expect a response that will never happen.
Join the discussion
Please login first.