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Are anti-depressants the answer?

(18 Posts)
stickydate65 Sun 16-Nov-14 22:39:46

H left me for OW 8 weeks ago after 24 years of marriage. Like many wives I had no idea he was seeing someone else or contemplating leaving me until the day he went! My dilemma is that I just can't stop crying! From first thing in the morning when I wake up and the realisation hits me that the man I adored has gone, to last thing at night when I have to go to bed alone, I cry. I know I am grieving for my loss and my lost future but I can't function in a normal way at all! I cry when I am driving, I cry at work (I've just gone back to work), I cry whenever anyone asks me how I am or rings me up. My GP offered me antidepressants but I declined because I have never been one to take medication, but I am wondering now if I should have said yes? Can they really help? Will they stop me crying? I never thought it was possible that one person could cry so many tears, is it healthy to keep crying like this to get it out of my system? or will taking ad's just put off the grieving I have to do? What experience do others have of taking ad's?

FolkGirl Sun 16-Nov-14 22:47:40

ADs won't stop you feeling and they won't delay grieving.

They just make your feelings more manageable so that you can function day to day.

They could help you.

Sorry you are going through this. It will get better x

holdyourown Sun 16-Nov-14 22:49:23

thanks
sorry you are going through this
I think the crying is normal and is part of the grief - you will eventually cry yourself out and move on to the next stage. I was offered ADs after exh left and said no, which I'm glad I did- not saying there's anything wrong with them, it's just that it wasn't what I wanted and it was understandable I was upset/depressed in the circumstances. Those feelings were just a phase I went through (seemed to take ages at the time) What did benefit me also was to keep a journal and to talk things through with a counsellor and on MN

OraProNobis Sun 16-Nov-14 22:56:39

So sorry you're going through this - it's hell at the moment, of course, but it will get better. Meantime you cry and cry and it seems neverending - it's your mind's way of working through it I think. ADs might help - they helped me through a very tearful time when I couldn't leave the house for crying but I think
I got a bit over-reliant on them. Either that or I really was depressed for three years!
I say give them a go but do understand that they're not instant. Good luck and please know that all shall be well in the end

Charley50 Sun 16-Nov-14 23:01:29

Sorry for what has happened to you. I don't know the answer but I've booked an appointment with my GP as my relationship has been breaking down for a few months now and I'm crying all the time like you. I've never taken antidepressants before and am a bit wary. A friend took them just for a few months to help her through the first few months of a break up.

Cabs1 Sun 16-Nov-14 23:07:44

I am in a similar position - but a couple of months on from you. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, crying all the time. So I went to my GP and am on antidepressants and I think they are helping me. They took a little while to get used to (I was really lethargic in the first week and felt quite spaced out) but since then I feel better, and eating again and being more positive. Hard to know how much of this is the ads and how much is just time passing and moving through the acceptance phases of this. But I saw them as another tool to help me cope.
They do stop the anguish and the crashing lows. I can't actually burst into tears anymore (I can cry and be tearful but not the deep sobbing). I can still think clearly and be me though so I do think they are helping.

Mumtobenovember Sun 16-Nov-14 23:08:39

You poor poor thing, I'm so sorry for you- you must be going through hell.

I have been on antidepressants and also anxiety tablets (diazipam) when going through grief.. Really helped me

avocadogreen Sun 16-Nov-14 23:09:59

It's still very soon, and it is a grieving process. Have you thought about counselling? I have had it before after a bereavement and it really did help.

After my exH left I considered antidepressants but I decided not to as I had them after my mum died as a teenager and did not find them helpful. I am still thinking about getting counselling though, it's just a question of finding the time with 2 young children.

You will get through it... lean on your friends, plan trips away... it is my friends that got me through it and 8 months later I am coming out the other side.

isaacandelodiesmummy Sun 16-Nov-14 23:13:17

So sorry you are going through this. I don't really think you are depressed, you are grieving so I wouldn't necessarily take AD tablets. The tablets work on chemical imbalance. If you do think it will help, go for it. Sending hugs

hungryish Sun 16-Nov-14 23:36:37

Crying is absolutely normal.

Allow yourself to do it. Indeed allow yourself to feel all your emotions.
Keep a journal, try and write down exactly what you are feeling. It will become your friend and sanity.

Overcoming these events takes self awareness and time. ADs don't really do that.

Cry, write and talk. Best therapy.

WellWhoKnew Mon 17-Nov-14 08:32:07

15 years married, left six and a half months ago.

It took around 3.5 months before I stopped crying everyday and started to just relax here and there.

I didn't take ADs but actually, it's something I regret. I've never been one for medication either, but I think in these circumstances they should be considered.

Also anything that makes you sleep as I didn't sleep for months, it seemed. And that made everything so much worse.

It does get easier though, I can promise you that.

Cry your heart out now at some point the tears, and especially, the body-wracking ones just stop of their own accord. It truly is one day at a time.

stickydate65 Mon 17-Nov-14 17:28:05

Thank you for your thoughts. It's not that I am looking for a 'quick fix' to my heartbreak, I just have never felt so low and lonely in my life. I don't want to cry every day. I have seen H on a few occasions since he went, trying to sort out finances etc and I wish I could be strong enough to look him in the eye and tell him exactly what I think about what he has done to us, but as soon as he arrives I start to blub and don't stop! I guess I just have to let time take it's course and 'bed down' for the long winter! Maybe I will emerge in the spring a new woman! I appreciate all the support on MN I feel 2 months in that I am starting to get on my friends nerves! I can't help but feel what a wasted life my life has been! Loving a man that never really existed.

PoppyField Mon 17-Nov-14 19:31:54

Hi sticky,

Sorry you're having such a hard time. It is awful. Don't blame yourself or your judgement - I have beaten myself up over that one and I look back and think I made sane decisions based on the evidence you have before you at the time. The evidence you had before you is that you had a kind decent man who you loved enough to have children with. The fact that he has turned into a shit and given himself permission to treat you appallingly is not your fault.

I was separated for more than two years before I hit a really low point - trying to get divorced from an obstructive EA arsehole. I went to my GP and started taking Sertraline just before last Christmas when everything seemed un-copeable with. She was very reassuring when I was very hesitant. In the end I started taking them about a month after I got the prescription filled because a friend happened to mention that she took them and thought they were good.

I felt positive results after just a few days and didn't notice any side effects apart from being slightly sleepless for two nights only.

It does feel strange being the person that takes them for the first time. I had never had ADs before and felt almost ashamed. I went to a Boots in a nearby town to get the prescription because I felt embarrassed getting them at my local chemist's. I'm not so agonised and self-concious now because they blooming worked! I don't want to be on them forever, but it really does help. Yours is a very obvious circumstantial reason for taking them, so don't feel too labelled for taking them. Be practical - it sounds like you are a practical person - and know that you need some help to get through the day. And see a counsellor or therapist to help you understand yourself and how to stop blaming yourself rather than him!

Good luck.

dadwood Mon 17-Nov-14 19:55:12

The following is my experience and I don't know if ADs will be useful to you:

I have been very down a few times in my life. I am not really able to function in that state and my sleep patterns go right out. For example, this caused me to miss a module exam at university because I was sleeping in the daytime.

I was prescribed SSRI antidepressants on two occasions.
They did make me function much better and, I feel, somewhat flattened out dealing with the reasons for the depression so that I could process it at a more comfortable rate.

They make me talkative and maybe less good at listening, although that is hard to assess.

They can affect your sex drive and did mine and there's a possible mood swing period at the beginning of the course which you have to look out for.

It was a bit uncomfortable coming off them the second time and I had to take a few days off work, I was a bit shivery.

All in all, it was a useful aid for me when I needed it.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Nov-14 20:11:32

You're not depressed, you're in shock and deep grief, there's a difference.
It's 'normal' to cry a river when you are going through trauma and what is, essentially, bereavement.

ADs can have side effects, depending on the type, that you may not want to have to deal with on top of everything else - nausea, weight loss, headaches, anxiety, palpitations, sleeplessness, lethargy, dizziness, dry mouth etc...

Some people don't experience any real problems with them, and some have significant difficulties.

Only you can decide whether it's a road you want to go down, I think a good therapist to support you through this time would be well worth looking into.

stickydate65 Mon 17-Nov-14 21:47:45

Thank you twinkle I hadn't even considered possible side effects of AD's. I do feel it is just something I have to work through and yes it definitely is a bereavement! I am grieving for the man I loved who no longer exists and probably never did! and for my lost future. We had just got to the stage in our lives when things were getting easier and we had time for ourselves! I feel so heartbroken that he's given up on us! I can't imagine AD's changing those thoughts!

FolkGirl Tue 18-Nov-14 04:23:41

ADs wouldn't change those thoughts and they wouldn't impact on the grief process. They don't mask your emotions or mean you are weak.

It really is no different to using a crutch when you've injured a foot and walking is painful/bloody difficult. It doesn't make the reality disappear, but it might mean you can get through the day without constant crying and sort out the things you need to sort.

It's perfectly possible to have reactive depression to a situation and for ADs to help In the short term.

bitofanoddone Tue 18-Nov-14 04:54:18

I'm on AD's. Avoided them for 15 years due to misconceptions, really. They have changed my life.

See a GP, get medical advice. Your situation is awful but as they say, 'this too shall pass'. There may be something to help you cope with it all. It's not like administering a sedative when you have had a bad shock, that is what is called delaying the inevitable, not this.

Good luck. Work through it thoroughly so you don't need to waste more of your life on him than need be. There is a whole (lovely) new life waiting for you when you feel better.

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