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Family life

(43 Posts)
winkywinkola Sun 16-Nov-14 19:39:58

It's graft, isn't it?

Right now with 4 dcs aged 9, 7, 5 and 2, we are finding that there is very little if any respite.

Dh finds the weekends awful as they are non stop with things that need to be done like the dcs (rugby, swimming, general being with) the garden, our chickens.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, ironing, dog walking, work part time too.

It is relentless and knackering. There is no way round it.

Dh is pretty pissed off with it all. I think he's slowly checking out. We have no time together, no money, no relatives nearby to help out.

Even when we had money he would never want to go out for dinner - my idea of heaven not having to cook! - as he said he ate out a lot with clients at work.

He wanted to do other fun stuff but never came up with anything let alone arranged anything. I think he just thought all he had to do is not make much of an effort really.

So it's all a bit shit really. hmm

Eustasiavye Sun 16-Nov-14 19:54:01

If your dh won't go put to dinner I would suggest either something else to do together eg cinema, drinks or whatever you both enjoy. Or go to dinner with friends.

Your dh might not see it as a treat but you would. Part of the reason it doesn't float his boat is that he always has meals cooked for him. He needs to appreciate that you don't and shouldn't have to cook every meal.

winkywinkola Sun 16-Nov-14 19:59:35

I know that's how he feels. He doesn't see the sheer happiness I have when I don't have to cook!

But is it the same for most people - never ending graft and really tbh, not much fun at all?

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 16-Nov-14 20:02:39

Why do you do all the housework?

Dogs and chickens? Garden work? Do you like making extra work for yourself?

Have you considered lowering your standards of what needs to be done? Also, making sure you don't do it all?

DH is pretty pissed of with it all. I think he's slowly checking out.
What about you? Are you pissed off? Are you checking out?

Have you told him how you feel? Have you told him that you need him to arrange something fun for the two of you to do every week?

PrincessPotsie Sun 16-Nov-14 20:03:29

I am feeling completely the same. So pissed off with the continuous grind of clearing and tidying up after everyone. Having a 'break' by going off on my own makes me miss them all a bit but definitely not be in any hurry to rush back, in fact quite the opposite.

Please, please let there be a light at the end of the tunnel ASAP....

DeadCert Sun 16-Nov-14 20:04:23

DH and I were having this conversation the other evening, and we only have two. I think it is really hard work, and the sleepless nights, and the washing, and the organisation, and the bloody monotony of if all. How are your little ones at going to bed? Carpet picnic and a bottle of wine once a week?

A very frank conversation and a little effort from both sides can really make the difference for DH and I.

I do know how you feel though thanks

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 16-Nov-14 20:05:25

Yes, lots of graft here too.

Lots of fun as well. Fun can be found in anything. It comes from within. It is an attitude not an external event.

Olivo Sun 16-Nov-14 20:07:44

I feel this way too. Stuck in a rut I suppose. We both work full time and weekends become just an endless round of tidying, washing and kids' activities. No time to relax at all and seemingly, this will go on until at least the children are at secondary school.

winkywinkola Sun 16-Nov-14 20:12:42

No, I'm not checking out. I would never do that. I know it's a grind and drudgery and I most certainly get hacked off with it all.

My standards aren't that high, believe me! I hoover twice a week, do all the washing and ironing, clean the bathrooms on Mondays, the loos extra when required, batch cook, work about 10-12 hours a week from home.

Dh wanted chickens. He also wanted dogs. He works like 50-60 hours a week sometimes in the City.

I don't think it would be that bad if we had a bit more money to afford a babysitter once in a while. I'm hoping to up my hours in the new year but we shall see.

I just think that this is real life. That's it for now. There's not much I can do about it tbh and I think he's looking to me to create more hours in the day, generate more energy so we're not dog tired etc.

Arlagirl Sun 16-Nov-14 20:14:53

I'd get rid of the chickens for a start grin

Vivacia Sun 16-Nov-14 20:19:02

I have often thought and said that if it weren't for DP's friendship and genuine partnership I'd have gone under a long time ago.

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 16-Nov-14 20:22:16

He works 50 hours a week in the you mean The City, because if so, I think you can afford a babysitter once in a while! I am a lone parent earning just below the national average, and if I can occasionally afford a babysitter so can you!
4 kids is a lot. So dh wanted dogs and chickens. What, for you to look after coz you don't have enough to do??
Maybe get the kids to cut something out at the weekends? You are a mum, not a Ents mangager. I had 5 siblings, and I think at weekends at the age your dc are we just rode our bikes and played. Don't remember any particular activity. Cricket in the back alley maybe! Ok different times, but it does sound like you are letting everyone else dictate what family life is. What do YOU want?

Nervo Sun 16-Nov-14 20:28:56

We only survive and enjoy it by working as a team. Oh, and by only having two children.

My home is my sanctuary from a stressful job.

Eustasiavye Sun 16-Nov-14 20:39:33

You do need to let your dh know how you feel. Life with a family is hard but everyone has to pull their weight.

