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"I need to grow up, move on and enjoy life"

(11 Posts)
JALG Sun 16-Nov-14 16:33:36

"I need to grow up, move on and enjoy life" , this little pep talk I give myself most days, but why is it not working?

In short, I was married to my childhood sweetheart . One child and 7 years later my husband had his first affair. I won't go into details, but unbelievably I let her hang around for nearly 11 more years until I had my second child. I got high on being a new mum at 39 and embraced motherhood like it was my first time. Meanwhile we bought a big house and lived what I thought was a good life. My husband didn't and started on a mid life crisis. First a fast motor bike, then more high powered positions that led him away from home and all the time he had a building resentment for me just working part-time and not making a valuable monetary contribution to our marriage. Inevitably he embarked on yet another affair and whilst he assured me this was not the same thing , I knew the kind of women he was with, would be firmly focussed on money and all that it bought and not remotely like myself. After an unbearable 2 years of emotional abuse I decided I could not bear it any more and asked him to leave. Determined to find a happier life I embraced my freedom and joined a choir, single parent groups and all sorts of things to keep me busy. I was like a little puppy, bouncy and fun and soon met a friend that ~I had always thought was nice and we started dating. At first it was good, but soon I realised that as far as he was concerned there was little room in our relationship for my children and that his intentions towards me were very much motivated by the fact that I came with a house and a car and no mortgage …… Fast forward ten months and my ex has taken me to court as he did not feel my requests for Spousal Maintenance were justified. I have finally negotiated a good price for our marital home and sold that and have (6 weeks ago) moved with me and my two daughters, into our new home.

I run a successful childcare business which keeps me busy most of the week and the rest of the time I am being a mum to my girls now 21 and 10. I have dabbled in online dating, met 5 very strange men, disastrously dated 2 who I then slept with (one of these forced himself on me) and the other was because I felt guilty that I had asked him to help me pack up my house and garden before moving . I have made some stupid rash decisions and am battling every day with feelings of being an inadequate mum. On top of all this I have tried to come to terms with the fact that my ex husband's partner is part of my daughters life, and am struggling to share my daughter with this women so each time she goes there to stay I end miserable and depressed. I asked my ex to come by for coffee in our new house and see his daughters bedroom etc to try and build bridges between us. He just lectured me on the harm that I had inflicted on her because of my behaviour and refused to come in. I then went away for a night and left him to collect his daughter from my house, he knew I was not there so came into the house and walked around the place as if it was his. He is filled with hatred for me because what I have cost him in solicitors fees and for the fact that he is going to be made to share his pension 50/50 with me.

We are now in a situation where he constantly tries to compete with me in a battle of one up-man-ship. He knows how sad it makes me feel to share my daughter with another women so therefore he goes out of his way to make sure she is involved including getting her to speak to my daughter about them getting married.

I feel a mess, I come over as a strong person to those on the outside, but inside I feel just on the edge of things. I have tried counselling, massage, yoga - you name it. I know that by now I should have been able to have got over this whole retched affair and move on with my life, but I feel stuck in a rut and can't see it getting any better. How long will it take for me to get there? Can anyone empathise with me?

Rachela88 Sun 16-Nov-14 16:52:27

I'm sorry to hear your having a rough time flowers I'm always here if you need a chat.he sounds like an idiot,I know it's tough sharing your daughter with another woman but remember you'll always be her mum.your rut won't last forever,your allowed to feel low about this,perhaps try find a new hobby,make more time for yourself do things you've ways wanted to do,treat yourself,maybe have a pamper day with your daughter spend some quality time together

Rachela88 Sun 16-Nov-14 16:53:32

Meant to say always wanted to do

hamptoncourt Sun 16-Nov-14 17:04:47

JALG are you saying you were raped? I am so sorry. You have had a really shit time of it. It isn't too late to get more counselling if you think that would help? Just because one counsellor wasn't right doesn't mean a different therapist couldn't help.

Re Dickhead ex, how does he know you are upset about his GF establishing a relationship with DD? Do not tell him anything. People like that will always use information against you. Knowledge is power and all that.

I hope this will help - my XH girlfriend seems to hate one of my DC. It absolutely tears me apart as XH is in denial there is a problem and makes DS see her a lot of the time and for holidays etc. She is awful to him. I can promise you I would far rather be in a position where my DC did get on with the new girlfriend.

