Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When do you say enough is enough

(17 Posts)
Wouldyoulisten Mon 17-Nov-14 10:27:24

Me and DH are at crisis point I think and I just don't know what to do anymore.

We had a big argument on Saturday night, I disagreed with him on something and we argued. despite the fact I disagreed I still followed through with the decision he had made (think DC punishment), he then proceeded to ignore me all Saturday evening sleeping in the spare room and ignored me Sunday morning when we had another argument about him ignoring me and he still gave me the silent treatment until last night when we had a massive row about it all, him saying the silent treatment was because I disagreed and me saying I should be able to disagree, by all accounts it was because I kept on and didn't just accept his decision.

In the row last night a lot of things came up and this seems to be the thing with us, I keep my mouth shut when I don't agree with him to avoid silent treatment, then it gets to boiling point and it blows up and it's about everything.

We seemed to get somewhere last night with me making it clear I cannot deal with silent treatment anymore and he needs to deal with disagreements like an adult, I also need to accept to won't always change his mind on things.
But today it feels surreal I'm very emotional and it feels like there's so much to deal with so much he doesn't like about me and things he does that I don't like.

We've been together 13yrs married for 8 have 3 DC DD12 DD4 and DS2. I don't just want to end my marriage because I do love him a lot but I feel so powerless to fix things.
There's so much more as well money arguments him wanting to save so much me saying we can't it's too much and that's me being negative.

Sorry for mammoth post if you've got this far I would live to hear what others think and have any ideas on how to resolve some of these things.


Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 11:12:54

It's the end when you can't accept how things are now and yet can't see any hope of change (from him!).

Jan45 Mon 17-Nov-14 11:18:17

I could not live like this, it sounds awful and distressing, both for you and your children, if you honestly don't see a resolution it might be time to call it a day.

Wouldyoulisten Mon 17-Nov-14 12:03:27

That's the thing I can't live like this I cannot deal with the silent treatment it makes me feel like he is punishing me for disagreeing with him and that's not what a relationship is all about, well not a healthy one anyway.

The thing is I want us to stay together, I want us to be happy and a strong couple I'm just struggling with how we get there. Is counselling the answer ? Perhaps that would help.

Thank you for your replies it helps to write this down.

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 12:12:04

The silent treatment is a form of control, designed to stop you from disagreeing with him in the future.

You absolutely have a right to your own opinions when it comes to your parenting. If he can't see this you have big problems. Why did you have to carry out the punishment if it is what he wanted to do? Reading between the lines I'm guessing he's stricter than you are. Would you be happy for him to control your children the way he's controlling you? You should never never dish out a punishment to your children that you are not comfortable with. Ever.

If all else is good in your relationship would he consider joint counselling so that you can both learn to resolve conflict in a meaningful way, rather than you being shouted down then being given the cold shoulder anyway? Your current methods aren't fair on you.

Jan45 Mon 17-Nov-14 12:23:06

Not it's neither healthy nor normal, unless your partner is agreeable to admitting his form of control over you is unacceptable I don't see how you get to a happy normal partnership, sometimes you are just banging your head against a wall and it's time to give up and admit defeat.

LubbaWubbaDubDub Mon 17-Nov-14 12:30:31

This is EA. Plan and simple.

Wouldyoulisten Mon 17-Nov-14 16:31:38

I told him last night that the silent treatment is to shut me up and stop me arguing the next time and I will no longer accept that from him, he agreed he would try and stop doing it but I may need to remind him when he does it ifswim.

The thing was infact over a friend of DDs 12, the friend said something very disrespectful and he got very cross and said she had to go home I didn't agree that she should have gone home but because he had already told her I couldn't go back on that does that make sense. The friend of DDs is the DD of a some very close friends of ours and I knew that had I just told her parents she would have been told off so we didn't need to send her away.

I am feeling stronger when I disagree with him, he used to be able to turn things around and make them my fault or confuse me so I wouldn't know what I was disagreeing with in the first place but now I hold my own and make valid, rational arguments and I think this has shocked him.

I make him sound so awful, I have my faults too smile . He is a good man and most if the time we get on so well and out relationship is good but it's these things that seem so big and I don't know how to deal with it. I think perhaps counselling would be the best option.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Nov-14 16:43:00

He is an emotionally abusive individual so no he is not a good man at all. If you think that this relationship is on the whole a good one, I would hestitate to wonder what your definition of a poor relationship is.

I'm afraid that his resolution to try to stop will ultimately fall on deaf ears.
He does not want to stop, he actively enjoys the power he has over you and now you've told him what effects it has on you he will do it even more stealthily. You will get more silent treatment and more emotional abuse on top as well. He will destroy you in the end and such men actually also hate women, all of them.

He does this also because he can and if you're considering counselling do NOT for the love of all that is good ever do joint counselling!.