Your dh wanted the dogs and chickens so let him tend to them.

Is he usually so selfish?
Would you get a dog for a young child just because they wanted one, knowing that they would not be looking after it.

I think u need to cutback on what you do.

The kids and your dh may well kick off bit you are not their unpaid skivvy.

Go out with a friend, your dh gets to dine out with clients and that in itself is a treat.

I think the volume of work very much depends upon teamwork.

I'm a sing
E parent and as far as housework is concerned, I do not do any more than I did when I had a husband. This is with 3 dcs who do their absolute best to avoid tidying and cleaning.

winkywinkola Sun 16-Nov-14 20:43:14

That's the thing. We are both doing as much as we can at the weekends. I wouldn't say dh was slacking at all.

TheLittleOneSaidRollOver Sun 16-Nov-14 20:52:39

Stop doing some stuff. There must be stuff you don't need to do.

Edit your life.

He has a job in the City 50-60 hrs per week. You have space for chickens, dogs and 4 children. You can afford lots of clubs.

Have you moved into a huge house that is too difficult and expensive to run? Are you trying to to live up to a glossy magazine supplement lifestyle?

IfNotNowThenWhen Sun 16-Nov-14 21:00:45

I sometimes think I must be the laziest person on earth because people are always going in about how much stuff they have to do, and I really don't feel that. I do only have one child, plus me, but I work 4.5 days a week, do the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking on non childminder days, go out for the occasional day trip, swimming etc. I just won't bother with anything that seems like too much hassle. Like ironing. Or husbands grin
Definitely edit. The world won't end if you never bake your own bread, or ds doesn't make grade 4 piano.
What was it Shirley Conran said? Life's too short to stuff a mushroom. Words to live by.

MinginInTheRain Sun 16-Nov-14 21:01:56

You said he's slowly checking out? In what way? Hard to check out without someone else (you I'm guessing) picking up the slack.

winkywinkola Sun 16-Nov-14 21:03:53

Chuckle. Erm no, definitely not trying to live up to glossy magazine ideal. You should see the state of me and the house!

The house is a reasonable size. Not massive at all. 5 bed. A doer-upper. Except we can't do it up just now. That's fine. It's perfectly habitable.

I guess the laundry is the most demanding thing. Man, I hate washing, trying to dry it all and then the ironing.

Nervo Sun 16-Nov-14 21:04:54

We made a decision a while back to not do any clubs/sports at the weekend.

So, we all have two days of down time. I have to say that it has really helped.

The kids do plenty in terms of sports/music and clubs during the week so boy oh boy do we enjoy our weekends.

Sometimes my parents come round and do a bit of ironing/hoovering while we are at work. That helps too. smile

cococandyfloss Sun 16-Nov-14 21:06:03

We have 3 children , I work on Saturdays and DS normally has football on a Sunday so we seem to have very little family time. On the dreaded facebook everyone else seems to be having weekends away and fun day trips whilst I am cooking, cleaning, ironing, shopping (DH does all this too). I don't know where we are going so wrong , our children are growing up so quickly and I feel we are spending their childhood just getting through it all.
The last few years money has been really tight so we don't have the spare cash for weekends away with the family , expensive trips out etc. Things have been a bit better this year and we were lucky enough to afford a holiday and that did make a bit of difference just to escape the house and not have constant mess and chores to deal with!

mayhew Sun 16-Nov-14 21:11:46

If you have a big house, you have room for an au pair. They baby sit, drive kids around and generally ease the load. Plus you kids meet someone from another country.

A friend with a full on job and a runaway wife found a male au pair a lifesaver. He played footie with the boys!

Shockers Sun 16-Nov-14 21:12:41

We've cut down on activities too; it's so liberating! Instead we all take the dog out at weekends. We are having a lot more fun as a family. Two sporty teens here, but we asked them to choose. They still do football, rugby and school stuff, but they've dropped swimming club (both proficient swimmers), which was a massive time commitment. We swim as a family instead... the club fees we save pays for membership to a nice health club!

weedinthepool Sun 16-Nov-14 21:16:15

I felt exactly like this. 3 dcs, work, big house that took an age to clean. A husband who wouldn't & couldn't and refused to pay for or think of things to do so we were all stuck in a rut. It was a total grind & I do think when you have a biggish gap between eldest & youngest DC it's hard to please everyone.

My life has changed now I've left H due to abuse but I remember the feelings & the drudgery and the lack of joy. Have you thought of just making your own choices & doing your own things? Like one of you take eldest two to a restaurant/museum/cinema one w.end & the other does that the following. I know it seems wrong to split yourselves into 2 little camps but if you are both miserable as a 6 the dc's might prefer it. I do feel for you, it feels like it will never end doesn't it, but it does get better as they grow.

pasanda Sun 16-Nov-14 21:19:56

Four dc's, 9 chickens, 3 dogs, 1 cat, 2 holiday let cottages that I run/manage on our farm, the farm (bloody massive and shed loads of gardening!) plus I work part time as a midwife!

I totally get where you are coming from!

It's fucking relentless!!!

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