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Struggling with his ED

(105 Posts)
instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 07:35:48

Its a new ish relationship of about 6 months.

The first few times he had had a tiny bit of viagra, so i was none the wiser to the situation, then, when it became obvious there was a problem, he told me that he has a ' few issues' with it, but that if i was patient it would all sort its self out and would be ok.

I thought it sort of got better for a while, But if anything now we are going backwards.

He is very reserved in bed, its either missionary, while he can hold it, maybe 2 or 3 minutes, which does nothing for me at all and he just looks pained, or, me on top, bouncing on something semi flacid.

He has never orgasamed through sex, he can through oral, but again, his penis is in a semi flacid state and not hard enough for intercourse.

Ive tried to spice things up with various things, stockings, oil, handcuffs, toys. He isnt interested, says he doesnt know what to do, or just says ' thats nice'.

He cant do any other position as he loses it before he is in.

I like this guy, and, all things other than this are good, but my self esteem is starting to take a battering and im so frustrated. I brought it up friday, for the first time, and said that i was feeling frustrated and asked what we could do. He just said that i know he has issues.
I know he wanks daily, sometimes twice a day, and i know he is reluctant to take viagra, and it sort of feels like im not allowed any pleasure.

I was wondering if anyone had any experience of this sort of thing, or if they had any advice.

Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 07:45:28

Has he sought medical help?

Footle Mon 17-Nov-14 07:48:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 07:53:22

He did once a long time ago.
Apparently they said it could be damage from early drug years when he was a teenager, or, it could just be in his head, and gave him viagra which he doesnt want to use.

Part of me wants to say to him to go back to the doctors, as since he can get up it, it cant be physical?

But then another part of me thinks that this isnt my issue to push to resolve.

He could, in part, resolve itwith the viagra, but he doesnt want to as he is worried about side effects. Meanwhile i am left totally unsatisfied. I hadnt said anything to him about it, as i didnt want to put any pressure on him, but im a swinging from the chandeliers type, and its got to the point where im not sure i can deal with 2 mins of missionary a week as my only sex.

NeitherHereOrThere Mon 17-Nov-14 07:55:15

What Footle said. He's probably a heavy porn user as well.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 07:55:24

He is tuned on, he gets hard with foreplay, and then it just vanishes. He cant maintain it.

He doesnt use porn, just wanks twice a day.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Mon 17-Nov-14 08:00:38

You've wasted 6 months with him already, don't waste another minute trying to figure out what his problem is or trying to talk him into attempting to fix it.

He wanks twice a day but can't get it up for you? I'm guessing he's a secret heavy porn user.

Anyway, the problem is him, not you, so dump him and move on.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 08:06:23

We had a quickie last monday. I said to him on friday that it feels like a spark has gone and its more a friends type relationship.

He said ' but there was spark on monday'

I think he thought that was really good, but it wasnt, it was all over really quickly, i didnt orgasm, he did with oral.

So, i sort of feel that if that is what he thinks is really good, then our expectations are way out of kilter.

I would be surprised if he was a heavy porn user, as he is so reserved, and certainly hasnt picked up any ideas from it.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 08:18:51

the other week, i picked him up and was wearing a nice dress, told him i was wearing stockings, and took his hand and put it on the top of my thigh.
He took his hand away, rubbed my leg and said ' nice'

we got home and i expected him to be interested, i expected sex in the hallway, or at least him trying to look. Nothing. I flashed him instead and laughed, still nothing.

we ate dinner, sat down to watch a film, drapped my legs over him, and he just rubbed my knees, nothing.

we went to bed, he was in bed already by the time i got upstairs, i got undressed, nothing. i got into bed and he said he was tired.

And then we went to sleep, well, he exited and went to sleep in the spare room as he cant sleep next to someone.

Its all a bit rubbish.

Footle Mon 17-Nov-14 08:20:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 08:26:24

He spouts things about it causing instant death, or giving him a runny nose, or he doesnt want to take it as then he cant orgasm.

Chrissy41 Mon 17-Nov-14 08:33:57

and you are with him why? I also think heavy porn user - quiet men use it too you know.

TeWiSavesTheDay Mon 17-Nov-14 08:34:28

Does he ever say, we'll it's not going to happen for me tonight, but I can still sort you out?

If no then he's not bothered about you having an enjoyable sex life and you aren't compatible.

Lovingfreedom Mon 17-Nov-14 08:39:17

Don't think he's into it, for whatever reason. The episode with the stockings and legs tells you that. Move on and I'm sure you will find someone who appreciated your sexiness more.

Does he get erect when he wanks? Why is he using up his sexual energy alone, rather than saving it for when he's with you? Surely that would be the logical thing, if he has limited sex drive.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 08:40:51

He does use his hands, yes. But thats it, and, to be honest, when thats all that is on offer, its sort of wearing thin.

