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Relationships

Caught him on dating site - bullshit excuses

45 replies

suchafool1967 · 16/11/2014 14:51

Hi,

Just need some advice please, as I'm wondering if I am being too harsh on my OH.

We've been together a year, but the past six months have been troubled as we argue a lot.

We have talked about splitting up and I have told him I don't think we'll be together in the new year because we can't stop arguing. But he always wants to try again. When I ask why, he says: "Because I love you."

We had a very unpleasant row a week ago, and he brought up that he also had doubts about us.

I have felt something was off for a couple of months and have tried to work out the password on his phone without success. We don't live together.

That night, I went on to the dating site we met on to see if he'd been online and did a search. Lo and behold his profile came up, saying "Online Today".

After 3 months of dating, at my instigation, we had both agreed to delete our profiles, which I did, and he did too. But bizarrely, before doing so, he wrote on his profile that he had met someone and would "soon be deleting his profile". Three weeks later he did.

On this "new" profile that I found a week ago, he'd used all the same details but has a different username and there is no picture on the profile - which is the giveaway, as attached/married men using the site generally have no picture.

I had to know the truth. I set up a fake profile and sent him a wink/ expression of interest. And I found a random picture online of an attractive woman that I used on my fake profile.

The next day he'd sent me a message that said "Hi, would you like to have a chat sometime?"

I wrote back asking him to tell me a bit more about himself and asked what he was looking for in someone.

My plan was to set up a meeting and show up myself to confront him.

Sadly, I couldn't hold it together. I was too upset and confronted him with the info I had, which I really regret.

At first he denied being on the site and I suggested that perhaps a ghost was operating his profile, seeing as it said "Online today".

Then he said he looked online because he was "angry at me".

When I asked about the profile he had up, with no picture, he said it was "an old profile" that he'd "forgotten about".

I said "have you messaged anyone?"

"No".

"Has anyone messaged you?"

"No."

"Are you sure? Think carefully now"

But he insisted he hadn't messaged anyone.

I said: "You might want to rethink that answer. Because I know you messaged someone today".

He didn't admit it until I told him I'd set up a fake profile and contacted him, telling him the username I'd used and describing the picture of the woman on the fake profile.

Then he said he answered the "wink"/whatever with a message because "he saw it early in the morning" when he "wasn't thinking straight and was still half asleep".

He "would never have met up with her", "has not cheated on me or met anyone from the site". It was "a mistake" he made while in "a petulant mood".

Which is why I regret spilling my guts too soon. If I'd have kept it going, I would have known for sure whether he was going to turn up on a date with another woman.

I said that on top of the arguments, I now didn't trust him and think it's time to end it. He thinks I am "being brutal" and "obviously looking for an excuse" to end it. And that it "was nothing. It's not as though I sent 'her' a photo of my di*k".

He is furious that I don't want to see him or talk about it further and thinks he can just talk me round.

He is constantly ringing, emailing and texting. All of which I'm not responding to. He just seems to assume that everything is normal, or will be after a chat!

We are supposed to be going away for his birthday next weekend to a hotel in the country to go walking. If I don't go I will feel guilty for wrecking his birthday but I also know that if I go it sends the wrong message. I don't WANT to hurt him or punish him.

But just during this past week of not seeing him or talking to him, I've felt such peace. I went out on a meet-up last night for a curry with lots of people I'd never met before and had a great time. I felt I could be myself. I felt as though I could make new friends. I am not looking for another man.

I told him on the day I confronted him that I don't want to be looking over my shoulder checking up on him forevermore. But he just says he wants to rebuild my trust in him.

I loved him once, but the constant arguing has worn me down.

He sent me a text yesterday that said: " I want to and have made you happy, cherished and loved. I will make it my continuing task to do so again, and in future, my darling."

Today he has rung me (I let it go to voicemail) and texted twice asking if he could see me. The last text said; " I am thinking about you incessantly."

I feel as though I've got King Kong coming after me. He is relentless.

What I want to know is: Am I being too harsh to want to end it?
To me it's clear: he responded to a woman online, then lied about it. How am I ever going to trust him again when I don't believe a word he says?

If you've got this far, thank you for sticking with it.

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Castlemilk · 16/11/2014 14:55

Oh FGS.

Tell him you've made your decision and if he contacts you again you'll take it as harassment and go to the police.

It's been a year, half of that has been shit anyway, and now you know he's cheaty.

Get rid decisively and move on.