Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Do your mum and your MIL get on? How best to deal with it when they don't?

(27 Posts)
LemonyDrizzleCake Mon 17-Nov-14 01:24:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan Mon 17-Nov-14 04:08:56

Your apprehension probably comes from your mother not being inclined to use you and your DH 'management appeasement' technique on your MIL.

They are both grown ups and it's not your relationship to manage. Would the possibility of your MIL poor behaviour being called out, be such a terrible thing.

FolkGirl Mon 17-Nov-14 05:05:21

Your mum and mil wouldn't be sils, firstly. Do mums and mils have relationships?

My mother was like your mil and my mil despised her. In fact the dynamics were very similar but reversed.

But in the 13 yrs my exh and I were together, they only met once.

Do yours need to spend time together? Even if your mil suggests it, can't you just say, "no"?

Stupidhead Mon 17-Nov-14 05:49:56

I love my MiL, she lives down the road and we're very close. My DM lives nearly two hours away and we've never been that close, I get a lot of emotional blackmail. MiL is working class, DM is a snob. They've met a couple of times and it was all very nicey nicey, very twee and not very natural. If DM phones then she'll ask if I've seen MiL lately then go quiet (sulking) if I have. So yes, they do get on but DM is jealous, MiL gets on with everyone.

kentishgirl Mon 17-Nov-14 07:34:18

I think it#s quite unusual for the Mums to have much of a relationship, unless by fluke they happen to get on like a house on fire as friends anyway, regardless of their kids being together. Your Mum is a bit weird expecting a special relationship and eing disappointed that there won't be one. MILS are not each others SILs, I don't know where she got that from.

I would think many MILS never or very rarely meet. There's no need to push it. If they do meet up, it's not your mums place to judge MIL and it won't kill her to be civil to a family member of your DH. Would she really care if it were DHs cousin, or sister, or something being a bit unpleasant? It's nice that she wants to stick up for your DH. But if she dropped the disappointment about an imaginary relationship it would be easier all round. Right now it's your mum making things awkward, not MIL, but none of you seem to be able to see that?

Wheelerdeeler Mon 17-Nov-14 07:37:18

Why your mother feels cheated is beyond me. My mil & DMV live within a mile of each other. They rarely see each other and get along just fine.

Limit the contact between them.

Ragwort Mon 17-Nov-14 07:38:09

My MIL died many years ago but yes, she and my DM did get on well, they were quite similar people and we'd have shared meals etc at each other's houses occasionally (not all the time grin).

But my previous MIL was a different sort of person and she and my DM never got on at all although they were superficially polite to each other on the very odd occasion that they met - we would never have invited them round at the same time though. Funnily enough years after my first DH and I divorced my DM did meet up with ex MIL through a golf club grin and they actually got on a little better !

Boomtownsurprise Mon 17-Nov-14 07:41:36

Don't see why they should meet much. Mine see each other twice a year. Civil and nice and friendly when they do but no reason they have to be friends. And new sisters?!?!? Seriously got to call your mum out on that. That's fucking weird.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 17-Nov-14 07:42:00

Er they wouldn't be sil's.
your mother sounds odd and a bit of a shit stirrer, whatever the mil is like.

Mrsgrumble Mon 17-Nov-14 07:43:46

I think it's strange your mum thought she would have a SIL?
Mine meet up at christening a etc and are polite and get on but are different people with their own lives

zippyandbungle Mon 17-Nov-14 07:44:08

No particular bad feelings between DM and MIL but no particular relationship either. They rarely meet. They are completely different people and I would be very surprised if they had anything to talk about.

Did your DM mum and mil have a good relationship? Is that maybe where her idea is coming from?

Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 07:44:17

When my MIL was still alive, her and my mum were close.

I think all you can do is point out to your mum that if she thinks anything of your DH she'll put his feelings before her own and not draw attention to her own feelings as this would devastate your DH and ruin not just any current occasion but all future family occasions too for all your family.

LemonyDrizzleCake Mon 17-Nov-14 07:55:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kundry Mon 17-Nov-14 07:58:46

My DM and MIL have met precisely 4 times. I don't really see any need for them to meet again and neither does my DM. They never expected to be friends - is that really common?

LemonyDrizzleCake Mon 17-Nov-14 08:01:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji Mon 17-Nov-14 08:35:30

Don't worry yourself too much at this stage.