No decent counsellor would ever sit the two of you together in the same room anyway due to the ongoing abuse he metes out to you. Also such men would likely bamboozle the counsellor and make the whole exercise one in which you would get blamed for it all by him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Nov-14 16:45:26

Your desire to stay together will likely be a decision you bitterly come to regret making as well as destroy you from the inside out. This is really death by 1000 cuts.

He knows full well what he is doing and he enjoys seeing your discomforture and you tying yourself in knots.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing any children unfortunate enough to be caught up in this as well?.

Purplecircle Mon 17-Nov-14 16:53:20

If you both want to stay married and both accept you have faults and will work on them then counselling could help you.

You would hate it if he didn't back you up, just as he hates it if you don't back him up. You could always tell your friend in private that you thought it might have been a bit of an overreaction but it was too late.

If he's prepared to work on the silent treatment and agrees its unacceptable then you can make this work and both be happier. I do think that on MN people are very quick to say its EA and LTB, especially if they have experienced any kind of abuse.

I don't think there is any harm in saying to him that you have thought long and hard about this and realised that you do want to be together but that you can't live with the silent treatment.

SickInBedOnTwoChairs Mon 17-Nov-14 16:54:50

By telling you that you have to 'remind him' to not give you the silent treatment, he is making you responsible for his behaviour in the most manipulative way possible. Please read up on abusers and really try and truthfully see where he lies on the scale. He is one by the way.

Wouldyoulisten Mon 17-Nov-14 17:17:12

Purple - he does agree that it's wrong and he deals with it in the wrong way, I've pointed out regardless we end up arguing even if he ignores me for 2 days, I end up getting so annoyed and blow up at him for ignoring me then we argue and end up talking and trying to find a resolution, so it would be healthier to do that at the outset and not prolong it. Me challenging him has been more recent since I've made a conservative effort not to allow myself to be talked around or confused ifswim so the last couple of yrs.

Attila - thank you for your response but you can only go on what I'm saying, and although this looks like EA I'm not convinced it is because he doesn't realise he's doing it and it is learnt behaviour. I asked him last night how his mum and dad used to argue and he said they didn't what his dad said went there was no discussion his dad was always right . So I can see exactly where he has learnt this from.
He is open to my suggestions when we talk reasonably and will listen to me and acknowledge when I am right when I am right but it's when he thinks I'm wrong and I think he is
Wrong that the silent treatment begins.

One thing I'm really not sure on is how we decide who has the
Most valid point. If we disagree on something how do we decide who is more valid ? I'm not talking opinion because we can agree to disagree but if it's something like Saturday night, he thought she should go home and I didn't how do you decide what to do from there without argument.
I hope that makes sense smile

I have been feeling much better and rational about things as the day has gone on and can see we can deal with this it will be hard but we can.

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 17:21:20

Ok, so he used to deliberately confuse you in arguments now he gives you the cold shoulder because you've become wise to his previous MO. He's holding you responsible for his behaviour by asking you to remind him. I wonder what his next form of manipulation will be now you're wise to the cold shoulder.

He doesn't sound like a very good man

Wouldyoulisten Mon 17-Nov-14 17:32:00

Sickinabed - I've looked at the profile/scale it's not him I can assure you.
He's very supportive, I've recently started at the gym and have gone back to college he has done nothing but encourage me and help me
If I struggle with college work.
DS is not in play school 3 days a week I've said about getting a job he says it's up to me and he will
Support either way, he has never used me not working against me. If I don't get around to doing things I say I will he doesn't bat an eye. I can go out and wear whatever I want (of course) I can spend what I want and have access to all finances.

I can see what you're saying about making his behaviour my responsibility in that respect, but sometimes if something is a habit you may need reminding not to do it. He didn't say it in that it would be my fault for not reminding him but it's his default position and mine is to please, I'm a people pleaser and will do things as to not rock the boat, I've been like this since I was young so it's not because of him and I have to try very hard not to do it and I'm not talking about just in my marriage but also with my mum and dad and sisters and friends, so I get that he may sometimes need reminding that he's doing it.

He isn't a bad man just has faults like all of us do including me.

Wouldyoulisten Mon 17-Nov-14 17:38:00

Windy - he's always given me the silent treatment but it's recently I've decided Im not putting up with it.

I don't think I've articulated myself very well, I'm not defending him he shouldn't do it and it is a form of control but I don't think he does it maliciously. I can be just as bad and called Him a dick on Saturday night and said he makes me feel like shit all the time I was angry so I'm not a saint either.

Pastmyduedate0208 Mon 17-Nov-14 21:10:35

As he has a form for confusing you in arguments (commonly known as Gaslighting a stock abuser tactic) and ignoring you for long periods if time (commonly known as Stonewalling another stock abuser tactic) and how he is putting the onus on you to be responsible for changing his behaviour (in other words it is your fault he is like this)

You will have a lifetime of work in front of you as these behaviours are unchangeable and very very well documented.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: