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Brother demanding money

(38 Posts)
Usernamegone Sun 16-Nov-14 11:44:24

I am fed up of my brother constantly asking for money from me and not accepting no as an answer.

The backstory is that we have no parents or other close family. I work and he lives on benefits. I do not want this to turn into a benefits bashing thread. I want him to understand that just because someone works it does not mean they have loads of money. He regularly calls me but only to borrow money.

A couple of days ago my brother calls me asking to borrow money. I say no I am skint I don't have any money. He goes on and on the that his child needs milk and will scream if she doesn't have a bottle for bed and that he only needs £20/30. He then asks about overdraft! I explain that I am right up against my overdraft limit as I have had to pay £1k of unexpected bills this month he then asks if there is any way I can use one if my credit cards! I explain that credit cards don't work like that!

He then goes on about his birthday and could he have money for that. I had already explained earlier in the month when he text me asking what I was going to get him for his birthday that I didn't know if I could get him a present this month as I am so skint.

CatKisser Sun 16-Nov-14 11:47:08

He's being completely unfair and using the baby to manipulate you. Where's his money really going?

OhMjh Sun 16-Nov-14 11:49:22

As hard as it is, you need to be firm and put your foot down or he will never learn that this isn't okay.

Has he borrowed money from you before? If so, did he pay it back?
There's always the concern that the money isn't for his child at all and that he's trying to guilt trip you into giving him money for her - if I felt I had to do SOMETHING, I'd be buying the milk, not giving him any form of cash. Where exactly does his money go, if this is a regular thing?

Anonnynonny Sun 16-Nov-14 11:49:59

Sorry but he sounds like a fucking freeloader. How dare he ask you to get into debt/ make your debt larger to fund him?

How entitled is that?

Awful.

You really need to be firm with him and tell him that although of course you're happy to help him in any way you can, that cannot always mean financially. You're not responsible for his finances and you have financial issues of your own that need to be dealt with.

Shesparkles Sun 16-Nov-14 11:55:46

In your position, if I had the means, the very most I'd do is to buy a pack of formula, or a 4pint jug of milk (whichever his child has) and give him that, so that takes away the emotional blackmail side of it

Usernamegone Sun 16-Nov-14 12:49:33

The problem is that I live 100 miles away from him so I can't pop a pint round to his house. One of the main advantages of moving away was that it stopped the non stop phone calls with 'emergency' situations requiring money from my family (which are now deceased apart from him). The relief when I moved away was immense as when they called I could say sorry I can't help I live 100 miles away. I think the problem now is that I am now more accessible again as I now get requests to 'ping' the money, transfer in on online banking, etc.

forumdonkey Sun 16-Nov-14 12:57:26

My exh does this with my DC's and has done for a few years now, they've learnt now and when he is begging and borrowing and pleading he has no food or can't afford petrol to work etc they will buy him food, or put petrol in the car. They never give him cash now.

OhMjh Sun 16-Nov-14 12:59:06

Just say no. I know you feel obligated because you are all each other has blood wise, but he can't just sponge off of you when he's clearly been stupid with his own money and you shouldn't have to be made to feel uncomfortable by him. The fact you say he only communicates with you when he wants something tells you everything you need to know.

klog Sun 16-Nov-14 12:59:08

I never ask wealthier sibs for cash.

He is a brat.

OhMjh Sun 16-Nov-14 12:59:43

You could always literally transfer him the cost of a pint of milk..

forumdonkey Sun 16-Nov-14 13:00:08

could online shop and pay for it that way? I know my local Asda do a click and collect service.

magoria Sun 16-Nov-14 13:01:01

It's shit isn't it sad

My sister text me asking for some money to buy cereal and milk for her DC when they came back from their dad's for the weekend.

When I went around and opened my purse for £5 she started going on that her latest live in piece of scum and she had spent all their money that weekend on cocaine.

It was the last straw. I closed my purse and left. Basically she was taking my hard earned money from my own child's mouth because she was too selfish a fucking cow not to put hers first.

The guilt pulled on you for not feeding their child is massive it is your fault not theirs if those child goes hungry.

klog Sun 16-Nov-14 13:02:03

Just "ping" the money in to his account!

Omg.

The poster whose x scrounges off his own children, that'd be your brother & his baby if u carried on being too generous. He'd never b grateful, just a bigger brat

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Sun 16-Nov-14 13:02:11

If you give in him when he nags and won't take no as an answer then he will never stop

You have to be firm, if you give in you aren't doing you or him any favours

(And since when has milk cost £30 hmm )

klog Sun 16-Nov-14 13:04:56

Keep your purse tightly shut magoria !

I was on benefits for a while but i never guilted my siblings and when they were generous i saw it as generosity and really appreciated it. Never thought "they can affird it".. i never had loser boyfriends spending my one parent allowance though!

InnocenceAndExperience Sun 16-Nov-14 13:08:25

Give him details of the nearest food bank and money advice centre.

magoria Sun 16-Nov-14 13:13:13

klog it was a long time ago and really the final straw of years of everyone putting themselves out to help her out of problems.

She stopped asking when every answer became no and sorry I can't.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 16-Nov-14 13:19:37

Usernamegone

I would be blocking his number from both your landline and mobile phone. Your last phone call to him should state that you are not a registered charity and should not be seen by him as one.

Any money would likely be spent on his own self and not any child he has to support. Such people use guilt trips and manipulation on people who they think are really a soft touch. He would not respect you any more for actually handing over any cash.

forumdonkey Sun 16-Nov-14 13:19:48

Klog my exh has had tens of thousands of pounds and he blew the lot in less than 2 years, with nothing to show but massive debts. He no longer sees much of his siblings as they now won't lend him any more money and he is angry with them for that hmm He borrowed the kids birthday money and their pocket money they earned (up until a few months ago both were in full time education - one college and one school).

OP people like your DB and my EXH have no morals or shame but seem to feel there is an entitlement. I understand the emotional pressure it puts on you because I have seen both my boys go through it. They have toughened up and refuse him cash and ring for him to pay back all money they have loaned. If they can do it so can you.

klog Sun 16-Nov-14 13:22:05

Wow, awful to see one's own kids have to deal with scrounging fathers :-0

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 16-Nov-14 14:44:55

People claiming benefits when they have children to provide for are not as badly off as others, like single people on a paltry seventy quid a week. He's either servicing debts or not managing what money he does have properly.

Either way, he has absolutely no right to blackmail you whether you can afford to sub him or not. Every fiver you give him suddenly turns into an entitlement to a tenner.

Tell him once and for all that you are not in a position to support him right now and are unlikely to be able to in the short and medium term, so he should please stop asking you. Then either not answer his calls or block them.

LadySybilLikesCake Sun 16-Nov-14 14:56:09

Just say no, you're not a bank.

I went back to work when ds was 3 weeks old (I didn't know it was illegal) and had to leave a couple of weeks later (I was still bleeding, breastfeeding and severely anaemic so I couldn't do it). Ds's father 'borrowed' all of my wages to 'help a friend move house'. He used them for a drinking binge and I never saw them again. There are arseholes out there, it sounds like your brother is one of them sad Sorry thanks

Jolleigh Sun 16-Nov-14 15:58:34

I'm skint and currently on benefits. My brother offered to ping me some cash the other day. My response was 'no thank you, I made sure I had enough formula in for DD before I spent the last of my cash, no need for you guys to be out of pocket'.

How old is your brother that he things getting you to give him money you don't have and using a child to guilt you is acceptable??

Wrapdress Sun 16-Nov-14 16:06:07

When it comes to borrowing money, people who ask to borrow never stop asking - no matter how much you give them - it's never enough. They always want more. They spend their money all month with the thought in the back of their minds that they can always get more money from you - and their spending habits never improve.

Usernamegone Sun 16-Nov-14 18:48:29

I didn't notice but I had a text message from him apparently it was all my fault that I didn't see him yesterday and I should have told him that I didn't have money as he would have rather that I come to see him and that I am his only blood relation, etc, etc. Basically a massive guilt trip. I text him to let him know that it wasn't my fault the road was closed (and I did tell him this yesterday so I don't know if he expected me to helicopter myself there instead).

Have checked FB and they were commenting on there Christmas shopping trip earlier in the week!

I don't want to speak to him as he will just give me a massive guilt trip and grind me down. He is one of those people in life where everything is someone else's fault.

Have now installed app to block phone calls and texts from him at least until I feel mentally less fragile.

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