Plus, there cmes an uncomftable point where i am all turned on, and i reach for his cock and its just soft. It just makes the whole thing feel flat and i end up feeling disapointed, because, then, at that point i want some sex, but that isnt going to happen. So, we just have to have a cuddle and he askes if i enjoyed it.

I dont feel like i can say, at that point ' no, i didnt, i just want you to fuck me' bearing in mind this is a whole big issue and he told me his ex used to shout at him about it.

Wackadoodle Mon 17-Nov-14 08:43:36

I'm not sure I understand. You mean he wanks twice a day and then tries to have sex with you and fails? Well, d'uh. confused

It's much harder to get it up when you've been wanking a lot, and particularly if you've just wanked not long before.

I don't know about the porn thing - he may, he may not. But it doesn't necessarily matter. One way or the other he choosing to get his pleasure and use up all his potency on his own, and has none left for you. That's not a medical problem, it's just his lifestyle choice. (There may be some medical problem, but there's no reason to think there is while there's such an obvious other reason, and no way to find out until you eliminate that reason).

He needs to stop spanking the monkey so often, and lay off completely for a couple of days before you're going to meet. If he can't do that - or worse, doesn't even want to do it - then he clearly has no interest in having a proper sexual relationship with you and I don't see how it can work.

Honestly? I think you should move on. Life is too short. You'd both be happier with partners who had similar sex drives. Sorry to sound simplistic but this kind of mismatch can grow to something insurmountable.

LividofLondon Mon 17-Nov-14 08:47:06

I'm not one for rushing into a LTB verdict, but cut your losses with this one for the following reasons:

You've told him how it's effecting you and he's not bothered. Selfish.

He has psychological issues regarding sex that you certainly won't be able to fix.

He refuses to do anything to make the situation better (because he gets an orgasm so he's OK). Selfish.

Even if he could maintain an erection, the 2 of you are so sexually incompatible it won't work anyway (you're a "swinging from the chandeliers type" he "is very reserved in bed" .

Happy to have an orgasm bit not interested in your pleasure. He's selfish.

He won't even sleep in the same bed as you. WTF!? So, you can't have sex or share a bed...are you actually in a relationship?!

As you say it's "all a bit rubbish". Don't waste another 6 months on him. You owe him nothing, especially as he's not even bothered about the issue.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 08:49:02

i dont know if he gets errect when he wanks. I havent asked.
I know its very hard in the morning, as thats the only time we have managed to have any kind of decent sex, lasts a bit longer,but again, not ages and he never orgasms.

Morning sex doesnt happen very often though. He says he cant sleep in a bed with anyone. If he has stayed over, he goes off to the spare room. I cant stay at his as ive got dogs that i cant leave and cant take to his.

I dont know why he is wanking so much. habit?

I feel like i dont want to end up in the position, where im running around, trying anythng to get a reaction from him. That way maddness lies and my self esteem would end up in the gutter. But, most men would like their girlfriends to pick them up in stockings, wouldnt they? Its really odd to have a non reaction, but already im questioning myself as to if its me.

Lovingfreedom Mon 17-Nov-14 08:51:58

It's not you, it happened with his last gf too...

LineRunner Mon 17-Nov-14 08:54:50

It's not you.

And many men with ED are able to enjoy satisfying their partners sexually. It just depends whether they want to or not.

23kissesx Mon 17-Nov-14 08:57:59

My best friend wanks 4 times a day he's been addicted to it since he was 17 (he's 24 now). He can't maintain an erection during intercourse and can only achieve orgasm from his hands.. he used to get really down by this and went to the GP. He has come to the conclusion that he "ruined it" for himself because he only enjoys the pressure and grip from his hands that a vagina can never give. He has a huge porn addiction too.

He's a great guy but his relationships don't last very long and I can only assume that that is the reason why. He told me that when he stops wanking for a long period of time, he can maintain erections but sex isn't enjoyable for him.

instantflop Mon 17-Nov-14 08:58:54

No, we cant share a bed. he says he is a very light sleeper. has to have total darkness and total silence. Doesnt like anyone next to him as they are too ' cumbersome and noisy'

I even gave up my side of the bed to help him as that is his side too. Once it was obvious he wasnt getting much sleep, i said to him, if he wanted, he should go in the spare room. He said he had been thinking that too. Off he went, and i went back to my side of the bed. Now, because he has done it once, that is what he does every time he stays over, which is only maybe once a month anyway. Feels like a rejection again, have never come across a man who was like it and who didnt want to be with a woman in the night.

On friday night i saw him. I was cold so he said did i want to go to bed for a cuddle. I said yes, hoping it would go somewhere, but he did mean a cuddle. Even when i got warm and stripped off, he didnt touch me. I was naked, we were spooining, and he didnt touch me.

Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 08:59:11

It's ine thing not to have PIV sex, but to not do enough foreplay and ensure your satisfaction that way means I wouldn't be happy.

For us, foreplay is the main event, we love it.

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