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Afraid to have sex after giving birth

(56 Posts)
blingblingbling Mon 17-Nov-14 02:13:52

Hi, my dd is two months old. My dh has asked me am I ready to have sex. I am a bit scared and unsure. I dont know what to expect. Im being irrational but I cant help it sad any advice is much needed.

chocolatedonut Mon 17-Nov-14 02:33:21

I didn't need any stitches or have any tears after giving birth so we did it after I had stopped bleeding which was at around 3 weeks. I was so scared and very nervous but it was fine and for me didn't feel any different.
For me I think it looks different now but definitely doesn't feel it. I thought I was going to feel nothing.
I felt very relieved after we had done it that first time.
Just take it slow and do it when you feel ready. My DH was very understanding and we just took it at my pace.

PragmaticWench Mon 17-Nov-14 03:07:40

Being scared and unsure doesn't sound irrational to me, perfectly reasonable after you've been through childbirth, either c-section or vaginal. Definitely don't rush into anything purely because you feel you should. Equally it's okay to give it a try, to take things gently, and you may well find that the reality is much better than you fear. If not, stop!

HumblePieMonster Mon 17-Nov-14 07:17:46

I can remember that. Take things slowly.

icklekid Mon 17-Nov-14 07:21:39

Ds is 4 months we started again about a month ago. Can still be painful if for too long- not sure if should be but we take it very slowly. I had stitches, infection and pain for long time so wouldn't have even considered it. When I had my smear test nurse said was still healing internally so probably hence pain...

Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 07:47:41

Have you told him you're afraid and asked for support so you can both work through this together?

When I had issues (not due to childbirth though) my DH was there every step of the way, even came with me to the docs.

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 07:58:55

It's totally understandable to have some fear. Approach with caution, try just having some fun, with no expectation that it will lead to full sex, then see what happens. If you're breastfeeding you might need some help with (ahem) lubrication.

Meerka Mon 17-Nov-14 08:03:11

I know what you mean, in the same boat and shit-scared of getting preg beside, even with precautions. No great advice, just to say that you're not alone!!

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 08:08:12

Also wine (or in my case gin) really helped grin

Quitelikely Mon 17-Nov-14 08:38:00

Totally normal. A glad of wine and asking him to take it very slowly will help. Also prepare him that you might have to ask him to stop if it is very sore.

blingblingbling Mon 17-Nov-14 18:36:38

I am so embarrassed. We tried, and well it didn't work out sad

AnyFucker Mon 17-Nov-14 18:40:03

Why are you embarassed, love ? It's not your fault. I presume this man watched you push a baby's head out of your vadge, so he should be understanding if it takes a while to get back in the saddle.

sykadelic Mon 17-Nov-14 18:42:50

In what way? Are you able to talk about the problem and maybe some of us ladies here have some advice?

A friend of mine waited 6+ months because she was so terrified. Her DH was very supportive of waiting until she was emotionally (as well as physically) ready.

It's sort of like your first time again. You're so nervous thinking it WILL hurt that you're extra tight and stressed. Maybe start with some playing and digital exploration and work up to it?

mouselittle Mon 17-Nov-14 19:07:15

No need to feel embarrassed. It took us 9 months before even trying and it was uncomfortable for me almost every time for a while after. It did get better in its own time. If you still don't feel ready, don't feel pressured into anything.

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 19:14:10

There's nothing to be embarrassed about, your DH must understand that your fanny has been through a lot.

It took me a long while to get back to having PIV sex (over a year, but I had a very traumatic birth), take PIV off the table for a while and be intimate in other ways until you're ready. You'll get there, it just takes time. If you keep pushing it you'll end up tense then it will hurt anyway. Get some lube when you're ready to try again just in case the nerves cause problems.

blingblingbling Mon 17-Nov-14 20:48:21

I asked my dh can we build up to it. He doesn't understand my fear. He's saying a baby is much bigger than him. We tried earlier and I felt like he was rushing me so I felt like I needed to stop.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Mon 17-Nov-14 20:52:05

We started again at 5 weeks, but I found things a bit dry and was quite hesitant. If you want to do it - get some lube to assist and have him lie down so you are on top (so you can control the pace).

JassyRadlett Mon 17-Nov-14 20:53:02

If he isn't willing to listen to your fears and respect the pace at which you want to go, he doesn't get to have sex.

You will reconsider when he shows a shred of empathy.

You aren't required to have sex with him at all, let alone to his timetable and under his terms.

Sorry, OP, he sounds like a bit of a git.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Nov-14 20:54:06

show him this article

is he always a bit erm, dim ?

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:07

Honey you don't need to ask him! It's your vagina that's been through childbirth, if he's any sort of a man he'll wait for you.

I'm sorry, I'm sure he must have his good points but he sounds vile. 2 months is not a long time and he has no right putting pressure on you.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Nov-14 20:56:43

Lovey, I didn't have penetrative sex with my H for a full twelve months with both of my successful pregnancies

Not once did he try to rush me, or pressure me

blingblingbling Mon 17-Nov-14 20:57:26

I dont know, he overall is so lovely and caring. But he thinks its time. And I dont.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Nov-14 21:00:30

It's not up to him. It's up to you. Your fanny, your choice.

If you don't consent, he has no choice but to comply.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Nov-14 21:01:13

What sort of man pressurises a woman to have sex when she doesn't want to ?

Windywinston Mon 17-Nov-14 21:02:09

Well he can fuck off, he didn't have the baby did he! Please don't allow yourself to be bullied into doing something you're not ready for.

You're the mother of his child and he should show some bloody respect. Is he generally so dismissive of your needs?

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