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Partner always skint

(17 Posts)
Definitelynotgoingout Sun 16-Nov-14 20:09:50

I know this is trivial. It's starting to grate though and need some perspective. I had to NC for this.
Partner and I been together about a year. We don't live together but spend a lot of time together. He had some previous money problems and got into debt and is now paying it back through an IVA. This means he is left with very very little spare cash each month. I knew this at the start, but believe money is not important and he is otherwise a great partner.
The lack of going out and doing things is starting to get to me a bit. At the start we had quite a few meals out together, but that quickly dried up. Rarely get to do anything else either. Every weekend we are indoors. Was ok in the summer could go for walks locally and we were still in the fuzzy-cuddly stage so I didn't notice as much. Recently I have arranged to go to work Xmas ball alone as he can't afford it and he's said he can't afford to do Xmas presents.
He has a year left of paying this debt back. I do love him, but it is getting to me. I'm certainly not a shallow person, I don't expect him to be paying for me/buying me endless gifts. Just a little more freedom with what we do would be lovely.

Quitelikely Sun 16-Nov-14 20:13:54

Well what do you expect him to do? He is going to be sorted in a IMO he is doing something about it

Quitelikely Sun 16-Nov-14 20:14:18

Like the username grin

Definitelynotgoingout Sun 16-Nov-14 20:16:08

I think I just needed a moan to be honest! grin

Chattymummyhere Sun 16-Nov-14 20:17:10

You have checked his not a MM though... Could be a good reason for not spending money.. Otherwise if money is not important wait a year and things will get better

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sun 16-Nov-14 20:18:24

Well if he's skint he's skint. He's trying to sort his debt what more can he do? If you can afford to go out then go out with friends or pay for your partner to go out once in a while.

Hassled Sun 16-Nov-14 20:19:56

I can see that a little more freedom would be lovely, and I do sympathise - but the bloke is at least facing up to his responsibilities and sorting the debt out. If you love him then stick with it.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Sun 16-Nov-14 20:22:42

Well the situation isn't going to change in the near future and you knew what you were getting into. you're going to have to either put up with things as they are, end it, or decide that you'll pay for both of you to go out.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Sun 16-Nov-14 20:23:42

His your boyfriend though, not your partner. Why can't he go to the ball?

NightTimeCometh Sun 16-Nov-14 20:28:58

Men with debts are a pain - find someone solvent.

Joysmum Sun 16-Nov-14 20:39:33

How about putting some thought into things that can be done on no money?

When me and my DH got together, he was earning £55 on an apprenticeship and I worked a 60 hour week to keep us afloat. I never thought to complain, we just cracked on with making the best life we could have.

overslept Sun 16-Nov-14 20:42:58

Find someone solvent? We have all been on the bones of our arse before. If you can only be with a partner who had oodles of cash spare then it's hardly love. What a silly comment. I helped my DP when he was redundant and never questioned it, he would do the same for me confused. I thought that was what a relationship was about, supporting each other through the difficult times as well as the good. I find if you can be broke and have money worries with somebody and still get on without turning it into a huge issue then the relationship will last.

Things won't be like this forever OP. I rarely go out at the moment and it's not due to cash flow, it's because we live in the arse end of nowhere. Spend time together, laugh about stupid stuff. Some of the best nights of my life have been when me and DP are sat indoors with nobody except each other. Try and do cheap things together and enjoy the simple and mundane. It's not glamorous but life often isn't.

FinallyHere Mon 17-Nov-14 08:15:41

While i completely agree with the people saying that money isn't everything, the issue as i see it here, is that you can't know in advance whether , once the debts are paid off, that will be the end of it all and you can have a normal relationship.

I have known people who have, well, really quite a lot in the bank who turn every penny over before spending it.

Have you discussed how he got i to debt, what he is doing to get out and how things will be different? Or does he close down that kind of conversations? Could he actually be comfortable with his restricted life, is he really making a sacrifice now? That would be a very good sign for me. Hope it all works out for you.

LividofLondon Mon 17-Nov-14 08:57:31

I think you need to be a bit creative here. Are there things you could do as a couple that are free or very inexpensive? For example, museums are sometimes free entry and even if you think they'll be naff can be surprisingly entertaining (I've taken my BF to one and it was a great few hours out of the house - got us really chatting about things we probably wouldn't chat about normally). Good when the weather's crap too.

Could you not save up and aim for a meal out once a month? Even if you go Dutch so he's not paying for you both you're still going out and it will be something to look forward to.

Christmas presents don't have to be expensive. Could he afford £5 or £10 for a silly little gift?

Dowser Mon 17-Nov-14 11:06:48

It's tough but if the love is there and you work's doable.

Is there a part. Of you that is thinking he is wasting money somewhere else

Sorry to ask but you could be resentful if he's drinking, has a good night out with his mates once A week, renting videos, going to footie matches etc

Normal things when money is in plentiful supply but not if you feel you are subsidising him.

Dowser Mon 17-Nov-14 11:16:11

My Oh went from having a good job with plenty of spare cash to unemployed within about 2 years of getting together.

We trimmed our costs, we had our own homes at the time, but still went to the cinema and had nice meals together.

I just paid more towards our social life.

We were still ridiculously, stupidly happy we just didn't go as many places and do as much as we do now, now we are over it.

Teamwork and it's testing but as long as you are singing from the same. Song sheet you can work through it.

But yes, I'd want to know about the debt . Anyone can fall on hard times.

500Decibels Mon 17-Nov-14 11:31:50

It must be boring being in every weekend when you want to go out and do something.
Can you not go out for a drink? An inexpensive meal?
You can still go out for walks!

Do you think he treats you well or do you feel taken advantage of?

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