Don't let DD know there is a problem. Let her tell you all about GF and the wedding plans and say "That sounds nice DD"

You know you don't want him any more - he is a cheating shitbag and you can have a far happier life without him. Minimise contact with him. I assume DD has a phone? If not, get her a cheap PAYG mobile so he can contact her direct and you don't have to speak to him unless it's absolutely necessary.

I would knock the OLD on the head for now. Take time to get to know the real JALG again. Take yourself on dates to the cinema/theatre/walks. Go with friends, go on holiday with them or alone. Life is short and this cockwomble has wrecked enough of yours I think. Take back the power thanks

JALG Sun 16-Nov-14 20:33:18

Hi there and thank you for your supportive comments. I am ashamed to say I speak openly to both of my daughters about how hurt I feel and how much i resent their father's girlfriend . My eldest daughter would have conveyed all of the to her dad. Sadly I know that she will manipulate the situation to suit her own needs and if this means telling her dad I am a mess because of the fact I have to share my little girl with his girlfriend - then she would have put her own needs first !! I am considering having some Cognitive Therapy (I think that is what it's called) to try and stop the cycle of negative thoughts and sometimes destructive behaviour (by this I mean that I know it is not right to have spoken to my youngest about my feelings regarding her dad). It's hard as I think I am a bright, intelligent women, who often counsels friends when it comes to relationships. I can talk the talk but not walk the walk!! Well not at the moment anyway…

This also includes the disastrous choices I made regarding my last two dates, I suppose I did have sex forced on me. But had been drinking and whilst I said no , i didn't want to go all the way, he took it as a yes and I just let it happen. I don't know what I was thinking and feel really stupid and ashamed that I put myself in that position, it is not like me at all !!

honeybunny14 Sun 16-Nov-14 20:45:37

I have no real advice but I'm sure youwill get some great advice from mnetters . I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing woman and mother I hope you find the happiness you deserve flowers

Onmyownwith4kids Sun 16-Nov-14 20:53:54

I've been through similar to you. An air of complete indifference is the way forward. Don't make your ex feel important by making him feel central to your thoughts and feelings. I hate my kids seeing their dad's girlfriend too but it's beyond your control. Focus on what you can control, building a fantastic new feature without that idiot in it

heyday Sun 16-Nov-14 21:14:31

It's a sad state of affairs but I would say first and foremost you have to stop talking to your girls about your feelings for your ex and his new gf. It's unfair to put this upon them and it is fuelling your anger and resentment. Believe me, your daughters will have enough of their own problems without being burdened with yours especially as it puts them in a difficult position as this is their father you are talking about.
It sounds like you have made a great life for yourself and your DC, built on resilience and hard work. You have every right to be very proud of yourself and you should be focussing more on that.
Whatever, you feel inside you need to show real indifference to your ex and his partner. Find a close friend to unburden yourself to but do not share these feelings with your children or your ex..... Ever. Do not give him this power. Of course he is angry over what he has had to give you. But remember, it's only what you are entitled to and tbh if he hadn't been such a prat then there is every chance you could both still be married and he wouldn't have had to go through this process. That's totally down to his own actions but he won't want to see that. It's just easier to blame you.
Once you start to show indifference to them then a lot of the power they have over you will begin to wane. I do advocate CBT as this can help to change thought processes that lead to distructive thoughts or behaviours.
This is how life is. There is not a lot you can do about it but you can have some hope of dealing with the negative thoughts that are causing you so much pain. I would seriously advise giving CBT a go and embrace it fully and hopefully you will be able to start moving on with your life.

JALG Sun 16-Nov-14 21:51:36

Thank you friends - I will go to bed now and try to wake up in the morning with a more positive outlook. You are right about needing to show indifference, and I know it will make me feel less anxious. I am going to look up a CBT counsellor - a far better way to spend my money that OLD lol!! smile

Onmyownwith4kids Sun 16-Nov-14 22:30:06

Honestly it really works. I never mention my ex or his girlfriend to my kids. My ex husband sends constant texts and I just ignore them. I'm a long way from genuine indifference but the more I fake it the closer I get to the real thing. Hope it gets better for you soon x

PlantsAndFlowers Sun 16-Nov-14 23:03:28

Why do you talk to your children like this when you know it is so wrong?

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