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Caught him on dating site - bullshit excuses

(46 Posts)
suchafool1967 Sun 16-Nov-14 14:51:57


Just need some advice please, as I'm wondering if I am being too harsh on my OH.

We've been together a year, but the past six months have been troubled as we argue a lot.

We have talked about splitting up and I have told him I don't think we'll be together in the new year because we can't stop arguing. But he always wants to try again. When I ask why, he says: "Because I love you."

We had a very unpleasant row a week ago, and he brought up that he also had doubts about us.

I have felt something was off for a couple of months and have tried to work out the password on his phone without success. We don't live together.

That night, I went on to the dating site we met on to see if he'd been online and did a search. Lo and behold his profile came up, saying "Online Today".

After 3 months of dating, at my instigation, we had both agreed to delete our profiles, which I did, and he did too. But bizarrely, before doing so, he wrote on his profile that he had met someone and would "soon be deleting his profile". Three weeks later he did.

On this "new" profile that I found a week ago, he'd used all the same details but has a different username and there is no picture on the profile - which is the giveaway, as attached/married men using the site generally have no picture.

I had to know the truth. I set up a fake profile and sent him a wink/ expression of interest. And I found a random picture online of an attractive woman that I used on my fake profile.

The next day he'd sent me a message that said "Hi, would you like to have a chat sometime?"

I wrote back asking him to tell me a bit more about himself and asked what he was looking for in someone.

My plan was to set up a meeting and show up myself to confront him.

Sadly, I couldn't hold it together. I was too upset and confronted him with the info I had, which I really regret.

At first he denied being on the site and I suggested that perhaps a ghost was operating his profile, seeing as it said "Online today".

Then he said he looked online because he was "angry at me".

When I asked about the profile he had up, with no picture, he said it was "an old profile" that he'd "forgotten about".

I said "have you messaged anyone?"


"Has anyone messaged you?"


"Are you sure? Think carefully now"

But he insisted he hadn't messaged anyone.

I said: "You might want to rethink that answer. Because I know you messaged someone today".

He didn't admit it until I told him I'd set up a fake profile and contacted him, telling him the username I'd used and describing the picture of the woman on the fake profile.

Then he said he answered the "wink"/whatever with a message because "he saw it early in the morning" when he "wasn't thinking straight and was still half asleep".

He "would never have met up with her", "has not cheated on me or met anyone from the site". It was "a mistake" he made while in "a petulant mood".

Which is why I regret spilling my guts too soon. If I'd have kept it going, I would have known for sure whether he was going to turn up on a date with another woman.

I said that on top of the arguments, I now didn't trust him and think it's time to end it. He thinks I am "being brutal" and "obviously looking for an excuse" to end it. And that it "was nothing. It's not as though I sent 'her' a photo of my di*k".

He is furious that I don't want to see him or talk about it further and thinks he can just talk me round.

He is constantly ringing, emailing and texting. All of which I'm not responding to. He just seems to assume that everything is normal, or will be after a chat!

We are supposed to be going away for his birthday next weekend to a hotel in the country to go walking. If I don't go I will feel guilty for wrecking his birthday but I also know that if I go it sends the wrong message. I don't WANT to hurt him or punish him.

But just during this past week of not seeing him or talking to him, I've felt such peace. I went out on a meet-up last night for a curry with lots of people I'd never met before and had a great time. I felt I could be myself. I felt as though I could make new friends. I am not looking for another man.

I told him on the day I confronted him that I don't want to be looking over my shoulder checking up on him forevermore. But he just says he wants to rebuild my trust in him.

I loved him once, but the constant arguing has worn me down.

He sent me a text yesterday that said: " I want to and have made you happy, cherished and loved. I will make it my continuing task to do so again, and in future, my darling."

Today he has rung me (I let it go to voicemail) and texted twice asking if he could see me. The last text said; " I am thinking about you incessantly."

I feel as though I've got King Kong coming after me. He is relentless.

What I want to know is: Am I being too harsh to want to end it?
To me it's clear: he responded to a woman online, then lied about it. How am I ever going to trust him again when I don't believe a word he says?

If you've got this far, thank you for sticking with it.

Castlemilk Sun 16-Nov-14 14:55:25


Tell him you've made your decision and if he contacts you again you'll take it as harassment and go to the police.

It's been a year, half of that has been shit anyway, and now you know he's cheaty.

Get rid decisively and move on.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle Sun 16-Nov-14 14:57:02

"I do not want to see you. Do not contact me again. Any further contact will be deemed harassment and reported to the police"

And do it.

But you shouldn't have used someone else's photo on your profile without their permission.

LovesPeace Sun 16-Nov-14 14:57:08

'I loved him once' and 'I've felt such peace' tell you everything you need to know.

You don't need 'proof' or 'evidence' to justify leaving a man (although texting another woman on a dating site are pretty strong).

You can leave this relationship because it makes you unhappy. To Hell with what he wants.

afreshstartplease Sun 16-Nov-14 15:01:24

No i don't think your being too harsh

I have found myself in a similar position to you this weekend. Except my relationship was 8 years old and we have three children. There were things early on that I forgave but I think when you do that you just let them see you will forgive.

And even if you do forgive you won't forget

GelfBride Sun 16-Nov-14 15:01:34

Block bin walk away. He is a cheating lying turd. It's a pity you did'nt see it through but you know in your heart he would have met the woman he thought he was meeting. Raise your bar. Find someone nice.

mariposaazul Sun 16-Nov-14 15:01:41

I don't think we strangers can answer yr Q but you already have! You seem very clear you want to end it & view his attempts to get in touch as harrassment & why would you want a relationship that makes you feel this way?

forumdonkey Sun 16-Nov-14 15:01:45

You sound happier without him. Even without the OLD profile it sounds like he wasn't making you happy. If you loved each other and were happy together then its worth the effort if one or both of you don't feel like that about each other its time to go OP.

CatKisser Sun 16-Nov-14 15:02:37

"You are going to stop contacting me. Any further communication will be treated as harassment and kept as evidence."

Life's too short for turds like him.

Fontella Sun 16-Nov-14 15:04:19

He's full of shit and you are well rid.

No you aren't being 'too harsh' A year long relationship, half of which has comprised arguing and constant rows - is dead in the water, on top of which he's a blatant liar who only admits to something when confronted with irrefutable proof, and even then he tries to wriggle out of it.

You will never 'rebuild trust' with someone like this so don't waste your time trying. You say you are happier without him, so there's your answer.

Tell him straight it's over and he's wasting his time contacting you. Any messages/calls etc. will be deleted. As for feeling 'guilty' about wrecking his birthday ... why on earth do you feel any guilt? He's the one who went on the dating site and lied through his teeth about it.

And as for those flowery texts and messages - sorry OP but he sounds like a right twat.

CatKisser Sun 16-Nov-14 15:06:12

I want to and have made you happy, cherished and loved. I will make it my continuing task to do so again, and in future, my darling."
Oh God.

Jolleigh Sun 16-Nov-14 15:38:27

You're well rid. People like this may well have feelings for the person they're screwing over but instead of just not doing anything to hurt them, they just try not to get caught, only ever admitting to what they can no longer deny. Don't give an inch.

MiniTheMinx Sun 16-Nov-14 15:39:00

I changed my phone number on Friday, its fairly easy to do. I am also considering changing my home phone number as well. Its also easy to direct emails straight to spam.

You could do the same if you really want to feel like your old self again. You are right, this relationship sounds dead and he can't be trusted, he is using you, either because he can't find the thing he seeks, or until he does find it.

Wrapdress Sun 16-Nov-14 16:00:40

You are not being too harsh. Don't go away for the weekend with him. You have done the right thing. He's begging means nothing. Even in your writing you seem "lighter" and "happier" without him.

makeitabetterplace Sun 16-Nov-14 16:01:52

I don't normally advocate throwing the towel in unless it's really needed. It's really needed here. You've been together a shirt time and for much of that time it's not been good. Do yourself and your future a massive favour and get rid.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 16-Nov-14 17:10:27

You don't owe him a minute further of your time. Delete and block, but before you do send him one warning that any further contact will be reported to the police because he seems like the type to stalk you in person.

Fairenuff Sun 16-Nov-14 17:54:09

It's over.

Block his calls, block his email.

Looks like you had a lucky escape by finding out what he's like fairly early on.

getthefeckouttahere Sun 16-Nov-14 17:59:54

oh you kinda know the answer to this already don't you.

He is clearly so upset about the possible end of your relationship that instead of trying to fix it he is already looking for another. That doesn't bode too well does it?

You tried, it didn't work out, move on. You really do deserve an awful lot better than this!

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Sun 16-Nov-14 18:30:05

It sounds like he is trying to use getting caught as the reason you've broken up and if he can only regain your trust it would be OK. Hindsight is wonderful but if you'd just said "It's not working, it's over" it wouldn't really give him much to argue against.

HumblePieMonster Sun 16-Nov-14 19:53:02

Just say goodbye.

Cabrinha Sun 16-Nov-14 23:43:03

The fact you even have to ask on here, tells me that you need to seriously sort out your approach to relationships.

Why on EARTH would you feel and guilty, and do anything but tell him not to harass you?

suchafool1967 Mon 17-Nov-14 15:27:47

I have ended it. He is utterly and totally devastated. I do feel cruel doing it just before his birthday. Maybe I should have waited.

sonjadog Mon 17-Nov-14 15:35:03

No, you're well rid. He is utterly and totally devastated that his girlfriend won't tolerate him checking out other women on a dating site. He's an idiot.

findingherfeet Mon 17-Nov-14 15:48:58

Gosh no, don't make life unnecessarily hard, neither of you appear particularly comited to each other, the short time you've been together has been fueled by arguments.

Call it a day and save yourself enivitable heart ache.

Lorelei353 Mon 17-Nov-14 15:49:36

You don't owe him anything so don't feel bad.

Anyway, how much worse do you think he'd feel if you went through a happy-couple charade for his birthday and then dumped him?

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