If your MIL does invite your parents for lunch, transmit the invitation and let your parents decide what they want to do.

If they do have lunch together, see how it goes. You can use distraction techniques if the conversation starts to sour, keep them at different ends of the table or the house, and, finally, have a strop and tell them to be civil to each other if there's a proper argument. smile

They definitely don't have to become best friends.

BreakOutTheKaraoke Mon 17-Nov-14 08:36:49

I think a lot of the relationship can depend on how close they live. Many Mumsnetters live hours away from their parents, so it's not likely that they will get to see each other regularly. Where I live it's common to stay local, so mothers and MILs are likely to live on the same esate, or at least the same city, so they do get to know each other more.

kentishgirl Mon 17-Nov-14 08:37:41

Yes, you Mum has been a bit odd in her expectations. Why should two completely random women have to be friends? If it happens, it's lovely, but it's not on to expect it, and then cause trouble because it hasn't.

I'm not a MIL yet but if/when I am, I hope I'm not expected to automatically be friends with my counterpart. If we meet and click and become new friends, great. But if she's just one of millions of women roughly my age, I do hope there's no pressure on me to do the things your Mum wants. I don't do lunches and shopping trip stuff with my real sister (although we do get together sometimes), or friends. Certainly not with my SILs or randomers. We don't enjoy 'girly' time stuff like that. It isn't us. Shopping is hell, not a pleasurable leisure activity.

Does your Mum work? Have many friends? She sounds a bit desperate to fill up her time to be so excited about this.

Thinking of my parents relationships with their counterparts: my ex-MIL had zero in common with my parents. They met at child's birthday parties and were always polite and friendly with her, sent her a Christmas card, but never had any other type of contact with her. I thought this was normal? With my sisters PILS again they would see them at family Christmasy party type events, again polite and friendly, Christmas card, nothing else. One of my SILs - met her family once in 15 years when they visited from abroad. My other SIL, yes the parents met more often for family events and even a couple of holidays organised by my brother and his wife. They were quite friendly. Exchanged birthday and Christmas cards. May even have made a few phone calls when people were ill etc. But they never met up without brother and his family. Why would they? Even though it was 'friendly' they weren't each others actual everyday friends.

You have to talk to your Mum. Her expectation was highly unrealistic. And that while you both appreciate how much she loves your DH, and doesn't understand his mother's attitude to him, she'll only hurt him by stirring things up with MIL. Polite, civil, friendly at family events, that's a very positive PILs relationship. That's what she needs to focus on.

Joysmum Mon 17-Nov-14 09:01:45

Oh and if there are any events where you mix the 2 sides, have as many people as possible and prime your mum to sit at the end of a table with you and your DH in the middle.

gamerchick Mon 17-Nov-14 09:09:25

I think mine have only met once at the wedding. My mil Is in her 90s and doesn't go put much these days. I don't think it's common for mils to be friends. I've never heard of it anyway.

needaholidaynow Mon 17-Nov-14 09:12:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GooodMythicalMorning Mon 17-Nov-14 09:15:07

Nope. My dm and mil cant even sit in the same room as one another. Makes birthdays and Christmas very difficult. Its like ours are divorced! One set will leave if the others arrive.

dylanthedragon Mon 17-Nov-14 09:47:46

My DM and MIL are not friends. They see each other maybe once a year, usually for a meal at my request when PIL are visiting, as they are pretty intense and it breaks things up a bit. My mum is great at keeping conversation going and smoothing over MIL's odd comments. DM would never say anything to cause an argument, even if MIL is trying her hardest to take offence at everything said. However she has admitted that she finds being in MIL's company quite uncomfortable (as do I) and wouldn't spend anytime with MIL or FIL if it wasn't for me and DH.

Dumpylump Mon 17-Nov-14 09:53:09

My mum and dps mum have only met once, and my mum didn't take to his mum at all. I don't know what his mum thinks of mine, but as she doesn't like me much, I doubt she'd be thinking positively!
I have thought about it, and have decided that as we're all older, and dp and I aren't planning to marry, we all live in different places, hundreds of miles apart, it doesn't really matter that they didn't hit it off particularly. smile

wallypops Mon 17-Nov-14 10:06:07

This particular subject has been playing on my mind. My mum (step but the only one I've had since 7 yo) is a terrible snob and my future mil was basically a farm laborer. It's putting me off the idea of marriage just to avoid that inevitable nightmare. Sorry to do a me me.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: