It's over

[Practicallyimpractical]

After a horrendous couple of years which has included an emotional affair, bullying by in laws with no support from dh* birth of ds2 with no assistance from dh, being shouted and screamed at in front of my ds, overwhelming feelings of worthlessness and my self esteem taking a battering, I finally asked dh if he loved me. The answer was a he cared about me but it was difficult which made me realise that actually, no, he doesn't.

Everything falls into place when this is actually out in the open, the lack of support, the truly appalling treatment of me, and disassociation with his primary family. I think what pushed me to ask, was after talking to my friend she was telling me about her husband taking their son out to ride his bike and what a great time they'd had and I realised that I couldn't ever imagine my dh doing that. He seems unable to cope with the demands of a young family and seems to see them as a hindrance rather than the fantastic little boys they are. We deserve so much more.

I've been out to my parents with the boys and my parents have said they are relieved as they were so worried about me as I'd started to think that everything was my fault. I'm sorry I'm rambling, but this only happened this morning and I feel very calm and accepting of everything, which I'm sure will change at some point, but is being made easier by dh being aggressive and quizzing me on what I've been doing today. None of your business anymore matey I'm afraid.

I've emailed a solicitor about an appointment but on a practical level, what should my next steps be?? I know the house will have to be sold as is too big for me to keep, but we've got enough equity in it to hopefully give me a lump sum, but I guess I'll find out more at sols appointment.

Sorry for dodgy grammar etc, but dh trying to snoop what I'm doing

*dickhead husband

[Drumdrum60]

Sounds like you've got your act together. How dare he say that to you.

[AltheaVestrit]

Others will be more informed than me, but when you see the solicitor take all evidence of the marital assets.

This will include pay slips (both of yours), pensions, house valuations etc, and anything else you can think of that you both own. Even stuff that's only in his name will be considered as a joint marital asset.

See a few solicitors; many will give you a free half hour, and hire the one that you gel with and who will fight tooth and nail to get what you deserve. You have probably sacrificed a job or career in order to bring up your soon to be ex husband's (STBXH) family. This gets recognised and you may find that you'll get to stay in the house if that's what you want.

Be strong, don't let him try and sweet talk you back with empty promises unless he provides evidence that any changes are to be permanent. Actions speak louder than words. Love is a verb as well as a noun.

All the best.

[NightTimeCometh]

Gather up any paperwork relating to finances.

Tell people in RL what's been going on and get practical and emotional support for you and your DC.

Keep posting on here until you've got him out of your lives.

If DS1 is school age, let school know what's going on.

Give your DC lots of love.

[Practicallyimpractical]

I'm desperately sad about the whole situation, but also realistic in the fact it was making me ill and was of no positive benefit to my sons and their views on relationships. I'm quite sure it will get very nasty but I think as soon as he moves out which should be soon enough, it will be easier to limit contact with him which in turn will mean less confrontations.

I do think he's really pissed off that I'm not sobbing and wanting to talk about things. He's just said I'm surprised you don't want to talk about this, to which I replied, and what more do you think could be said?

[AltheaVestrit]

Actually, reading both your posts suggests to me he may be emotionally abusive. Get yourself over to the thread ( it might be on page 2 if things have been a bit quiet for the long suffering women dealing with emotionally abusive (ex)partners). There's lots of info and ammo for you to be taking in for the bumpy road ahead.

[AltheaVestrit]

I found it on page 7. It's called "support for those in emotionall abusive relationships."

[Practicallyimpractical]

Thanks Althea, I'll have a look x

Will speak to school tomorrow - when should I be telling my ds5?? He's used to not seeing his dad for hours every day as he works long hours, but is it worth telling him before his dad moves out or will that confuse him??

[Justtoobad]

Stay strong it will get better xx

[Practicallyimpractical]

Thanks just

[Practicallyimpractical]

I've got an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow - what do I need to take?

I'm struggling a bit today - I think the adrenaline is wearing off. I've managed to tell some people what's happening which I think is making it more real. I've had to tell them not to be kind as that just makes me cry. Not feeling great today

[Practicallyimpractical]

Anyone???

[YvyB]

Oh, poor you. But well done for being so pragmatic and together.
They won't need the fine details tomorrow but if you can tell them the value of your house, the amount of equity in it and remaining term of the mortgage that will help. Details of income, savings, and pensions will also help to give your solicitor an idea of the marital assets.

You've been so brave. You don't have to rush in to anything though. Write down any questions you have, take notes and give yourself several days after to mull things over. Will your family talk things through with you if you ask them to?

Ive been where you are. Sorting out the practicalities isn't fun but it doesnt hurt like being with someone who clearly doesnt give a damn does. Things will get easier and you will start to enjoy life again. I've just moved in to my own house and it is fab! Good luck tomorrow :)

[AnyFucker]

This sounds liek completely the right decision for you, and mostly for your children.

[Practicallyimpractical]

He just asked if I'm going to make his tea erm, no, of course I'm not you twat!

[AltheaVestrit]

You may have to pretend to be compliant until you have all your ducks in a row. If an emotional abuser realises the status quo is changing, the behaviour is often ramped up.

Be careful.

[Practicallyimpractical]

I've got an appointment with solicitor tomorrow and am going armed with savings of over 40k more than I was led to believe we had. It's in his name, but surely this will be classed as a marital asset??

[AltheaVestrit]

You have evidence? If so, that's brilliant!

[Practicallyimpractical]

Sorry, posted too soon. I'm aware he's going to get nasty so I'm not engaging in any bickering or arguing so hopefully it will be okay. I don't think he'll think I'll be seeing a solicitor yet and I'm going to keep it that way. Until he's moved out, I don't want him to know I'm getting organised.

[Practicallyimpractical]

Yes, I've got a statement dated this October so he can't have shifted too much of it which I think will be his plan once he knows I'm serious. Can the court request bank statements so they will be able to see if he tries to hide the money??

[AltheaVestrit]

There's a thread (or 2) entitled "Dear STBXH". Read WellWhoKnew's story of how her STBXH has tried to shaft her on a continuing basis. WWK has been totally above board, but her ex has tried varying tactics to keep assets hidden.

It's almost a step by step guide to dealing with/divorcing Fuckwits. She's a brilliant writer too!

[Practicallyimpractical]

Great, will have a mooch and see what tips I can pick up.

[AltheaVestrit]

I've just added a message to the first thread I suggested so it should be on the first page.

[WellWhoKnew]

Hello - my ears twitched, and given I have nothing better to do but ponder divorce, here I am at your service.

The best thing I can recommend is to read Family Law Made Simple by Gordon and Slater - it has saved my sanity a few times because being divorcing by a twat is quite a challenge it transpires.

And, unless you have been divorced before, everything you think you know about divorce is probably not true. It's an eye-opener for sure.

It is not about who did what to whom but about separating the finances and making arrangements for the children.

Don't worry about understanding all the proceedings and terms, rights and entitlements at this point - it is a long process but not always a difficult one (apparently). Every divorce is unique so what you walk away with my be different from 'er next door, and 'im up the road. Your settlement will be tailored to your circumstances, your needs, his needs, but most important of all - your Ds's needs. It is, of course, limited by the size of the pot being carved up.

If you have a solicitor-led divorce (as oppose to DIY-ing) then make sure they are FAMILY law specialists not general solicitors. Don't worry if you're not happy with the one you see tomorrow, treat it like an interview and make appointments with others. If he's going to be a nasty bully, you need to work with someone who gives you confidence and compassion, but mostly manages all the shit that gets thrown at you.

The onus is on you and he (or your solicitors if that's the route you go down) to sort things out amongst yourselves. Most divorces don't get to the courthouse, and even if they do, then it's only to sort out the bits that you can't agree (FDA/FDR hearings). You have to be very, very, very unlucky to go to a 'Final Hearing' where the whole of your life is discussed in your presence to a judge and you get the joy of being cross-examined. I am very unlucky because I married a twat who does not like to be told what to do so we are still trying to get full and frank disclosure...

That means you are entitled to receive copies of all bank accounts, savings, investments for the last twelve months without a judge needing to order it, so if he's got assets you don't know about, it's likely to be revealed in there...Of course, if he doesn't fully and frankly disclose, then there are some very persuasive laws that the judge can impose at FDA/FDR. And after separation, if he goes on a spending spree of an unreasonable nature, then them laws things get invoked again...

However, when divorcing a twat (or being divorced by a twat), and if you're struggling emotionally, getting a solicitor (and paying the cost) is essential.

A 'normal' divorce (solicitor-ed) costs between 5 - 10K, but may be more, e.g. he's got a business or complicated financial arrangements. Don't worry if you don't have an income, as there's Novitas Loans (litigation loans). The APR is staggering, but it does mean that until you get a lump sum, you can pay your legal team.

Hope this helps.

[Practicallyimpractical]

That wwk, there's lots to think about. I've been to see a solicitor who seems very capable and looks like he'd be able to fight my corner. He's going to make sure I'm okay financially which will be a relief.

I think the shock is wearing off somewhat though as I'm having a rather teary day. I've just sobbed all round the supermarket (discretely I thought) but no so much when I saw one of my ds old playgroup teacher and she gave me a hug. She told me she got divorced when she had two little boys and they're all fine now and I will get through this.

I also broke down in a very posh chocolate shop which embarrassing as it was, did result I'm a free posh chocolate and a big hug from the shop assistant. I'm finding the kindness of strangers rather hard to cope with. I suppose that this is, in part, not being treated very kindly for the past couple of years that I'm pathetically grateful and start to sob when strangers have shown more compassion than my stbxh

It's my ds1's birthday tomorrow too which I think may be having an affect on things. I really didn't envisage things to be as they are.

I feel somewhat cleansed after having a breakdown little cry and I think it's done me a bit of good to start to grieve for what could have been. I certainly don't regret it as it's made me who I am - albeit a bit battered and broken, but nothing that the sun can't heal.*

• I do realise I'm slightly fucked with the sun healing element in November